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Default May 10, 2022 at 02:44 PM
  #1
I am now separated from my SO (this is the second month), presumably divorce will follow. I’d like to use this thread to chronicle and share some of the spirited highs and explosive lows of navigating this most perilous of minefields - our post-relationship relationship. Perhaps I’ll update it like a diary, with experiences, ideas, wins, losses, strengths and vulnerabilities as time goes on. I’d encourage anyone out there to chime in with their own stories of life apart from partners and/or children. Perhaps we can help support one another? I’d like to keep things constructive, if possible, rather than have it descend into bitter finger-pointing. Let’s see how this goes.

I’ll open with a little background to set the scene. I’ve touched on aspects of my separation elsewhere on the forum, so will try to make this fresh: I’m just-turned 52 (my Ex was going around mistakenly telling her friends I’m 54, but I’m not). We have two little ones aged 5 and 8. Around Christmas her father became ill and we were all worried. One day I snapped at her over something trivial and she asked me to move out. It’d been threatening for a very long time though I was the only person in Britain who hadn’t anticipated it - at least, not consciously.

We’d only recently moved far away from our former home, ironically to help save things. I’m generally a loner. Don’t speak to my family much. In the immediate aftermath of deciding to part she had a series of friends stay with us. It was challenging to smile whilst hunting for another place/anticipating how the kids might take it all. I got spectacularly lucky and was offered a 2-bedroom house just 15 minutes away. The distance is about right for a variety of reasons.

It’s taken this long to even begin to feel settled. I get to see my kids 3 times a week and they stay with me whenever she is away for work. The kids have been an emotional rock for me, personally. Clearly they were upset and there have been tears. However, my eldest was philosophical (she gets twice the toys, fun and a new bed to sleep in). I believe the main reason we were able to manage the transition for the kids was because my Ex and I are more or less amicable. There was no painful, irrevocable breakdown, we manage our shared interests (the kids, visiting and related money) with relative grace.

Behind all this, though, there is unhappiness and resentment. A number of events from our shared past have caused her now to dislike me. Perhaps, as we go along I’ll share a few of them. On my part I know separating was the best thing for all concerned. Even so I, secretly miss her very much. I still care, I sometimes feel the urge to share the emotional ups and downs I experience (though this would be inappropriate). I think she’s an amazing mother. These new parameters in our relationship continue to challenge. Because we don’t talk about it I have no idea how she is managing things though suspect she has her own set of associated challenges.

That’s my introduction. There’s a few stories I’d like to share but they can wait for another time.

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Default May 10, 2022 at 02:58 PM
  #2
Thanks for posting what you did. Since I have been single for so long I have few memories of my past relationship except that the ending was very amiable. I think we both just grew tired of each other and wanted to start new lives. We shared an apartment and one day we both moved out. I remember that my mood for the next years was: "Wow, I'm so glad I am free." There were no calls or visits after that. Of course there were no children involved so obviously my situation was different than yours.

I think it is good that you post your state of mind here. Posting day to day might be helpful. Sadly I am not any kind of expert of what is "helpful." I did like reading your post and will look forward to reading anything else you choose to post. I hope that with the passage of time that things will become better for you so that you can have a deep peace of mind and joy of living. Wish I knew what else to say.
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Default May 10, 2022 at 04:59 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
I hope that with the passage of time that things will become better for you so that you can have a deep peace of mind and joy of living. Wish I knew what else to say.

Hello again Yaowen
There really is nothing TO say, but I have a lot of faith in the passage of time bringing perspective and healing.

I think you're correct that chronicling thoughts in this way might be helpful.

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Default May 11, 2022 at 08:59 AM
  #4
Last Monday there was tension at V*****'s place.
Until then we had both independantly, quietly, stopped inviting each other into our houses during children's pick-up/drop off.
Ostensibly I was invited in to show her how to work the steam cleaner (V***** has never, to my knowledge, cleaned the flat. Now she can't afford the cleaners fee). She needed help moving some furniature, however, and that took presedence. Then a 30 minute phone call with a leading ISP trying - unsuccessfully - to change ownership of the account. The mop was forgotten.

I'm due on a training course in two weeks. Out of town and needing to raise funds to help cover petrol costs. The last remaining item belonging to me at her place is a film projector. I could sell it along with a screen to help myself out. She wasn't happy about it. With barely-concealed irritation snatched it from my hands as I headed for the door. Marched it back into her bedroom. The kids still use it, she says, so she'll give me the money. I get that the kids occasionally use it, but her irritation annoyed me. We exchanged curt words and I left.

Only minutes prior I'd stood behind her, listening to her deal with the ISP advisor, getting nowhere, and I was thinking "My goodness, you look so good. I still really fancy you. I don't know if I love you. Perhaps. But I'm still drawn to you for the same reason I was back when we first met. I want to tell you I miss you but I know you're not interested in how I feel."


The tension, upset of that encounter, and sense of longing for V***** that lingers within me, reinforced why we stopped inviting one another in. It's just too complicated. Until that point we were mangaging really well.

Sex between us faded around six years ago after our second child came along.
When we met it was exciting, fun, everything it should and could be.
Somewhere along the line I (thought) I noticed a change in her sexually.
She wouldn't allow me to touch her the way I used to.
We never kisssed until it was over, ultimately we didn't kiss at all.

I wonder whether she thinks of me sexually. Has she dreampt of me?
I still dream of V*****. Sometimes anxiety dreams where she's with someone else or rejecting me. Sometimes its tender, we touch and I feel she likes me still.
Either way it's comforting when she comes to me in my sleep.

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Default May 12, 2022 at 12:09 AM
  #5
Dream from last night:

I'm living in an unfamiliar city.
It is busy with people but run-down buildings and rubble are everywhere.
I'm aware that V***** and I are no-longer together as a couple so I'm searching the streets for her.
At some point I find her and it becomes clear she no-longer wants me.
I'm sitting in the car of her former boyfriend waiting for him to give me a lift.
V***** and he are back together.
Through the windshield I observe them move closer as I wait.
It's a tender, loving embrace and I'm devastated.
In a hurry I leave the car, anxious to show someone how grief-stricken I am.
I see an old colleague enter a lift up to the train platform. I follow him but its just too complicated and I give up.
I walk on and realise all the city children are out of school but I don't see them only hear their voices.
I see another old colleague.
She greets me and mentions the out-of-school kids.
The tears well up. I burst out crying and excuse myself. At least she saw me upset.
She follows and asks if I'm OK. Don't recall my response.

I wake up into reality with wet eyes and thinking of V***** whom I spoke with at her door yesterday. She looked great again - perhaps just out of the shower. She mentioned how stressed she's been due to me spending a week away on training and her having to have the kids without support (a sideways reference to the recent tension and another argument we had on the phone the day before). I tried to play it cool but probably just seem awkward and leave quickly.

6:09 now. I have to start thinking about the kid's breakfast.

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Default May 14, 2022 at 01:36 AM
  #6
E…. is away with V….. on a camping trip this weekend. It’s just N…. and myself until Sunday evening.

The kids have contrasting personalities:
Two weeks ago N…. spoke of a dream in which she was abandoned in a forest. On a few occasions she has called me , terribly upset, expressing her wish that I return to the family home and stay forever.
E….., although upset, hasn’t openly cried or asked me to return home. Her response seemed more measured, then philosophical. The new house was an exciting adventure alive with potential hiding places and cupboards to sit in. Ultimately she reasoned there are now two beds for her, twice the toys and a new town - double the reason to be excited.

Desire and longing have dominated my recent dreams (the one’s I can recall). During the day thoughts drift back to V…. and how I want (or think I need) her back in my life. I’ve mused over whether we could make things work given time or if she would want to. I’ve noted this creeping fear that she would embark on another relationship. Rationally I know this is a reflection of my vulnerabilities. Getting back together soon would solve nothing; V….. has been right to keep an emotional distance; anxiety of her meeting someone new is nothing more than that: Anxiety.
Being apart might be the best permanent solution to our difficulties and I want to be alive to that possibility.

DREAM FROM LAST NIGHT

I’m living with V….. in our former home though the surroundings are unfamiliar. The kids are no where to be seen. We are walking the streets and I’m preoccupied with thoughts of her and us. We visit a neighbour who has one cat (in reality the neighbors had 5 cats which used our garden as an enormous litter tray twice a-week. It drove me absolutely crazy). Another neighbor has a small dog which is terorrising the poor creature, taking every opportunity to intimidate it. We watch as the dog frantically digs a hole beneath the garden fence in pursuit of the cat then yaps hysterically. We tell the neighbor what we saw. The neighbor is understandably concerned. On the way home I ask V….. for her thoughts on us working things out. She is unable or unwilling to commit to a definitive response. I’m deflated and saddened but awake feeling perfectly okay.

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Default May 25, 2022 at 12:36 PM
  #7
This must be very difficult for you. Thank you for sharing. I think these are all common emotions and phases that people go through after a separation. I will continue to read your journal so I can know that I am not alone in my reminiscing and missing of my ex.
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Default May 26, 2022 at 02:01 AM
  #8
V***** and and talk on the phone.

We’re trying to arrange the kid’s looming summer break (7 weeks off school). Both she and I work full-time and the plans require lengthy negotiation.

A week earlier I received a text from her with an schedule for both of us, built around her own plans for travel with the girls. She asks for my thoughts. I’m irritated at having summer mapped out for me, designed largely for her own convenience. I want to share the girls this summer, but I wanted to be part of the planning. She expresses annoyance that I’m unable to meet a couple of dates. She can’t, or won’t, accept one particular date on which she wanted me to meet, and collect, the girls, at a train station following a trip away. I want to collect them from home early the following morning. V***** challenges me. I sense the tension rising from the pit of my stomach. I challenge her back, my voice rising. She ends the call.

Fast forward a couple of days and we’re talking again. Her voice sounds different. The implacable undertone replaced by something more conciliatory. We’re both less tense. I’m happy to give this another try. An agreement is reached. It required flexibility but the girls have a great summer planned.

I’ve been avoiding too much interaction with V*****. Recent tension and my own mixed feelings have bothered me. Almost every time we met V***** would challenge something I was doing or failed to do (washing the girl’s school clothes, wanting my projector back, etc). I’ve allowed myself to be upset by her manner and words; I wanted to withdraw somewhat until better able to cope. I wonder if I’ve also been looking for a way to retain a sense of control over the situation.

As we speak I’m surprised to hear V***** invite me over when her friend is visiting (someone I liked). I feel torn. A couple of her friends clearly didn’t know how to respond to me. It was distracting and upsetting. She then asks whether I’m going to watch a performance her niece is taking part in. I say 'No' and explain why. She, annoyingly, stays with the topic. Her sister had invited me but recent tension/confusion put me off. I decline again.

She introduces the topic of divorce. My breathing gets deeper and slower. I sigh, quietly, a couple of times. I’d mused over this but hadn’t, yet, seriously considered anything. She asks for my thoughts. I feel mixed. She feels things are irreconcilable. It hurts to hear her say the word but I know, deep down, this is correct. She intends to begin divorce proceedings.

I’m wrong-footed but not distraught. I go for a long walk and feel slightly better. I think it’s the finality of it all. My mind wanders and I’m thinking about her love life. Is she interested in that colleague she used to speak highly of? He’s just her type - the polar opposite to myself. I’d be crushed though not entirely surprised.

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Default May 26, 2022 at 02:06 AM
  #9
Later that night...

DREAM

The father, or some other close relative of V*****,

Possible trigger:


They have no idea he was the perpetrator. I race from person to person imploring them to see or understand he is guilty. They are still in mourning and either too upset or disbelieving to pay attention to my pleas. I am emotional, beside myself with grief. No-one will listen.

I awake suddenly with tears streaming down my face.

In reality my relationship with her father was generally good so I’m surprised he appears as the victim here.

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Default May 29, 2022 at 02:59 AM
  #10
DREAM

V***** and I are in some planning meeting with several of her colleagues. We're all hunched over tables working.

A male colleague/friend of her's enters the room. She greets him warmly.

Triggered by this I lash out, making a hurtful comment about their closeness. Colleagues at the table hear me. V***** leaves the room embarrassed and upset.

A colleague to my right comments on the unwarranted cruelty of what I said. I know this to be true.

Still in the room I spy on V***** through a window as she chats with a female friend in the grounds below. I jerk back behind the curtain to avoid being seen by them. They're just talking.

-----

This dream is from last night.
I get a wave of emotion reflecting on it.

It mirrors the difficulty I faced coming to terms with some of V***** closest relationships. Due to my own insecurity and whatever unresolved trauma I have, I managed to destroy one significant relationship she had for which, I know, she will never forgive me.

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Default May 30, 2022 at 06:53 PM
  #11
Somewhat overwhelmed with anxiety this morning. The impulse to let V***** know how I was feeling, to email or text, was persistent and distracting. Walking helped settle me (I’m doing hour-long walks with a weighted bag on my back for fitness).

Can’t quite recall what it was I needed to share with her... Probably just needed to get things off my chest (It’s difficult, sometimes, having no-one around that I can offload onto and, in the past, I’d leaned heavily on V***** for emotional support). I felt weak, upset, vague.

Since I moved out she has gradually withdrawn emotionally. After N***** came along (six years ago), we’d basically been living separate lives together, but there was still companionship. Now she’ll never ask how I’m doing (coming to terms with this was incredibly challenging).


She’s made it clear that I don’t need to share the details of my life. Perhaps it was this that was bothering me? I just completed an intense, week-long swimming course. Previously she’d have been supportive and keen to know all the details. V***** feels this detachment was the right thing (it may well be) and, of course, musing over it only led down a rabbit hole of fanciful, hurtful scenarios.

Interesting to note that my need for her attention and reassurance were such a negative feature of our married life. I realised recently that in my closest relationships I become a child: I’ll stop making an effort or being assertive; I demand attention and nurturing. The sex desire goes. It all turns back onto myself, my emotional needs being met met. Am I looking for a surrogate mother-figure? Someone to love and care regardless?

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Default Jun 07, 2022 at 03:01 PM
  #12
V***** recently raised the subject of divorce. It unsettled me badly. I felt myself sinking, grinding to a halt, adrift and utterly empty inside.

It's taken this long (two weeks) to link my reaction with abandonment. Finally occurred to me this morning whilst walking. It. All. Makes. Sense. Talk of divorce triggered the abandonment response - no wonder I was so shaken.

This realisation is something of a victory, this being the first time I’ve self-diagnosed. Surely worthy of celebrating yet heartbreaking to consider this must be close to my experience all that time ago after relinquishment.

This isn’t to diminish the notion of divorce from V*****. That has it’s own responses: grim acceptance; inevitability; determination to work on myself (‘find myself’ V****’s words); isolation; guilt.

I just saw this and it resonated:
Learn to love falling down
Learn to love the falling down, because it’s another chance to get back up; the getting back up is the most heroic thing we do in our lives.


I’ve needed this traumatic fall in order to rise again. I’ve almost been waiting for it to happen. Perhaps my whole life. I often fantasise about being heroic or at least worthy of admiration.

Why didn’t I completely breakdown being separated from the girls? Why only this grim acceptance? Why, within the context of many relationships, honest self-reflection was never possible? What happens to me, what do I become?

I always knew I was failing in relationships. I could see it happen in real-time. I have never been happy with who I was (am). It merely became part of how I’d define myself - Me, the one who cannot maintain a relationship. The unpopular, odd, self-conscious and awkward individual.

Reading The Primal Wound was pivotal for me and central to how I now make sense of my own experience.
I was relinquished as a baby.
I’ve fought hard against the recurrence of that trauma ever since.
I inclined towards solitude.
I yearned for love and acceptance yet was unable to handle the required vulnerability.

In adulthood I smoked weed heavily and masturbated for self-pleasure and comfort. In relationships it continued as a means to avoid the challenges of intimacy. I was emotionally demanding and particularly unkind to anyone on the outside whom I perceived as a threat. Those I should have loved, and been loved by, I managed to turn against myself.

This time when we separated I quickly stopped smoking (although I continue to struggle with masturbation). I knew it was time. I simply couldn’t justify it any longer. The result was almost immediate: Clarity of thought; painful but honest assessment of where I was at in life; renewed determination to work on myself towards being the person I want to be.

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Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 27, 2022 at 10:39 PM.. Reason: OP's request.
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Default Jun 25, 2022 at 01:13 AM
  #13
DREAM

I'm lying in bed with my two daughters.
The youngest manages to s**t everywhere - the duvet, the pillow, the floor.
I'm calling to V**** for assistance.
Don't remember whether she can't or won't hear me either way she offers no help in cleaning up.

Time passes we're out in the street.
I'm with V***** but our eldest daughter has gone for a walk with a friend of hers (the close friend I managed to cruelly alienate forcing V***** to choose between us).
They're late getting back.
V***** asks where they might be.
I respond can't recall what I say.
V***** answers me. Everything about her tone and facial expression suggests a deep dislike of me.

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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 04:27 PM
  #14
It feels as though I’m going through the stages of grief. I have experienced:

Denial: whilst I was still at the family home, hunting for a place to move into, I occasionally felt the unexpected rush of excitement at starting over. I’d fantasise that moving out would allow V***** and I emotional/physical space to work through our problems. I hadn’t even begun see the situation as it really was. Utterly unable to comprehend the degree to which we had deteriorated. There was nothing left to salvage. No intimacy. No respect, love or desire to continue. I never, not once, saw this. Carried on as if a relationship without sex but with unhappiness and anger was somehow normal (perhaps it was for me...?) or would magically begin to resolve. It couldn’t and never would. On New Years Eve V***** insisted I stay up with her. We sat on opposite sofas. We drank and watched TV. At midnight she stood at the window watching fireworks. I lay dozing longing for bed. No embrace or good will. Just two souls a million miles apart.

Anger: It was mostly contained but I recall the night I had a meltdown with the kids and called V***** hoping for support. She refused to come home, choosing to stay out drinking. When she finally returned we argued. She told me to go, to move out. I did something I never do in anger: I got in the car and drove fast going nowhere in particular. I got angry/upset at related things, too. I suspected all the details of our marriage - my failures and shortcomings - were being shared with her friends. It was almost too much to contemplate. I was acutely embarrassed and hated her for it. Hated her for doing what I have never been able to do - find support in friends.

Bargaining: Related to denial. In vulnerable moments I believed that if I could only prove to V***** I was changing - get into therapy, lose weight, be more confident, face issues, not be weak and angry, more social, more of a man - she’d soften, we’d talk, it’d be ‘normal’, we’d resume a relationship, albeit living apart. If I do these things it’ll all work out.


I suppose after nine years of living with another person some habits die hard.

Depression: Recently, I was brought crashing back to earth when V***** raised the issue of divorce. I knew it was coming but had not yet begun to process the notion. She wants out. She wants to do it for herself. She wants to put more distance between us. V***** once told me our marriage was a mistake and hearing this hurt. It may well have been true, but it unsettled me for a good couple of weeks. I’ve mentioned previously that I think she dislikes me. Either way she suspects I deliberately made her pregnant to keep her close and resents me for a number of other reasons which have been building steadily over the years.

I knew something was wrong because I went from optimism, being future-focussed (I thought I was coping OK. I wasn’t) to being paralysed with sadness. I literally stopped doing anything for several weeks. Emotions see-sawed. Walking, exercise and the support of work colleagues (the only people I talk to about separating) helped get me through it. I think I’m better now.

Acceptance: Today my mood shifted again. I don’t entirely trust that it signifies anything but where I am at this moment in time, though. I’ve been feeling a little defiant over the divorce. I’ve told V***** I’m not willing to pay for it since she is the petitioner. I don’t feel too badly about this.


Money has also, inevitably, become an issue. Before I left the family home she asked how much I was willing to pay each month. Without thinking I agreed to pay £300 which became £380 after she wanted to share responsibility for the kids out-of-school activities etc (on the face of it I think this is fair enough).

I moved out. Rent was due, Council Tax, Petrol, Utility bills, car repayments, etc, etc and I realised how unrealistic my offer had been. I wasn’t going to make the first rent payment. V***** didn’t want to hear about it. We argued on my doorstep but I insisted I had to pay £50 less. Now, I need to negotiate it slightly lower again in order to keep my head above water. Again she shouted me down and pointed out her own out-goings. I’m considering going through the Child Maintenance Service. At least that way it’ll be automatic and at a level which is legally determined.

I signed the initial divorce paper. It made the finality of what we had very real. I know I’m alone again though I think she deserves better from life than she experienced with me.

I’m not on a big salary. She earns three-times what I do. I’ve had to make sacrifices and feel she should too if necessary. Our girls will never go without (I just paid for a holiday away with them which they’re so very excited about). I see them regularly and they stay with me two-three nights per-week. We’ll have to return to the subject of monthly payments at some time. I want to be fair on V***** but won’t do this at my own expense. £200 per month is not enough for me to live on.

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Default Jul 08, 2022 at 12:00 PM
  #15
Thanks for sharing what you are going through, we are in the same predicament. My husband ended our marriage although I know he's still got feelings for me but is fighting them. He avoided me for months until that one night when we could not avoid each other anymore. I still love my husband..... or probably more accurate to say that I've still got feelings for him although I have been feeling a bit of emptiness in my life with him lately. We had sex that night we could not avoid each other anymore, but it was purely lust for him. I did not feel any love from his side although, to be honest, nor did I feel anything for him. I was more like a third-person looking in, trying to make sense of what I was feeling, if I felt anything at ll. What hurt me though is when he said we should not probably be doing what we were doing but that he needed the sex desperately. I felt like a *****!

It is interesting to see a man's perspective. I did not realize until now that men are as emotionally affected with a break up as much as the women. My soon to be ex-husband acts like everything is normal. He is 62 and Im 55. WIth our age you'd think we know more about relationship. THis is a 2nd marriage for both of us.
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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 04:39 PM
  #16
I’m having fewer anxiety dreams regarding the separation. However, I'm not sleeping very well at all.

Eventful past couple of weeks.

A draft 'Minute of Agreement' arrived from V*****'s solicitor on the 7th whilst I was still sick with Covid.
This document precedes a formal divorce application, setting out financial and child welfare arrangements.

Took a few reads before I was able to comprehend the implications of what I was being asked to agree to.

The general idea is for a clean break. Each of us leaves with what we entered the relationship with.
Neither party makes claims on the property or finances of the other.

What caught my attention, and initially concerned me, were the proposals for child maintenance payments.

I was asked to agree to an amount which I had been clear with V***** wasn’t sustainable.

The agreement also gave V***** the right to increase payments (inline with inflation) annually at her discretion.

Provision is made for amending payments in the event of ‘material change in financial circumstances’ by agreement, then through the courts should no agreement be reached.

The MoA initially made me sad.
The formal tone and finality of it all just wasn’t what I wanted to deal with.
After my holiday with the two girls, though, (we went to the Scottish coast) I felt more prepared.

However, I was uneasy with it.
It took a few days to realise why.

No provision is suggested to protect me in the event of, say, loss of income.


Once the MoA is signed one is bound by the terms within it. Making subsequent changes can only be done by agreement or via the courts.

Yes we could negotiate a new figure, but what if our relationship breaks down completely?
What if bitterness enters into it.

The only other option is to go through the courts - more solicitors, more BS, more money.

For this reason they suggest getting the help of a solicitor to understand the legal terms of the MoA and implications. But I can’t afford one.

I made a few enquiries here and there.
Am I compelled to sign even if not in agreement?
Is there an alternative?
The answers are No and Yes.

I looked into the Child Maintenance Service.
They make a formal assessment based on income then offer a suggestion with regard to how much should be paid.
This may either be used as a starting point for negotiation between parties, or formally set as the monthly maintenance figure.
Importantly they automatically adjust the figure up or down based on personal circumstances.

This seemed a much less risky option for me. I decided to pursue this instead.
I wondered how V***** would react.

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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 04:59 PM
  #17
The other night I dreamt I was with another woman.
In the dream I was relieved to discover she was brunette (unlike V*****).
I tried to hold her.
I think we kissed.

Since the subject of formalising child maintenance payments was raised last week there has been a lot of tension between us.

We argued in a playground car park.
When V***** is upset she gets personal.
She made it clear she just wants out of the marriage and away from me. I was crushed. What kind of person am I?


I'm glad I asked for the Minute of Agreement to be revised but felt unsettled and sad at how little she cares about me now. I feel small and insignificant in her presence. I know the feelings will pass but still hurts.

I began to feel paranoid about what she might be saying about me. I noticed her friends, some of whom used to greet me warmly, now have nothing to say. It's all very uncomfortable and so I avoid them if I can.

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Default Aug 05, 2022 at 08:05 PM
  #18
Here's part of the story of the demise of my first marriage. I loved him and didn't even consider a life with someone else, despite ups, downs, and normal challenges. He was my best friend. I could always be myself around him and he got me. I was always proud to talk about who I was married to. But long business trips, him meeting other people (bad male influences, IMHO) and other women boosted his ego. He was/is very attractive - think Hayden Christensen type. I liked him from the very second I set eyes on him at an Irish Pub. He started doing things out of character, such as buying cars he would never buy. For example, he said he would never buy a Ford nor be seen driving a white car. Guess what? I think the "other woman" liked white Fords because that is the car that he bought without telling me. He went as far as getting ready to propose to her and move her into the house that was in my name (joint, of course, by it was my house too!). He was older than me, and while I wanted a family, he clearly stated that he did not want children in the house when he was in his 50s. Guess what? I periodically look for him online and he remarried and, alas! Has a family. I gather he did not want a family with me.

What I find most interesting about my current situation is that I do not feel about my second husband like I did about my first one. This man wanted a wife but does not want to be a husband. He has tried to manipulate me - but cannot win. He has attempted to break me down - but I gather either he is not that good at it or I am made of steel. This man has insulted me, threatened me, and since last November when we had (yet) another fight, he reached for my throat. That is when I kicked him to the basement. The master suite is mine. While I do not necessarily look forward to a divorce, I do not feel sad, depressed, like I did in the first one.

I was separated from my first husband for 4 years before I finally filed. I tried so hard to make it work. I have no regrets, looking back, that I didn't do my best. At least, I can live with that.

The man I am married to currently has no idea what a healthy (emotional) marriage looks like. To summarize, this man has engaged in gaslighting me, tried to belittle me, has some narcissistic tendencies, and had the nerve to tell me that he would divorce me if I did not believe in God. He considers himself a righteous Christian but because I do not share the same beliefs (and I have never tried to change him), he constantly brings it up as if I am not good enough. Well... he also lacks in other departments but I wouldn't think of giving him the cold shoulder. I feel like he is on a crusade to recruit Christians and am an opportunity to increase the numbers.

My first husband never insulted me nor raised his voice at me. There are countless of such instances with my second husband.

I don't want to be alone but I also want to live in a clean house...

I thought I'd be married by 25, have 2 kids by 30. I am in my 40s and no children. I don't even know if I may meet someone else or I will live alone the rest of my life. So not what I planned or worked for.
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Default Oct 16, 2022 at 05:20 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by 2ndDivorce View Post
I thought I'd be married by 25, have 2 kids by 30. I am in my 40s and no children. I don't even know if I may meet someone else or I will live alone the rest of my life. So not what I planned or worked for.

I'm 52 and just embarked upon a new relationship with a woman I met via a popular dating website.

It's NEVER too late to pick up the pieces and start over.

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Default Oct 16, 2022 at 05:36 PM
  #20
I'm just reading this thread now @Orwellian Nightmare. It sounds like the divorce has been difficult for you, but glad to see you've met someone new.
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