Divorce after 35 years...

Hello, I am in my 50's, and have decided that I'm ready to take my life back! I'm still trying to figure out how to tell my husband that I want out. I thought it would be harder to get an apartment, but it happened fast! I can move in to my new home in about 3 weeks -- but have to get through the hurdle of telling my husband and grown kids. He is going to be blindsided, which I don't want -- but since he's clueless about so many things, I feel like nothing I do will avoid that blindside.
I'm concerned that he will get violent and break things (as he's done in the past) and that he might prevent me from taking what I need. I'm trying to figure out how to pack in secret -- but he took today off and he's always home when I get home home from work. I hate sneaking around, but that's what I feel like I'm doing...
Does any of this sound familiar? I feel like I'm about to rock the worlds of the people I love.

Having been basically single for my entire life, I am out of my element where marriage is concerned. I do hope that things go well for you. You certainly deserve a life where you can have some joy of living and peace of mind. It sounds scary that your husband gets violent and breaks things. I hope you will be safe!

You ARE about to rock the world of those closes to you.

If your husband has a history of being violent, you could call for police supervision. The police will come by - usually 2 officers - and they will simply stand by while you remove things from the residence you share with your husband. I had to do that once when I was leaving an aparrment I shared with another female. She had some sort of mental breakdown and started messing with my belongings. The police were very helpful at calming things down. They even told me to call them when I would be going back to get the remainder of my things. It seems to me they would rather prevent violence than have to be called after violence has started.

If you are on good terms with your children, it might be best to talk with them before dealing with your husband. Maybe one of them could stand by, while you pack up some of your stuff. Prioritize things of concentrated value like gold jewelry and important documents like your birth certificate.

This sounds like a touchy situation, depending on how violent your husband is prone to getting. Do you have assets you own jointly - like a bank account? You might want to remove your share of the funds before telling your husband that the marriage is over. It might be good to sit down with an attorney before doing anything.

If your husband has ever been physically assaultive towards you, then you must take great care to insure your safety. You need not tell him immediately that you are leaving permanently. Don't even give him the address of your new apartment quite yet. Initially, you could just say you need to be away for a while to sort out some things that are troubling you. Don't start telling him that he's been a bad husband. Don't criticize him, and don't get drawn into an argument. Take care of yourself.

Since your husband is prone to violence it’s wise to pack and make arrangement in secret. Have police with you when you take your things. Also protect yourself financially. I’d speak to a lawyer and protect my finances prior to leaving

Having police with you sounds like a good idea.

And have you spoken to a lawyer about this yet?

Are your kids still minors or adults?

I’d agree with the others - it’s a good idea to consult a lawyer, for many reasons. Take important documents and leave copies with him. Maybe it might be a good idea to schedule a day off yourself on a day when your husband will be working again, if at all possible, so it’s easier to get organised. If he is generally violent/abusive, document the incidents of that behaviour in as much factual detail as possible and keep your notes safe. It might prove useful later.
I’m sorry you find yourself in such a position where you have to pack up and leave in secret, but I wish you the best of luck, and I’m glad you have somewhere to go.
Have you considered a camera doorbell for your new place? I don’t think you need to tell him your new address, but if he does find out that could help keep you safe.

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. I called the police to let them know what was going on, and to make sure they had my phone number, address, etc. Having the police come over when you need to pack, etc., is a good idea; however if you aren't leaving right away, of course he can be violent when they leave. I know how scary it is. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? .