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incognito36
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Default Jan 01, 2022 at 11:51 PM
  #1
It was a whirlwind of passion and fury for the first few years.... Consistently fighting, like I had never done before in my life. I wrote about it in a journal back then, how angry she was and how she took it out on me and her kids when she would get home from work. We would fight, and it would be better for a little while..... While this was occurring, I was my typical hard nosed, controlling self. I had/have to have things my way, from the color of the throw pillows to the meals we ate. I was/am not without fault.
The years ticked by... Me helping raise her 14 year old and 9 yo, trying to run a house and be a provider, and she trying to climb the corporate ladder to be CEO someday. We were so busy that I don't think either one of us realized how bad we were to one another. Not terrible, not screaming, cursing, name calling fights. Just bickering But it adds up. We vented about how each other was controlling, how we had no real common interests, how her anger ruled the household. How I never wanted to take her to do anything, or go on big trips. All true....

That is the cliff notes.... I had enough, of the control, of the anger and the emptiness in our relationship. I was tired of being told what I was not doing, when I was doing so much for the her, the kids and the house....

I wanted this.... but it hurts so bad. I cry all the time, for no reason. She is heartbroken and it kills me inside. but I can't go back, we are toxic for one another. The paperwork is still not finalized, and I wish it was so that I could try to start moving forward. I feel very stuck in place.

I feel guilty... I don't know what to do with these feelings.?
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DevastatedinAZ
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 12:08 PM
  #2
I am sorry to hear this... How long have you guys been married?

What about couples therapy? It sounds like it may benefit both of you. You are already admitting fault in the relationship which is good when looking inward. You have identified things with her that were at fault in the relationship as we. Does she know what she has done or admit to anything?

Couples therapy could be successful for you both in 2 ways...

1) See if there is anything left to salvage or find a better way to communicate between one another to make it work? I am finding out a lot of the time that communication can be improved and sometimes that can repair the outstanding issues. This could potentially create the bridge work to repair what is broken and continue forward with one another.
2) Or therapy may help you guys navigate a path to where both of you realize that the relationship is too far gone to repair and that sometimes helps with both of you moving forward. Because you have the feeling that you gave it your all and closure.

Just an idea. If that is not an option, then both of you seek out individual therapists to help you guys navigate these feelings in your own directions.
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 12:48 PM
  #3
Sound advice, and all very true. I went to two therapy sessions with her. He was a very good therapist, and pointed out where the other may have misconstrued something or may be assuming the wrong thing about what was said to one another. I haven't gone back.... mostly because I can't reconcile my mind or at the very least begin to forgive what has taken place. I felt very controlled and part of that was me allowing it, to keep the peace in the household. I realize now , that it would have been better to let those feelings out and just had the argument then, instead of it building to this point. Our next therapy appt, was supposed to be today. I can't bring myself to go. I don't want to air all of her "dirty laundry" online, but she did something that upset me very badly yesterday, it was, by my standards, a too detailed exchange with my father and step mother. I don't want all of my private business aired to the world. She was doing what she thought was right. I don't agree.

I need to locate another therapist, to atleast talk about these things and try to fight my own demons. The loss still hurts though, and the pain in her voice kills me. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there.
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DevastatedinAZ
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 09:20 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by incognito36 View Post
Sound advice, and all very true. I went to two therapy sessions with her. He was a very good therapist, and pointed out where the other may have misconstrued something or may be assuming the wrong thing about what was said to one another. I haven't gone back.... mostly because I can't reconcile my mind or at the very least begin to forgive what has taken place. I felt very controlled and part of that was me allowing it, to keep the peace in the household. I realize now , that it would have been better to let those feelings out and just had the argument then, instead of it building to this point. Our next therapy appt, was supposed to be today. I can't bring myself to go. I don't want to air all of her "dirty laundry" online, but she did something that upset me very badly yesterday, it was, by my standards, a too detailed exchange with my father and step mother. I don't want all of my private business aired to the world. She was doing what she thought was right. I don't agree.

I need to locate another therapist, to atleast talk about these things and try to fight my own demons. The loss still hurts though, and the pain in her voice kills me. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there.

Ok, keep the lines of communication open. That is paramount. Be able to talk and communicate with her. And she needs to do the same with you. Unless the marriage is dead, I would always advise to keep working on it and see if it can be repaired. No regrets! No regrets down the road…

I understand what you are saying about her upsetting you, but it is also sounds like she thought it was the right thing? That is a tough one, but in the end and from the outside looking in, it does not sound like malice was intended. If so, keep that in mind. Things are touchy and hypersensitive right now. Keep a handle on your emotions through this period of time. Easier said than done though…

In my situation, I am still fighting and hopeful that I can reach couples therapy with my (ex) or soon to be ex wife??? Our lines of communication are open… we talk for 2-4-6hrs a week about our relationship and the conversations have gone from hot/cold to settling down where we are relaxed and talking like we used to… I can only hope with time, she can get there and join me with a therapist.

Man, it still sounds like you care for you. It still sounds like she cares for you. I could still advise you to work on it if you can. If love is still there, that is the ultimate building block to jump off of…

My therapist and I have talked about a “hard reset” at length… a period of time where you two spend apart to heal and recover and forgive. And then, working with a therapist, build a new foundation for which a NEW relationship will be built on. One that both of you guys want, will be happy with, and communicate differently so you can avoid the historical pitfalls that landed you in this spot.

Take your time, be patient and control your emotions as best you can. You both are on a rollercoaster right now and the flatter the ride, the better. You don’t want the full ride that goes UP and DOWN… That’s just turbulent and unhealthy.

Take a moment and recapture yourself and find a baseline. Work on it if you can… do as much as you can and see if she will meet you. In the end, you don’t want any regrets. That is the worst thing you can have to bring with you the rest of your life.

I hope you both can find your way in whichever direction you are meant to go.
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incognito36
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Default Jan 02, 2022 at 09:59 PM
  #5
Thank you so much for the response and the advice. It's nice to get some perspective from someone going through it.

It sound like you are headed in the right direction with your wife? I mean, the fact that you talk a few times a week and can keep it civil, well that's a win in my book. I really hope that the two of you can build a strong foundation again, and with that, rekindle the marriage. You seem like you want to do the work, and that is more than half of the battle!

Thank you again, and I will try to keep coming back and venting as things progress. If you should need to talk to someone, look me up on here.

Have a great night.
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Marie123
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Default Jan 03, 2022 at 06:47 AM
  #6
Those children could use therapy, also.......and it would help if you talked to them.
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Default Jan 03, 2022 at 07:51 AM
  #7
It's true, atleast the now 15 year old, she and I had the closest bond. I miss them both....
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Default Jan 03, 2022 at 08:01 AM
  #8
My husband and I separated last year because our relationship was toxic. We almost divorced. He was far too controlling of me, he had anger issues and yelled at me often, and it was an awful, toxic relationship. I left him and he moved out. Eventually, he began individual therapy and now couples therapy. We are now back together and he is moving back in this Feb. He has made a 180 degree turnaround after losing me and after seeing what life was like without me. The therapy is helping. We fought through it and got to the other side of it all.

If you still love each other, anything can be salvaged and behavior can be changed... but therapy is necessary for both of you and together.

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