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Snapshot27
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Default Feb 27, 2022 at 09:54 PM
  #1
My wife and I are separated. I'm trying to show her love and support. She abandoned an amazing marriage over an argument in August..
jus an argument, no violence, no cheating, no drugs, no major issue... just an argument. She always bragged to everyone that we argued less than anyone she ever knew. Maybe one a year. We were best friends did everything together. Train together, swam together, ran together, biked together, competed in triathlons together, traveled to marathons together, had all the same hobbies and collections together, loved all the same foods, loved traveling to same places. Showeted her with kisses everyday, told her I loved her all the time. Flirted everyday on text. that's what she loved about me. Always came straight home to her and spent time with her.. sex was amazing.. pretty much everyday for 7 years .. I can NOT wrap my mind around this separation. Over an argument. My family thinks she has had a mental breakdown, some think she has cheated, I wonder if someone can just wake up and not be in love anymore.

We have separate bank accounts. She left me and the home and moved to her brothers trailer which is 45 minutes away and she took a job making basically nothing. $11/hr. She lives in a bedroom now. I made us 150k. So I leave the account open for her to use as well. We have a 5 year old son. And I have 4 stepkids with her. She is now in poverty. She says she is still in love with me and wants to work on things. But she is very cold and distant. And in the 2 months we've been separated she never wants to talk about when we will get back together. She says she doesn't know. She does come over on weekends sometimes but I basically take her out. It's not like she does anything nice for me other than show up. She doesn't show any affection unless I do. She doesnt text much in the way of affection for someone who says she is in love with me either. This is pretty much me trying to save our marriage and giving 300% and her sitting back and not showing me much at all. I feel completely unloved by her.

Yet I check my bank account and she is using the heck out of that. Having a blast. Buying clothes, makeup, amazon, ebay... I want her to enjoy life. I dont want her to be in poverty.

Every once in a while I will get an i love you from her and it surprises me. But I just dont know how to know if my wife is REALLY in love with me like she says. Or is she afraid to let go of the support I provide. So she is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. I never took her as a game player or a liar. But this is obviously a situation we've never been in. She never asks for intimacy or affection. It's always favors and support. Opinions? Does it sound like I'm being used and led on? Would a person who says she is still in love with me be showing me more love than this?
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Molinit
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 08:43 AM
  #2
She's not living in poverty if she has access to your bank account.

It's been 6 months. She isn't coming back. Actions speak louder than words.

Cut off access. File for divorce. Have the court decide support for your child. The stepchildren are not your concern, they have a father or fathers that should be supporting them.
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 10:11 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
She's not living in poverty if she has access to your bank account.

It's been 6 months. She isn't coming back. Actions speak louder than words.

Cut off access. File for divorce. Have the court decide support for your child. The stepchildren are not your concern, they have a father or fathers that should be supporting them.

Thank you for you feedback. We share our son. One week with me. One week with her. And to clarify, it's only been a little less than 2 months. The argument she claims she left me for was in August but she left in January. Makes no sense. This morning she left me a text saying good morning and she hopes i have a good day. And we are supposed to have a date night tomorrow and Friday night. I'm always the first person she calls when she needs someone to talk to. But she is breaking my heart by not coming back home. Not showing me love and support the way she used to. And there is no talk about coming back in her vocabulary. She seems planted 45 minutes away from our home. This is the strangest thing. All my friends are puzzled because even they remember how much she told them she loved me, even late last year.
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 10:12 AM
  #4
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Does it sound like I'm being used and led on?
I don't know her but my feeling is no. It feels very strange to downgrade her life this much to live in poverty instead.

IF she were using you, she would have stayed with you and enjoyed her wealthy lifestyle - whether she is even cheating or not. She could still 'pretend' (again, IF that is even what she is doing) to love you and enjoy a life of luxury.

To me, it seems more of a mental health issue/crisis & that she needs help rather than judgment.

How about couple's counselling, is she open to that?
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 11:18 AM
  #5
Close the account off to her. Give her a set allowance. And get a court date to see your son and set child support payments. The way you are going is just going to get messy. If she’s open to counseling set that up but still put the legal stuff in place. Right now she’s being selfish and doing what she wants. She’s not living in poverty she has a roof over her head.

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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 11:35 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
I don't know her but my feeling is no. It feels very strange to downgrade her life this much to live in poverty instead.

IF she were using you, she would have stayed with you and enjoyed her wealthy lifestyle - whether she is even cheating or not. She could still 'pretend' (again, IF that is even what she is doing) to love you and enjoy a life of luxury.

To me, it seems more of a mental health issue/crisis & that she needs help rather than judgment.

How about couple's counselling, is she open to that?
This is what I think as well. I have tried mentioning couples counseling and she doesnt want to go. I feel like a reall good counselor would notice issues right away but getting her to go seems impossible. My confusion in all of this is that she still tells me she loves me. I even went so far as to ask he if she was still IN LOVE with me. And she said yes. But she wont come home. She did tell me she hates the location of our home. The city, the neighborhood, the schools. And the people in our neighborhood.
She loves our actual house. She has also been dropping subtle hints to me about how many nice family houses are around her brothers neighborhood and how the schools are so much better. But do you just abandon your husband and best friend? Again, we did everything together. Trained, competed, hobbies, collections, spent every minute together, hugged, kissed, laughed, traveled... this is just crazy... I feel so angry every morning when I wake up in our bed alone. So abandoned and betrayed and then, like this morning, my text goes off and it's her, saying good morning, and she Hope's I have a good day and she loves me. What is going on?
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 12:13 PM
  #7
Im so sorry youre experiencing such difficulty

I dont think thats fair that she is spending your money.... unless she is spending it all on your kid?

I guess its difficult to know whats happened inside her head as it doesnt seem like she has told you. I would be very careful if I were you. Sending some sporadic "I love yous" to me sounds more like stringing along rather than actually being in love with the person. But as I said, its very difficult to know.

It sounds like you need to both have an open and honest conversation.
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 04:42 PM
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Im so sorry youre experiencing such difficulty

I dont think thats fair that she is spending your money.... unless she is spending it all on your kid?

I guess its difficult to know whats happened inside her head as it doesnt seem like she has told you. I would be very careful if I were you. Sending some sporadic "I love yous" to me sounds more like stringing along rather than actually being in love with the person. But as I said, its very difficult to know.

It sounds like you need to both have an open and honest conversation.

Thanks for responding. Our last open and honest conversation was specifically about whether or not she loves me. My counselor suggested that maybe I'm not asking her the right question. Instead of asking her if she loves me or accepting her saying she loves me, maybe I should ask her if she is still IN LOVE with me. So I did. She didnt shy away from saying yes and she still wanted to work on the marriage. My issue is I dont see any effort. And I dont hear her say things that make me feel like coming home will happen anytime soon. For example, we were driving the other day and she told me she hoped she would get transferred to work at a school right across the street from her brothers neighborhood. It's under construction so I asked her when it would be done. She said next year!!! That's not the mindset of someone who is in love with me and wants to work on her marriage is it? Shouldnt she be thinking about moving back home with her husband by next year?
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 04:47 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Nammu View Post
Close the account off to her. Give her a set allowance. And get a court date to see your son and set child support payments. The way you are going is just going to get messy. If she’s open to counseling set that up but still put the legal stuff in place. Right now she’s being selfish and doing what she wants. She’s not living in poverty she has a roof over her head.
I love her tremendously and am trying to do everything to save the marriage. I know once I go down the road you suggest, which could happen, its over. There would be no coming back from that. Do you see it differently?
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 04:51 PM
  #10
She’s being selfish and self centered think about what she is modeling to your son. Think. Of the message he is getting. That it’s fine to go off and forget your responsibilities.

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Snapshot27
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Default Feb 28, 2022 at 05:10 PM
  #11
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She’s being selfish and self centered think about what she is modeling to your son. Think. Of the message he is getting. That it’s fine to go off and forget your responsibilities.
Yeah, you are right. This just isnt the woman I know. She was so unbelievably loving before this. Like I said in my original post, I dont know if she has lost it, or cheated, or fell out of love, it's only been a little over a month and a half. But it feels like an eternity to me.
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Default Mar 07, 2022 at 02:26 AM
  #12
You should set boundaries: No more spending sprees. Put some money in an acct opened for her and thats it. I am assuming she doesnt work? No more date nights unless she agrees to counseling. If you go to court they might mandate it or at least in my state they mandate parenting classes.

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Default Mar 15, 2022 at 12:03 AM
  #13
You're making her staying away very comfortable for her by letting her take from that bank account anything she wants.

Don't show much interest in her texts and phone calls. If she wants to talk with you, let her do that in person. Stop taking her out on dates. She's kind of making a fool out of you by holding the marriage hostage. Let her sweat it out more. She needs to have some consequences.
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Default Mar 15, 2022 at 05:14 AM
  #14
She has 5 kids at age 33, and 4 of them she had before age if 28. That’s unusual. Is their father in the picture? Multiple fathers? Who’s supporting them?

Now how does she live in with 5 kids in one room at her brothers? Where do they all sleep? In one bed? On the floor? The whole arrangement seems a bit strange.why is her brother ok with her moving in with 5 children unless perhaps he is under impression she’s escaping something?

Also how did a woman with 5 children managed to swim and race and go on date nights and have such social life with 5 kids??? Who’s watching them? People have hard time navigating social life with one-two kids, but 5? She’s still does date nights now and she works and raises 5 kids. Again it’s unusual to say the least

She picks up and moves from supposedly wonderful amazing life to live in one room with 5 kids in a volatile brother’s house. Something isn’t adding up. Have you checked that she actually is at her brother’s? Was the life as wonderful for her as it was for you?

First you said she left because of an argument (what was it about-don’t have to answer of course) but then you said it’s because she disliked the neighborhood. Yet she lives in one room in a trailer so it’s suspicious that the area was problematic for her. If it was she’d move to a nicer place, not to live in a trailer.

Is there more to the story? We can’t tell if she is using you as there seem to be something missing. How was her relationship with other men? What happened to the one she got 4 kids with?

Is there substance abuse involved? On either end?
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Default May 25, 2022 at 11:37 AM
  #15
I am not sure what the argument was...but for someone to leave because of an argument seems a little rash to me. There must be something else going on.
Does she have any mental disorders or a history of them? Is this the first time she said she didn't like your neighborhood or the people in it? Is her brother influencing her in some weird way? Has she always been close to her brother? Why would her brother let her stay there with 5 children in one bedroom? There are so many questions that I have...but I am sure you do too. I wish you the best. I am not sure if she is using you because I do not know her personally. I will say, people can say they love someone and not mean it at all. Some people are great manipulators. It is scary to think that you really do not know someone. I would tell her she either needs to put in a effort and come back and see a counselor with or without you, or you have to be done with her because this is unfair to you. At the end of the day, you are the one suffering. Does she care that you are distraught over this? If she did, she would not put you through this pain. Best of luck.
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