When will the reminiscing and anger stop?

We sepeated seven months ago and sold our house.

It was hurtful and painful for a year before that, so the day I moved out, my overwhelming feeling was one of immense relief.

I have spent the last three months renovating my new house and I have felt happy, upbeat, hopeful and really had it together. Three weeks ago he asked to get back together and I said no and felt so strong in making the right decision.

Ever since then I have been feeling so sad. I keep reminiscing about our relationship. For the first few years it was the best relationship I have ever had. I have been married and had serious relationships, but I have never been in love like that before and I was 50 years old when we met!

It was a whirlwind and he proposed after only 3 months together! I literally couldn't do enough for him and he treated me like I was the most precious and important person in his life. Then tragedy struck and he suffered three traumatic events. He allowed me to support him through the first one, but then he distanced himself from me and physically and emotionally left the relationship. I tried to understand and he begged me to hold on, so I tried to give him space and to look after him. On Valentine's day. I found him talking on the phone to another woman, in our bedroom.

He hurt me more deeply than anyone has ever hurt me before and he distanced himself from me and rejected me over and over again before I finally said enough, but now I keep remembering how much he loved me and how much I loved him. I think about him leaving me post it notes in the hall when I got in from work, or insisting on giving me a full body massage because i was over tired, or running my bath and bathing me when i had a hard day at work. I keep picturing his perfect bottom, his eyes twinkling at me in delight and it's so hard! And then I remember the gut wrenching loneliness and the betrayal I felt and I feel so angry! Sad and angry simultaneously in my body is a pretty explosive cocktail!

I want to move on and I have a date today....may be stupid of me....don't really sound ready to date do I?! But I cant just sit and wallow in it, as I feel like it will send me mad and I am not getting any younger!

I am trying to move on with my life, but I am truly frightened. Frightened that I wont find love again and frightened that I will.....

Wish me luck!

I think you are an incredibly courageous person.

I was pulled in so many contrary directions after a breakup and the alternating contradictory thoughts and feelings really tore me up inside. You deserve a life where you can have some peace of mind and joy of living and I hope and hope that you will find it.

Please lean on us here in the Forums for moral support. That is why we are here. These Forums have helped me a lot and I hope that will be your experience too! So sorry about everything that has happened to you!

It is very hard to forget about all of the good memories sometimes. That is normal. I think part of the healing process is to remember that even though you had those moments and shared a love, he did hurt you in a way that should not have happened at all. You were there for him during those tragedies, and you offered your support; he declined and then went to find comfort in another woman? NO. Absolutely not. That is unacceptable. Love is such a funny word isn't it? We can say we love someone, but actions prove otherwise. I think that is what happened here. You feel that he did not show his full love to you. Even though you had good times, did the pain outweigh that good? The way you described the hurt you felt when you found out he was talking to another woman was very profound. I would ask yourself this question: if you did give him another chance, would the relationship be the same? Would you be able to fully trust him now? I know sometimes people cheat or whatnot and they do work the relationship out, but I do not think a relationship can ever be the same after a cheating incident. I wish you the best. I would say do not rush into another relationship, but go out on the date and see how it goes. I wish you the best.