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mathman92
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Default Jul 28, 2022 at 06:40 PM
  #1
After 11 years of being with my wife (9yrs married) she has decided she wants to leave because she doesn't love me anymore. Tells me I have been nothing but good in the relationship and I've always been good to her. Says we grew apart and she fell out of love with me. Says she has always struggled to love me through most of the relationship. I feel so blindsided by all of this.

Though I was shocked, I knew things hadn't felt the same for awhile now. She has always struggled with love and affection. Cuddling, hand holding, hugs, kisses, and sex were always a struggle for her. I am a very affectionate person and for years I have been trying to work with her to figure out how we can make the marriage work so both our needs were met. Was always so difficult to get her to open up about her feelings and talk to me. She said she has been working on her feelings for me for years but within her own mind. She never told me how she was feeling so we never had a chance to work on it together. We had many talks (mostly me explaining my feelings and needs) about the marriage and she would never open up and could never work on the marriage.

She told me this 1 week after our 9th wedding anniversary after we got back from a long vacation to Tennessee and Florida. When we got back she was very distant and wouldn't talk to me. I knew something was wrong and she wouldn't tell me. Finally after continually pestering her about it she opened up and told me how she was feeling and she wanted to leave. Said it isn't fair to either one of us to be in this relationship where my needs aren't being met and she can't love me. So we are separating.

It started out calm and civil but the longer it goes the worse the situation gets. We were trying to live together at first but my emotions and feelings got in the way. She moved on rather quick because she doesn't love me anymore but I still love her a lot. She would leave the house and not tell me where she was going or with who. So I couldn't sleep at night. She was living her life like normal and I was having a hard time dealing with it because she was leaving me out of her life and I couldn't handle it. I was constantly asking her questions and trying to analyze every detail of the relationship and trying to get answers to all the questions. She has been looking for a place but hasn't found anything yet. Since we were starting to argue a lot by living together, I tried to talk her into moving out with her mom (who said she was welcome there anytime) but she refused. Several times I tried to have a conversation about her moving out so we could stop fighting and I could move on and heal but she wouldn't. Told me I should leave until she finds a place since I'm the one who is struggling with being there while she is there. So I ended up moving in with my parents for my own health since I hadn't slept in 4 days. So that is where I am at.

This has been going on since June 6th and she is still living in the house and not found a place yet. I am ready to go back home because living with parents isn't working out well anymore. She says she is looking for a place but hasn't found anything. We are doing a dissolution and she isn't fighting me for the house or anything. She is on the title of the house and is refusing to sign the papers to transfer her interest of the house to me until she finds her own place. I am so lost, confused, and in so much pain over all of this. I want to move on and finalize everything but I can not do that until she leaves the house. I am so worried she will be there for several more months and I do not want that. She wants us to go no contact but I don't feel like I can when she is still living there. I pay for the house and all of the bills, still mow the lawn, still take care of the place, still have to get my mail so I still have to have contact with her until she leaves. She refuses to tell me if she has looked at any places. Says I am not going to know she found anything until she takes all of her stuff and moves out. Then she will tell me she has moved out. I feel so stuck. I don't have any power or control in this situation and I don't know what to do.

I could really use some advice on how to stay patient through all of this. I know things could be way worse with this separation. I'm on anxiety meds, seeing a therapist, journaling, and trying to focus on me but I don't feel like I can focus on me when nothing has been finalized and I am still connected to her. This week has been extremely hard because my parents came home from a vacation with covid and now I have covid. I had to cancel all my plans including yoga and therapy because of it and I've been stuck inside all week. My thoughts are everywhere and I'm trying to avoid messaging her. Could really use some help and advice on the situation.
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Default Jul 28, 2022 at 10:26 PM
  #2
I wish I knew how to help but sadly I am not competent in such matters.

It sounds to me as a total outsider reading your post that she wants to be in control of the whole process and knows how to get her way. I really hope I am wrong about this and I probably am wrong, to be quite honest with you.

The impressions of a total outsider hearing about a relationship from one member of that relationship can't be worth much. A licensed psychotherapist would be your best option for true objectivity because at least such a person could meet with you many times, hear more and more information about the situation and have professional insight and experience.

A marriage counselor might be helpful even during the stage of the relationship you describe although I don't know whether that is workable in the circumstances.

In any case, I am profoundly sorry for what is happening to you. It is heartbreaking. I can't even really imagine how heavy is the burden you bear or how brutal it is to suffer what you are suffering. So please forgive my almost certainly bad advice. It is so hard to give advice even in the easiest of situations. The situation you are in is very deep, complex and long-standing.

Hopefully others here with more knowledge, understanding, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post soon and respond to it with something truly helpful to you. I am currently suffering a depression which tends to warp my perspective so I wouldn't give any weight to my words. I do want to tell you that my heart goes out to you since I have been in a somewhat similar, somewhat different situation!
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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 12:09 PM
  #3
Very sorry to hear that.
I believe that you are in huge pain. These are the toughest times in life, stay strong, try to continue the therapy and I wish you that soon it will be better 💪🏼
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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 05:55 AM
  #4
I could have written the same post a few years ago. Wife , out of nowhere , with no explanation, decided after 30 yrs. it was time to move on. They come up with all these bullsh*t lines like “ I’m not IN love with you anymore “ . “ I fell out of love “ etc………..
Won’t say anything that might be used against them in court.
If you look back carefully over the years you’ll probably see all the signs you may have missed. I also had the same problems , no affection , doesn’t open up truthfully. Don’t trust her anymore, etc , etc……..
The short reply is this. Don’t let her take total control of the situation.
Get a lawyer. Don’t leave the house. I know it’ll be hard but only talk to her if totally necessary. Start planning YOUR future. Think about YOURSELF. Be selfish.
Go get what you need. Realize that people change. YOU have to change.
Don’t sit around reminiscing or feeling sorry for yourself. Move on. Practice mindfulness and just live in the moment. Not yesterday , or tomorrow.
Just make sure that your going to make it on your own.
Wishing you the best……..

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Default Jul 30, 2022 at 09:06 PM
  #5
Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. I really needed the help. I've been trying to reach out everywhere I can to get help through this difficult time. I have never in my life joined a forum and I am so glad I joined.

It truly helps to hear from someone who has gone through a very similar situation. You are correct though. As sad as I am of her decision, I seen the signs long ago. I could feel her pulling away from me and falling out of love with me. I remember even having thoughts of wanting to leave her. I could never get myself to do it. Instead I tried to be a better person. I tried to work on the marriage. I tried to get her to open up and talk to me about what she was going through. There were very few occasions where she truly opened up. The one time she did open up she told me that she felt like she shouldn't be with me and I should have someone else. Said I deserve someone else. Someone who would love and care for me like I need because she said she can not do those things for me. Said she has tried for a long time and can't. I should have left then and there. Instead I continued on. Trying to better myself and be more attentive to her but I think I was suffocating here. She didn't want more time with me. She was purposely pushing me away hoping I would leave but I never could. It hurts to see our marriage fail but I can truly tell myself I tried everything I could to make it work. When the news came out she wanted to leave, I tried to talk her into counseling but she said it wasn't going to help and she had already made up her mind. Now I just have to move on.

I did get a lawyer. We working on a dissolution. The house will end up being mine in the end because she doesn't want anything to do with it. She is trying to find a place to live but not much is available in the area where I'm from. It is very difficult to be patient and wait for her to leave but my hands are tied. Unless I change to a divorce and fight, all I can do is patiently wait for her to leave. Then true no contact can start and I can move on and make the best decisions for my own life.

Thank you again so much for the kind words and help. It is much appreciated.
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Default Aug 01, 2022 at 05:58 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by moodyblue83 View Post
The short reply is this. Don’t let her take total control of the situation.

Go get what you need. Realize that people change. YOU have to change.

Don’t sit around reminiscing or feeling sorry for yourself. Move on. Practice mindfulness and just live in the moment. Not yesterday , or tomorrow.
Just make sure that your going to make it on your own.
Wishing you the best……..

Agree with all of the above.

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Default Aug 05, 2022 at 07:33 PM
  #7
Your situation saddens me... My first divorce was brutal. I sought professional help and now that I look back, it was the right decision. While I couldn't talk about it for years, now I have no problem discussing what happened. Take your time... I read somewhere that you get through it, not over it.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 04:11 PM
  #8
Update on my situation.

She has finally found a place to live. Went in to the house a week or so ago and seen she was packing things. Was excited to see she was finally getting out but it hurt to see our marriage end. Was hard to see all the things she had in the house disappear. I didn't think it would bother me much but it has been. Starting to have a lot of resentment recently. I start to think about how things were in the past and I'm really starting to see how I was treated and I do see all the signs that she hasn't loved me for a long time. The only answer I can get out of her for the reasons behind her falling out of love with me is just that it is her. She just fell out of love and when she couldn't figure out why she tried to distance herself from me. Wanted me to be the one who got tired of her and leave. For years she treated me this way. She stopped wanting to spend time with me. Began rejecting me for kiss, handholding, cuddling, and everything that was intimate. Intimacy is something I need. I remember many times where I would talk to her about how I felt like she didn't love me anymore. I remember all the times I would become angry because she wouldn't be intimate with me. So much rejection and I tried so hard to make the relationship work but I can't do it alone. She gave up a long time ago.

These are all of the thoughts running through my head the past week and it has caused me to become angry. There have been two days now where I tried to go into the house and talk to her and she is nothing but angry, mean, and frustrated with me. This causes me to lose my temper and I start hitting things and screaming and yelling. Bringing up all of the past memories I talked about earlier. I talked to her about all of the resentment and how I have felt hurt by her. She shows no remorse and no emotions. It hurts to see her not be upset to see our marriage fall apart. I am so broken up over it. The second time I stormed into the house and it was worse. She threatened to call the cops. I never once touched her and I never would. I've never acted like this in the relationship and she said the same thing. Said she was scared cause she's never seen me like that and didn't know what I was capable of. I'm just hurt and I wanted her to see it. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling but I know she doesn't. I regret my actions but it felt good to get all of the feelings out. She talked out all of my feelings of resentment with me. She has just changed so much. Says she doesn't want any relationship and wants to be alone and do what she wants to do.

I talked to my counselor about the situation. She said if I don't stop storming into the house with her there then I'm going to get into trouble. Said I have got to stop talking to her and going into the house, driving by the house, and avoid everything that involves the house until she is gone. She wanted to know why I think talking to her is ever a good thing and how it helps me in anyway. I know its not a good thing and it never helps me. I think I keep searching for the wife I use to have. The one who use to talk to me about everything. I know my wife isn't there anymore. I feel like I don't know who she is anymore and I know she cares about me but she is done with the marriage. Says she wants to be friends someday but if I keep acting like this then it won't happen. It is just so hard to not talk to her. It has only been four days of no contact with her and today has been the hardest. Sunday's were always our days together. At least until she began pulling away from me. I know I deserve someone better but that someone isn't here right now and I worry about all of the uncertainty with the future. I have been doing so much to work on myself but it is still hard to let her go. All of the resentment I have been having for her makes me glad she is gone but there is still this part of me that loves her and doesn't want to let go. I don't ever want her back, I want to let go, I want to move on, and I want to feel better but everything is still fresh and she is still living in the house. I know the only thing left for me to do is focus on me and time is the only thing to help with the pain. Just trying hard to stay no contact but it has been one of the most difficult things to do.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 09:53 PM
  #9
My emotions got the best of me in my first divorce. It was really rough on me. But now that I am on the other side of the fence, I see things differently.

I am trying my best to be cordial (mainly to avoid emotional outbursts), and having this strategic approach can be exhausting. My plan (for far, so good) has been to talk on Saturday mornings about the divorce, hoping that anything can be resolved before we both head back to work on Mondays.

I have encouraged my soon to be ex husband to seek out activities to become more engaged in his community (religion). Today, he comes back home and after meeting people that are less well off than we are, he realizes how good we have it. I didn't have the nerve to tell him it was too late for that observation. But I did state that turbulent times are coming and that he should seek support outside.

I am done after years of going to him to explain what was bothering me, only to have him blame me for my emotions. It happened again this morning. I shouldn't have to tell a man in his 50s how to treat his wife with respect.

He thinks that if he prays and I pray (which is not my thing), that this would be solved. Despite me having told him, very clearly, that I was done after an argument in which he tried to grab me by the neck. Since that event, I have had much time to reflect. My first ex-husband was much more respectful to me that this man is. I sincerely hope he finds solace in his brethren.

Another thing that did it for me was when I thought to myself I don't want to be in the same place 5 years from now. I want a different home life. And... FWIW, I do miss my first husband. It was brutal to accept that the one person who was my best friend, lover, and rock no longer wanted to be with me. I feel for you.
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Default Aug 16, 2022 at 03:09 AM
  #10
I am honestly very sad to read about your situation. You really did love her and I can understand how painful it is to let go of the ones you loved, trusted, and dreamed of getting old with. I will say here that you need a strong support system to help you get through the emotional and psychological pain. Please go out and have a merry time with the ones you trust, like your friends, family and colleagues. Yes, it is very important to sit and evaluate your feelings and learn important lessons in solitude but you have to balance your day with everyday distractions and a few laughs too otherwise it will be very damaging to your physical and mental health. I am going through a divorce too. My husband filed it and even though it was shocking, now I think my intuition had warned me about it a long time back. So, I know how it feels when all you want is to fix things and hold on just for the sake of love but the other person has a long list of why it's best to let go.
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Default Aug 18, 2022 at 06:06 PM
  #11
Thank you all again for the advice and help. It is all very much appreciated. This is my first divorce and I am doing everything I can to get through it. I've started going back to the gym, biking, hiking, counseling, journaling, talking/hanging out with so many friends. All I can do now is keep working on myself and in time I will eventually feel better.

I still feel stuck since she is still living there but she should be out soon. I am worried about moving back into the house. I don't know how I am going to handle it. I've never lived alone. I have a lot of decisions to make for my future as well once I move back in. Do I keep the house? Move someone in? Go back to school and finish my degree? So many things I need to decide but I'm trying not to stress to much and take it one day at a time but it is so difficult. I'm still haunted by all of the memories of her. I'm worried about how I am going to handle Christmas time. I ended up booking a vacation to get away for Christmas this year in hopes that the change in routine and scenery will do me some good and not make it so difficult. I truly feel like I am making progress but it is slow and everyday is a new challenge. I never know what the day is going to be like with my mood swings and my emotions going from sadness/loneliness to frustration/anger. First I'm thinking about how much I miss her and regret losing my temper in front of her and scaring her. The next moment I'm thinking of all of the resentment I've been feeling towards her and I am glad I got angry and glad she seen how much she is hurting me. It is so difficult to control my emotions and remove the bad thoughts from my head.
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Default Aug 18, 2022 at 06:21 PM
  #12
I read this whole thread and what strikes me is that you have made a lot of progress just in this short time @mathman92. I think it's great that you are going to do what is best for you and move forward.

Sounds to me like your wife never really loved you the way you loved her. And you don't deserve to be with someone like that.
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Default Aug 19, 2022 at 04:14 AM
  #13
I do feel like I've made a lot of progress. My counselor said the same thing. I still feel terrible inside though. I am still struggling to let her go. I had an outburst of anger the other day and it is tearing me up inside that I acted that way in front of her. Since then I don't know how she feels about me and I'm trying my best to tell myself it doesn't matter what she thinks of me anymore.. I have been trying to go no contact but it is so hard to do especially with her still living there. We have 2 dogs and they are both going with her and I'm going to miss them. She said I could still see them if I wanted after all of this but that was before I got angry. I text her and asked if she was still going to let me see them but she won't respond. There is a part of me that says it doesn't matter if she will let you see them. Part of me doesn't want to keep that connection while another part of me says to let all of it go and cut all ties with her. She said she wanted to be friends one day but again that was before my outburst. I'm struggling to let go and not care what she or her family thinks of me now after my outburst. I feel terrible for how I acted but I also feel glad I let it all out. It felt good to let it out and it has helped me with not contacting her. Im trying so hard to tell myself what she thinks of me doesn't matter and if she decides not to let me see the dogs it doesn't matter and if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore in the future it also doesn't matter but trying to convince myself if this is not easy. I don't know how to feel in this situation. I'm mad at myself for even texting her about the dogs because now I'm anxious about her response that I'm not receiving.
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Default Aug 19, 2022 at 04:52 AM
  #14
The dogs do make the situation a bit more complicated. I've always been able to have a clean break from exes (but I've never been married and we've never had pets or children together).
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Default Aug 20, 2022 at 08:08 AM
  #15
@mathman92, I read through this whole thread and each of your posts. I am SO sorry for how you've been treated in your marriage. I just want to say that your anger and resentment are justified and I want to validate that. You did not deserve the way she treated you. She should have left long ago rather than pretend to love you, or rather, push you away for years by being distant BECAUSE she didn't love you. You experienced a one sided relationship and marriage with a person who struggled to truly love you. You did not deserve this! I would be yelling and screaming too - maybe not hitting things, but I would be yelling.

You also are doing amazingly well by doing ALL things to help yourself through this, so I want to commend you for that.

You will mourn the death of what you had wanted with this woman - a marriage where both partners deeply love each other - but you did not get that from her. You will mourn the dream and fantasy of the kind of relationship you never had.

And one day, perhaps you will find a TRUE love - one that is reciprocated. It's out there. I am sure you're not thinking this way yet because you're mourning the loss of a hope and dream of what could have been. Just know that she was never what you truly needed, so this is good in the end.

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Trig Aug 27, 2022 at 07:12 PM
  #16
Me and my husband and I want two things now.
Possible trigger:
Who the hell wants to live like that?

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 27, 2022 at 08:59 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 08:45 PM
  #17
It has been a long time since I posted but I have been so busy with so many things going on and I wanted to give an update. Again, I really appreciate all of the kind words from everyone. This forum has been a major help for me through all of this.

A lot has happened since last I posted but I will keep it brief and focus on what I am going through right now because I am better but I am still struggling with so much. I am back in my house. All the dissolution papers are signed and my court date is in a month. I have had no contact with her in over a week except to ask her to drop the dogs off at my house. I have tried to live without the dogs but they are like my kids and I miss them too much. We are working together to make it so we both can still see them. I have been in my house alone for over a month now. I do fine when it comes to taking care of myself but I just feel lonely. I have had family members offer to stay with me at times but it isnt what I feel like I need. I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting a companion. Someone to spend time with and make memories with. I wish I could kick this feeling but it lingers within me always. I have no want for her back in my life. Even though I wanted this marriage to work and I would have loved for us to stay together and figure it out, it just wasnt meant to be. I realize now that it is a good thing that this is happening but I still miss her and I still love her. We were best friends and now I cannot talk to her at all without getting emotional. I really hate all of this.

The main thing I am struggling with is feelings of purpose. For 11yrs I have been planning and working hard to make a good life for her and I. Four years ago we bought a house together with the goal in mind to have kids one day. I felt like I had a purpose in life. I had goals I was trying to achieve. I wanted a family and I thought she did too. Now that she has left, the future I was working so hard to achieve is no longer in sight. Ive been asking myself "What do I do now? What is my purpose and place in this world? What do I have to look forward too when everything I was looking forward too has come to a stop?" I have been having so many feelings of worthlessness and I simply feel lost and alone. She still claims I have done nothing wrong to cause this separation and that her feelings have just changed over the years and she fell out of love with me with no exact cause for it. I still struggle to comprehend how she just fell out of love with me. I still struggle to comprehend how she can be ok just leaving me behind when she sees all of the pain she has caused me. It hurts me to think about doing this to someone. I know she didnt want to cause me all this pain but she still shows no emotions. She seems so cold and emotionless. It is so weird to see her this way.

I have already gone on for so long. I just have so many emotions right now and I am just trying to move forward. I am trying to work through the anger and resentment. I am trying to forgive her. I want to forgive her and not be resentful towards her. Everything I have been busy doing lately has been focused on me. Everyday I am constantly working through my thoughts and emotions to get past this. It is exhausting and though I have been doing better now I am back home, I still have this empty feeling in my stomach everyday. I still feel depressed and sad everyday. I am still thinking about her and what I am missing out on in her life. I still miss her and love her and I dont want to anymore.
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 01:27 PM
  #18
I feel for you. I was devastated during the demise of my first marriage - I had plans for the future that never materialized, like you, having a family. And now that I am going through a second divorce, I see it is for the best.

What I am doing is keeping busy with work (distraction), reading books I wanted to read but did not get to because I was the responsible party in this ending marriage, and am thinking about living a life without someone who is judging me every day and holds on to every word to just throw it right back at me.

I signed up for Meet Up groups in my area to do things I want to. I did not get to it yet, but I am going to sign myself up for cooking classes.

There is this group for women who do not have children - although I have not seen any men in there, I would presume they would welcome a male perspective - Watch the #NomoCrones as we discuss 'Childless vs. Childfree: Does Age Soften this Distinction?' [Recording now available] - Gateway Women

I really think that, for the most part, men and women going through these life changing events are the same (?). I am much, much better now, but the 6 weeks after going to a fertility clinic and realizing that the man I was married to would never support me... that threw me for a loop.

To be honest... the man I loved was my first husband... but after many deployments and him meeting other people... well... I was all too familiar for him.

I have met many people who have gone through similar situations as me and at first, I was flabbergasted by how similar (almost identical) the situations were as they related to mine. You are not alone!! As time passes, it may get better. Do I still thinking of my first husband every day? You bet. Some people (including relatives) thought I was an idiot for trying to stick it out. But you know what? I have no regrets in that I tried because that is what I wanted. But I had to let go...

I am considering looking for jobs in other parts of the country, changing careers, etc... The world is my oyster. I am psyching myself up to see opportunities as a single person. Many of my life dreams will go unrealized. But, perhaps, others I had never imagined will happen. Betty White was married three times!

I am so sorry about your situation. Sending you a virtual hug!!!
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 02:13 PM
  #19
It’s very hard to accept that someone we loved simply did not feel the same way. That is very much like grieving a death. Grieving is sadness and anger and confusion and disorienting. It’s important to be patient with yourself as you progress through your grieving.

Don’t expect her to help you with this grieving. This has never been something she had in her. Not your fault

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Default Oct 21, 2022 at 09:11 AM
  #20
Again I really appreciate all the kind words and help everyone has provided through this difficult time. I feel myself getting better but it is slow and painful.

I am still stuck in the past. I am trying so hard to move forward but there is an incident during our separation that continues to haunt me everyday and I don't know how to get past it.

A few weeks into the separation while we were still living together, I was going on 4 days with no sleep. I was struggling and trying to make living together work out while she looked for a place. She would leave and not tell me where she was going and then come back late in the evening. It drove me insane and inevitably became the reason I had to move out. I found out through a friend she had a guy friend at work she had been talking to a lot and I confronted her about it. She said they were just friends and only talked through text and work. Further investigation revealed she had been going on walks with him. She admitted it and continued to say they were just friends. She left one night at 8 and returned at 11 stating she was anxious and needed to get out of the house. I found out late that night she met with him again at a park and walked. I got so angry and yelled and just tried to make since of it. When I asked if she seen him that night she denied it for a while but eventually admitted to it stating she lied about it so I wouldn't be hurt. It has been several months now since that incident and she continues to say after my many accusations that she doesn't like him like that and he is just a friend who is also going through a divorce.

I am currently in a no contact period with her and I am still reliving that night almost everyday in my head and I don't know how to stop. I keep asking myself why she had to see him that night. She said she never cheated on me (and it may seem silly but I believe her because I know her well enough to know she would never cheat on me and there were never any signs she was) and that he just happen to be going through a divorce like her and they started opening up to each other.

I want to move on from this so badly and I don't know what to do. I have been telling myself they are together just to learn to accept it but I still keep reliving that night in my head and feeling the pain over and over again. It has been almost 5 months and I still have no clear evidence if they are together. Part of me wants to know the truth while another part says it doesn't matter and it would only cause more pain.

I have kind of kept this event to myself due to the amount of pain it causes me and it makes me feel so much less and makes her words seem hollow when she says she just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with anyone and just wants to live alone for now. It make some question why I wasn't good enough for her but he is. There is just so much pain with that night and I'm tired of thinking about it. Now they work in same department at work and it hurts to think of them being cheerful and happy while I'm still hurting and crying and not seeing anyone.
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