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thelawyerswife
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Member Since: Jul 2022
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1
1 yr Member
Default Jul 23, 2022 at 11:11 AM
  #1
First marriage lasted almost 16 years. I waited 12 to do it again. I am well educated (2 master degrees) and spent 9 years working/living abroad post first divorce. I remarried only 2 months ago and we are separated. There are many factors here that make divorce seem inevitable.
He was married before, too for 11 years. They adopted a son and daughter from a foreign country. She left him with 2 1 year olds and moved out of state. One, he had moved the family back into his parent’s home (a very large home with apartment where they lived), secondly, he drinks, and another big final card in this deck is that suffers from depression and bi-polar. He is also a lawyer and partner in a firm with his never married, still living at home, alcoholic brother. The ex rekindled a relationship with a high school boyfriend, unknown to my husband,
Possible trigger:
In the prior months she had taken custody of the children. Of course this man has baggage and emotional problems! He didn’t deserve that and I have so much compassion and empathy for him. Perhaps this is why I married him with all the problems that existed before the marriage and that have made our marriage a miserable one thus far…
Fast forward 14 years, here we are. Fighting constantly and separated. The only thing we fight about is his daughter’s behavior and his lack of parenting. She has never had a mother and some of this is to be expected. It’s a vicious cycle…she will do something (post inappropriate pictures, boys, lie, manipulate) and when I try to tell him or point anything out, he gets angry at me. He eventually learns the truth, thanks me, and things are fine until the next daughter issue. During his learning phase, he is horrible to me. Yells, ignores, blames, points out every fault I’ve ever had. He is not a husband during this time in any way, form, or fashion. She has been in therapy for 2/3 a year and he is working with the counselor. He has gotten better at parenting but at my expense of suffering. She has had no boundaries and he is incapable of telling her no. He bought her a very skimpy, party dress for her middle school graduation because it’s what she wanted. I refused to let her wear it and it was far from Sunday’s best attire as required by the school.
There are other issues, too, of course. He and his brother don’t work a lot. I still have a lease on my apartment so he has stayed here much of the last 3/4 months. He has never given me a dime. I pay for a lot: clothes for his daughter, trips, his clothes, etc. Another huge issue is his family and living arrangements. He has 5 siblings. 4 of them live out of state, the brother still lives with mom, dad, husband and his daughter in a small 4 bedroom house. Everything has to have a family meeting and/or conference call. Because this is all he has known since his first wife left, he expects me to move in that house as well when my lease is up even though most of the siblings and the counselor are against it. We need our own home to function and grow as a family and to give his daughter a normal family life.
He has agreed to seek counseling to deal with his past. We are starting couples therapy in a week, the daughter goes weekly. Because of all the daughter has done and the way hubby has or has not handled it, my family wants me to divorce. As does my 25 year old only child, a son. I never see us having a postcard family Christmas together with my tiny, close knit family. I am an only child.
I do love him (and her) but I am always the one to be left alone, yelled at, in a sense, punished. Just this week I was admitted into the hospital. He wasn’t the best when he was there but on my worst day he told me he was neglecting his family to be at the hospital with me, left, and only came back to take me home and leave again. All evening he did not call to check on me, coke by, or even respond to texts or a phone call.
I’m empty and not perfect by any means. Any advice is much appreciated!

Last edited by bluekoi; Jul 23, 2022 at 12:00 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Molinit
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Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
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Default Jul 24, 2022 at 02:56 PM
  #2
My advice? Divorce. He is clearly showing you and actually told you "his family" is more important.

Your empathy and compassion for this person is misplaced and after you ditch this relationship, please spend time figuring out how such a damaged person came into your orbit.

He could be in therapy for 1,000 years and not come close to the bottom of his problems.
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