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Vinnie411
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 10:24 AM
  #1
So I really don’t know where to begin. My ex-wife and I met 23 years ago. She had a boy whose bio Dad was abusive and overall just not a good guy. I fell in love with her and her son, my son. I adopted him when he was 4. I took her away from a tumultuous environment, living with her Mom, and tried to build a loving, safe home. At one point she indicated that she wanted to pursue being a professional photographer. So i gave up my dreams, was a musician who worked in the financial industry during the day, and solely focused on building my financial career. This entailed moving away to a different state to more than double my income. So I focused and I worked hard and she was able to quit her job and just focus on being a photographer. I loved it. I felt good that was something that I could do.

Well my career path took us back to our home state. However, I had to fly back and forth to Dallas every week only seeing my family for 3 days a week. I am a huge family guy and was madly in love with my wife so this was very hard but I knew I was doing right by them. Well at this point my wife began to lose quite a bit of weight. She then asked me for cosmetic surgery. I tried to convince her that I thought we was the most beautiful woman in the world just as she was. She said she wanted it to feel good about herself. So I gave her one of my bonus checks band off she went. I helped her through it, I helped her recover. Then in Jan, after she had recovered she came and told me she did not know if she was happy in the marriage. I was blown away. After what she told me I thought it was all me. I was being too controlling, too needy in wanting to spend time with my family. So I stayed up all night and researched everything I could. I got into therapy and focused on trying to a better man. Then I saw the phone bill.

Long story short, she had been talking to other men since before the surgery. I called them and in speaking with them discovered that my wife who I devoted my entire life to, posted 40+ pics of herself in the lingerie that I bought her. In poses that absolutely ripped my soul from my body. All the while as I uncovered piece by piece she denied, lied, hid. Finally everything came out. And like a fool, I said you know what we can get through all of this. I love you and lets get into therapy and we will figure it out together. So we started therapy and then everything went to hell.

In March of last year, my Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My Mother was more of a Mom to her then her own Mom who she had not spoken with for 8 years. In April, I was then diagnosed with lung cancer. During that time my wife could only get drunk to make love to me, which btw she said that term made her sick to her stomach ‘making love’. On two occasions she became belligerent and demeaning at the most intimate moments a husband has with a wife. She also hit me, to which I walked away. She peed the bed. Which I helped her to the shower to clean her off, changed the sheets and put her back. In the morning I confronted her and she said she did not remember.

She fell to her knees and begged me to stay. I said I would and there was nothing that we could not get through. So 15 sessions later and a week before my surgery out of the blue she said she was done.

My Mother died on March 2 of this year. My divorce was final on the same day. During the divorce my ex tried to take me for everything that I was worth and then blamed me for hiring a good attorney.

So here is the problem. Why so I still mourn her? Why do I miss her so? Why am I still in love? I have tried to reconnect despite everything and she says that she just wants to live alone since she never has and only wants to rely on herself. She depended on me too much. Yet for 4 more years she is obtaining a good portion of my future income. That is all I am to her anymore is a paycheck. So how messed up am I that I still love and miss my wife?

Please how do I get past this? I am so tired of being tired and I don’t want to feel this hole in my chest anymore.
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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 04:39 PM
  #2
So much to consider here.
My heart goes out to you.

There is nothing that I can offer which will make the slightest difference at the moment.
I'll just say I'm glad you're here.
This is a great place to be if you're looking for support and compassion.

Please, please try to keep your head up. It's so important.
Go walking. Listen to music. See friends. Whatever it takes just. Just please hang-in there.
I know you can do it.

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Smile Jun 27, 2022 at 06:22 PM
  #3
Hello Vinnie411: I see this is your first post here on MSF. Welcome to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.

At the end of your post you asked how you get past the tragic losses you have suffered. I'm not a mental health professional. (Most of us, here on MSF, aren't.) So we can't offer mental health advice. But, based on what you wrote, my lay-person's perspective would be your ex was (and probably still is) struggling with some mental health issues of her own. So, sadly, I'd have to say (IMHO) there may be little or nothing you could have done to save your marriage, if that's any consolation to you.

That said I'm afraid the only real suggestion I would have would be to seek the services of a skilled mental health therapist, one who is experienced in working with clients who have struggled through divorce as well as one who has experience in the area of grief and loss. It's going to take time as well as some in-depth therapy to sort through all of this and to come out the other side from all of the grief and loss you feel now. If need be, you may also want to consider looking into starting on some sort of antidepressant medication, perhaps on a temporary basis, just to get you over-the-hump, so to speak.

One very practical thing I've read about is to write letters, one to your mother and one to your ex expressing how you feel about what has happened. Of course, you wouldn't be mailing these letters. They're simply a way of working through some of the grief that is weighing you down. A skilled grief and loss therapist would be in a position to guide you through such an exercise or something similar.

Beyond that I think the only thing I can add is that you can't stop or beat back the emotions you're experiencing. This will simply cause them to keep coming back stronger than ever. You have to learn, to the best of your ability, how to let go of them as well as to allow the passage of time to help soften the blows. Beyond that, it is perhaps a matter of developing a technique for living day-to-day with what you're experiencing. There's a Buddhist practice referred to as "compassionate abiding" that may be of help. Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

My best wishes to you...

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Default Jun 27, 2022 at 09:14 PM
  #4
Thank you both. I am actually doing all of those things. I just don’t recognize my own life anymore. I am trying to be strong for my kids and my Dad.

I work, I work out and I come home and work on the house. I’m in the best shape I have been in since college but sadly there really is nothing that I look forward to. There is nothing that I look to for joy because everything I loved we did together. I taught her so many things and we loved them together and now, I’m alone.

The two woman who were the most important in my life are gone and I have to grieve them both.

I have written so many letters and burned them. I just wish I could find some measure of joy again in anything. I really just want to stop missing my ex. My Mom, well I will always miss her. She was the only person in my life who never abandoned me that is until she had no choice. And even then, I told her it was ok to go.

I know folks can’t give mental health advise but what kinds of things did you do to help you get over your ex?
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Default Jun 28, 2022 at 11:37 AM
  #5
@Vinnie411 I am sorry for the loss of your partner and the health challenges you face.

I empathize with your situation but there is no easy way out of it. It hurts and it is a big disappointment.

What I can share is how I tried to divest myself of the expectations I had that that partner would fulfill me and or make me happy. I had to reinvent myself to do that. It is not easy. But I did find that expecting others to make me happy just did not make me happy.

Helping others with the time I have left is more satisfying than what I did before. I made a bucket list of everything I wanted to do with the time I have left. Working on them has helped me refocus my life.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

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Default Jun 29, 2022 at 08:59 PM
  #6
I'm sorry for all the pain you have suffered and for all the pain you are still in. You have more pain ahead, and I'm sorry for that.

Your post reads like a legal argument. It reads like someone building a case for why he deserved to be loved. The problem is your case targets a wrong conclusion. Romantic love is not to be had by making oneself deserving of it. A lot of heartache would be gone from the world, if that were true, but it's not. People fall in love for the darn'dest of reasons, many of them pretty foolish. Poke around on this forum, and you'll find stories of persons being loved who totally have not deserved it. That's love! You might earn someone's respect or even loyalty, but you can't earn your way into someone being in love with you. In your case, this woman gave you nothing for all you gave to her. It may be that she just doesn't have it to give. She doesn't sound like much of a person.

That raises another question. In your introductory post, you portray yourself as an excellent husband. You don't have a single complementary thing to say about your ex-wife. Based on what I read, she sounds like a real piece of work. Did you love this woman, or did you feel secure possessing her because who the heck else would want her?

I think you may be clinging to this attachment because you're so convinced that she owed it to you to love you. If love can be earned, then she sure should have loved you a bunch. Twenty three years ago, you met a needy woman whose life was a mess, and you rescued her. She probably threw her arms around you, really glad to be offered a way out. I can easily see where that seemed like love. Now you see her shallowness for what it is. You need to see the relationship for what it was and what it wasn't, heart-breaking though that may feel. She did owe it to you to be fair to you. That's a debt you'll never collect because she doesn't sound like a fair person.

I'm sorry for the health struggle you have ahead of you and that you won't have a supportive partner to be there for you. Try to connect with a support group for your diagnosis. There are others facing a similar struggle. You might find an opportunity to form some bonds that are real and reciprocal.
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Default Jun 29, 2022 at 10:30 PM
  #7
Vinnie, one thing that has helped me in situations where I'm literally in the middle of the storm is to consider what my feelings are when I imagine the same situation happening to a good friend. It can be easy to stay stuck in feelings because of history and memories of the good times, but there are more stories to write. Better stories. I'm guessing you'd want love, trust and honesty for your friend. Allow yourself to deserve the same. Focus on you- find the things that bring YOU joy, find a therapist or group you feel comfortable with and that challenges you to put yourself first, and believe that great new things are coming your way. You said you loved doing things with the ex; so go do those things and make new friends who share that same interest with you. Meetup groups exist in most large cities for just about every activity and support type group imaginable. Steps lead to more steps which lead to more steps. I've reinvented myself after my break up, mostly in finding my tribe/friends, trying new things, and being grateful for all I've learned about life, parenting and myself.
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Default Jul 08, 2022 at 05:39 AM
  #8
I am so sorry. Please just focus on your recovery. The only way you can get over her is to cut contact. Your son is grown so no need to go through her. So you don’t need to ever talk to her. Block her from everywhere. Never call her. Eventually you’ll be able to move on. Trying to stay in contact isn’t helpful at all.
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Default Mar 06, 2023 at 06:21 AM
  #9
Hello,
First of all thank you to everyone. The 2nd of March marked the one year anniversary of the loss of my marriage and the loss of my Mom. She died the same day my marriage did. One year. Still cancer free so that is good. The problem is I miss my family. One year and do I think I am better than I was? Yes. But I want it to be over. I want the pain to be over. I lost my Mom, I lost my wife, I lost my family as I know it. I’m focusing on taking care of my Dad and seeing my daughter graduate High School. I am tired of the dreams the feeling of longing. I need it to stop. It’s been a year. Help, please.
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Default Mar 06, 2023 at 07:47 PM
  #10
Please hang in there. I know it is serious.

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Default Mar 08, 2023 at 05:47 AM
  #11
Thank you for that. It feels like I’m just going through the motions. Trying everyday to find an excuse to see another. Why do I still miss a woman who does not care about me at all? My head knows I need to move on but I have never felt pain and loss like this. Cancer was/is the least of my worries. I went for my annual PET scan and I did not even care about what the results were. Perhaps there is something wrong with me. I am seeing a therapist every week and have been for over a year. The grief of my Mom and my previous wife and my previous life is just paralyzing.
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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 11:54 PM
  #12
Being paralyzed is one of the worst effects of depression. I hope your daughter is spending some time with you. It's important that you'll be there for her graduation.
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 05:17 AM
  #13
Thank you
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