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jcl76
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Default Feb 08, 2022 at 01:52 PM
  #1
I am looking for some insight and encouragement

Little background from my EX and separation.

I am 45 (never married) and she was 46 (divorced for 3 years)

I have today my ex and I had the best connection that both of us admitted we have ever had in our lives. When we met, its instant from the very first sentence like we were old friends getting together. In our relationship, we always laughed (belly hurting laughs) every days, we shared so much in common and it was just easy for us, and we never had an argument. She loved my family, and her family loved me. Her kids were awesome and was happy that we were together (that I was good for her). This was the first girl that I could see myself with, the first time I actually had a secure attachment ever, and I could totally emotionally invest. Basically for the first time in my life I didnt have any fears in a relationship.

After 6 or so months something didn't feel right, and it felt like we haven't really connected on a deeper level. She was married for 13 years with a total narcissist, so I knew she was working through that, but over time I realized she wasn't very emotionally invested although we were both very happy together. She did put walls up and seemed like she was pulling away. On our 1 year anniversary she planned a trip to see a friend instead, then when we went out she gave me a care that said great things, but she she wrote "this card explains how I feel". I posted a nice picture and comment about how lucky I was to spend a year with an amazing women, tagged her in it and she never allowed it on her FB. I became very confused and brought it up and she went right in "I cant give you what you need" and she didn't ever to get married again, or see herself living with anyone until her kids were gone.

Well over 3 months, we split then I just became my old self with anxious attached and tried, wrote her a long genuine email that she was very grateful for but could respond to it. She would only talk via text and impossible to communicate and it was like she totally didn't empathise or understand what I was trying to convey and always made the same generic comments. "I just offer a committed relationship". I just want it to be easy and enjoy each other". This is just when I tried harder and pushed her further away. I finally read Cure for Emotionally Unavailability" and IT TOTALLY fit everything to a T of what I was going through and why her actions made sense.

Well finally I mentioned that to her, and she got very defensive and now the door, after both of us had such a hard time fully letting go. I have no doubt she cared greatly, and adored me as she did say many times. She even said "no man has ever loved me as much as you did.

I guess now I trying to tell myself that it didn't work out because of me, would I gave her more space or could have done things different. I have so much regret because she said many times, that she needed time/space, but couldn't communicate beyond that. Although she was somewhat working on herself, but deep down I know things would not have changed. I was totally deflated because all the work I put in while didn't reciprocate at all and seemed like she could just cut ties easy.

How can you get rid of the "what ifs", or not still hold on any hope. It feels like I cant see the reality of what it really is or happened
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Yaowen
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Default Feb 08, 2022 at 10:43 PM
  #2
My heart goes out to you. What a heartbreaking situation. Wish I knew what to say that would help. When I was in a similar situation it seemed like only the passing of time brought things into focus and resolved everything although I used some CBT techniques to help me survive the ordeal of it all. I hope you get many helpful responses from people with good ideas!
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Foolishheart
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Default Feb 11, 2022 at 12:54 PM
  #3
jcl76,
It sounds like you and her had some great times together. And seeing as her family really accepted you, that shows what a great person you are. You obviously love her and thought that you could have a life together with her. However, she was not emotionally ready for you. It sounds like she was trying to keep working on her old relationship and had no extra energy for you. Don't blame yourself and think "well, what if I did this", or " what if I did that"? I think whatever you would have done it wouldn't have been good enough for her. She admitted to you that "no man has ever loved me as much as you did", but she was still too blind to see that and move on with her life from her ex. I know it's hard being with someone who is just right in every aspect of things, but speaking from experience, if someone is not emotionally available then they are not ready to commit and who knows if they ever will be? Time to move on, put the past in the past and find people who are positive influences to you. You deserve it!
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jcl76
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Default Feb 18, 2022 at 11:06 AM
  #4
Its not her trying to move on from her ex. The thought of him gives her anxiety. She is just sorting through the wounds he left her.

We actually were in a committed relationship for a year but I just didnt know that she wasnt emotionally connected the way I was.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Foolishheart View Post
jcl76,
It sounds like you and her had some great times together. And seeing as her family really accepted you, that shows what a great person you are. You obviously love her and thought that you could have a life together with her. However, she was not emotionally ready for you. It sounds like she was trying to keep working on her old relationship and had no extra energy for you. Don't blame yourself and think "well, what if I did this", or " what if I did that"? I think whatever you would have done it wouldn't have been good enough for her. She admitted to you that "no man has ever loved me as much as you did", but she was still too blind to see that and move on with her life from her ex. I know it's hard being with someone who is just right in every aspect of things, but speaking from experience, if someone is not emotionally available then they are not ready to commit and who knows if they ever will be? Time to move on, put the past in the past and find people who are positive influences to you. You deserve it!
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Holly Golightly 3
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Default May 25, 2022 at 12:23 PM
  #5
I am sorry you are going through this. I am an overthinker, like you. Always thinking what if or should I have done that or maybe if I did this...but at what point do we stop blaming ourselves? Were we simply asking for too much, or were we just asking the wrong person? To me, it seems that she may not be fully over her past relationship. You stated she gets anxiety when it is brought up. Do you want to have to live life walking on eggshells and trying to prove to her that you won't do what her ex did or have you ever felt maybe you are putting in all the effort? That is not fair to you. Another poster said that no matter what you did or did not do, that would never be enough for her. Has she ever shown signs of being a narcissist? You stated her ex husband is one, but it quite possibly could be that she also has some of the tendencies. Just something to think about. I am sure you have done a lot of research on narcissism and personality disorders, so I will not list potential characteristics. However, to me, if she really did love you, she would be with you. I am a firm believer that love should conquer all. Maybe I live in a fantasy world, but if you have done nothing to betray her, hurt her, or make her feel unloved in the relationship, then why is she not trying to work things out with you? Have you brought up couples counseling or individual counseling? I wish you the best.
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eskielover
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Default May 26, 2022 at 10:03 AM
  #6
Incompatibility of relationship goals is just as much an incompatibility as anything else can be. It is what it is & is not something that can be talked into.

I know personally after a long bad marriage, my independence is the most valuable thing I could have even IF I would ever find the right guy. I have made a comfortable, stable life for myself. Enjoying someone's company is a whole lot different than connecting at a level of merging lives or marriage. Having my own little farm as my own retreat is definitely what I need & it was the only thing that helped me heal (along with the best therapist who helped me understand what I went through) That alone time is definitely a necessity for me....maybe the same for her

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