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UnfulfilledMind
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Default Jan 30, 2022 at 10:38 AM
  #1
Hi. Ive been married over 19years with 4 children. The last two years have proved we are incompatible. I want a divorce because I believe a loveless marriage isn't really a marriage. I've always been a SAHparent. I feel that I continued to remain in this marriage out of convenient and financial support. But I dont like the feeling of waking up to a loveless marriage where we can't communicate. Counseling won't help since we both have different point of view...unfortunately, the pandemic and politics can do this much damage.

I want a divorce but I'm afraid of the unknown aftermath. I'm looking into going back to school so that I can get a job after the divorce. But it feels like I'm stuck in this marriage until I graduate. And then I get depressed just thinking about how stuck I am and how I can't escape.

Any advice appreciated.
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Default Jan 30, 2022 at 03:13 PM
  #2
@UnfulfilledMind welcome to MSF My Support Forums. It is sad to hear about relationships that just change in a way that we can never imagine happening when they are alive and vital.

I come from a family that sticks it out through difficult times so I am not sure if what I say would apply to you. I am not advocating staying if one is experiencing abuse. No one should have to go through that. What is abuse is difficult to define, but here is one definition that came up on Google
Quote:
To hurt or injure by maltreatment;
If I am in a relationship that has lost its spark, I ask myself what is best for everyone in the family including the partner. Maybe they are more like a roommate giving lip service to love. But even refraining from harming each other is a form of love and compassion. I do not think any relationship keeps that same spark going for a long time. As I get older and confront different challenges, the chances of having the kind of romantic relationship I had when I was younger are very slim.

So for me I have had to make a mid course correction. The empty nest makes my role different. I have more time to devote to other things and I can pursue dreams I have had for a long time. But do I really want to uproot a relationship that took so long to create? Do I really want to have that nagging feeling that I brought on suffering to the other person that has come to depend on the relationship for support? These are difficult questions to answer and the answers are not black and white or simple.

For me the question became a new one. What can I do to make my life meaningful in the situation I am in? Maybe I would give this piece of advice: consider all your options.

Do a notebook or use a Google Sheet or Doc to create a series of options and their consequences for
1) You
2) Your Kids
3) Your partner
4) The world I live in

Every choice we make affects multiple people and every choice we make has consequences in our current life and our future life. I am trying to live by the principal of "do no harm." So for me this is the way I would frame the question:
Quote:
What can I do in the situation I am in without hurting other members of my family and still giving my life a purpose and meaning?

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UnfulfilledMind
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Default Jan 31, 2022 at 06:09 PM
  #3
Thank you Candc for the very profound reply. For months now, my mind have been asking simar questions...mainly, how everyone's live will change or be effected if I carry through with intent to divorce. And there's no way for me to make a list of that sort, I'm not a psychic, I do not know the future.

And while I continue to stay in this so called marriage, I ask myself if this is what I want my children to see? Am I dooming their future relationships by faking what we have as a good relationship? They don't see us communicating or getting along. Do I want my children to settle and simply be happy with what they have or do I want them to yearn for the better?

I'm not seeking a romantic type of relationship. We're never good with PDA and I'm not asking for that to change. I am, however, wanting a relationship where we can openly communicate and make jokes and laugh and cry together...

My spouse and I can no longer do that because we're constantly walking on eggshells around one another. We can no longer be honest with one another because everything is so political and we are on opposite ends. I'm sure the children can see the tension between us and how we dont do anything together anymore....it's an unhealthy relationship even when we hold our tongues and not argue. We're both seeking to spend time by ourselves and I'm afraid the only people who suffer through this "lack of communication" are the children.
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Default Jan 31, 2022 at 06:23 PM
  #4
@UnfulfilledMind do you and your spouse agree that divorce is the best outcome? That would eliminate that possible harm.

Are the kids at an age where they can talk about it? You have not indicated the range of ages of your children so it is hard to guess. Maybe they will be hurt no matter what course is taken.

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Default Feb 02, 2022 at 09:28 AM
  #5
My advice is to open a savings account separate from your husband and start saving. Usually, I don't condone deception but this is an exception because you might be dealing with a angry spouse who will cut off all financial resources to you if you decide to divorce. I was a stay at SAH mom for 35 plus years and found myself with no financial resources, only resource was my ex. If you are able to get credit cards under your name do so and don't use them unless necessary. Have your finances in tact before you decide to leave or stay.
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Thanks for this!
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Default Feb 11, 2022 at 01:22 PM
  #6
Unfulfilled Mind,
I don't believe that staying in a loveless marriage is healthy for you, your partner or your children. Children are smarter than we give them credit for. They too can feel the tension between you and your spouse. Once trust and communication are lost I believe the relationship won't work anymore. It sounds like you only want to stay in it because you are afraid of the aftermath and also because you want to go to school but can't afford it if you get divorced. First, maybe therapy won't do it for the two of you, but it may be good for the kids. I believe divorces can be done without outsiders, but only if the two parties are willing. It sounds like you are afraid of what may happen so getting a mediator involved could help or if absolutely needed then a lawyer. Staying in the marriage just so you can afford school sounds awful. Going back to school is stressful enough and I know I would want someone at home who encouraged me, supported me and helped me through it all. If you don't think that your spouse could fill in those pieces then I think you should wait. There are lots of financial aid programs that could help you get through school. Good luck with everything....divorce is a very difficult thing to go through, staying positive and having positive people in your life certainly will help with the transition.
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