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Default Jul 28, 2022 at 11:02 PM
  #1
Regretfully, seriously considering filing for divorce. My SO has become religious to the point of fanaticism and the conversations are getting worse. I cannot handle this for decades to come. I am constantly being judged. I am tired of fighting. This will be my second divorce. I am certainly not looking forward to being a 2-time divorced person, but I will live with it.
Anyone else out there divorcing a person who is leaning on religion to the point of it being unhealthy?
I sure hope for a relatively civil divorce but... is anyone else here going through something similar?
I don't judge my SO for being overly religious but my SO certainly tries to make me feel like crap - very unsuccessfully, I'd say. Which adds to the tension, challenge, etc. I can see straight through it and it frustrates my SO to unimaginable lengths. Am done.
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Default Jul 29, 2022 at 02:50 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by 2ndDivorce View Post
I sure hope for a relatively civil divorce but... is anyone else here going through something similar?

I'm currently being divorced.
This is my 2nd (1st time was my choice).

Happy to share, support in any way I can.

Keep your head up whatever transpires. It's so important.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 10:17 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Orwellian Nightmare View Post
I'm currently being divorced.
This is my 2nd (1st time was my choice).

Happy to share, support in any way I can.

Keep your head up whatever transpires. It's so important.
Thanks for the offer. So far, doing quite well despite the circumstances. But you never know... Thanks again.
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Default Aug 15, 2022 at 02:33 PM
  #4
Hi. I read your new member intro, and my heart feels for you. Now, here, I see you found this forum and that's great. It might not move fast or be very lively but you will find kind, helpful people here. It's a very safe place to write out what you're going through, and to find sympathetic folks.

It's sad when people change into someone we no longer recognize. That's what prompted my divorce (now many years ago, but traumatic and difficult for me for many many reasons). It really feels like a betrayal, when this happens.

Something I frequently remind people of is the fact that YOU are the only one who can protect yourself physically and psychologically from a person who is somehow a threat to one or the other. Please try and remember, what you are undertaking is a sign of great strength and level-headedness on your part. It sounds like you have accommodated him for long enough. It is time to really take care of yourself, and put yourself first.

I think I heard recently that going through a divorce is now known to be far more earth-shattering for people than was widely understood, for such a long time. I know it was for me, and it had far-reaching implications which colored an awful lot of situations, afterward.

But there is also a kind of closure that it brings. So, it's not all bad.

Give yourself time to grieve what has been lost.

Your life is changing drastically, albeit gradually. You'll be alright.

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Default Aug 31, 2022 at 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by MuseumGhost View Post
Something I frequently remind people of is the fact that YOU are the only one who can protect yourself physically and psychologically from a person who is somehow a threat to one or the other. Please try and remember, what you are undertaking is a sign of great strength and level-headedness on your part. It sounds like you have accommodated him for long enough. It is time to really take care of yourself, and put yourself first.
This so resonates right now. I am truly impressed with myself because I no longer care and am so tired of stating what I have been bringing up for years - which fell on deaf ears. Interestingly, tonight he was the one who came upstairs who wanted to clear some air. Now he doesn't want to be the bad guy - pretending to be the ambassador of good faith. I no longer want to live with someone who has blatantly disrespected me for years. Why now? Why couldn't he have addressed the issues in a timely manner? Now that the divorce filing in imminent? I feel as though I gave this way too many chances and that is takes 2 to tango. But again, now he wants to bring things up. Inside, I'm thinking "whatever." If it mattered to him back then, he would have done something about it. Not wait until now - and now is too late.

Today I spoke with the second lawyer. Most likely, the paperwork will be filed next week.

I think the one thing that bothers me the most is how society views people who are divorced twice. I had a good friend (didn't keep in touch) whose first and second wives used him. Great guy - but had terrible luck. My situations are not like his. I was also thinking about another guy I used to work with who I knew for decades - he too was divorced twice. Both were/are good men.

But the judgement... oh... no... Today, when I was driving back home, I thought about seeking professional help to assist with this.
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Default Sep 04, 2022 at 05:06 AM
  #6
The biggest thing I learned from my divorce was to go no contact as soon as possible.
Divorce is like the death of a loved one. Let the lawyers do all the talking for you . That’s
what they get paid for. The sooner you do this the sooner you can move on with your life.
I’ve been hearing a lot lately of marriages 10 , 20 , years old going down the drain. Its usually
because one or both partners are unwilling to do the work necessary to make it work.
I know one thing , no matter what kind of relationship you’re in , always plan for what your
going to do if it falls apart. From day one ! I’m not being cynical , just realistic.

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Default Sep 05, 2022 at 12:28 AM
  #7
When a marriage relationship is as miserable as you describe the best thing to do is end the marriage.
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Default Sep 10, 2022 at 08:24 PM
  #8
Here's an update... official papers filed with the court last week. I had a moment of sadness... This weekend am mourning the loss of a relationship. But in the afternoon, when I was trying to take a nap... I was reminded that my decision, albeit hard, is the right one.

While I respect his space in the house, he does not respect mine. I do not go into his area but he continues to, sometimes, occupy mine. He was playing music, making food, and offered me some. He knows I had just eaten and... well... history was repeating itself. He knew I would say no. Because I was trying to take a nap (was tired), with all this turmoil had to leave. He asked where I was going and told me to have fun - but not in an amicable tone of voice.

Sounds stupid to someone on the outskirts... but I guess he is grieving in his own way.

When I was out and about I saw some seemingly happy couples, having normal conversations... I so wish I had some of that. Oh well... I guess there are seasons in life....

I lit some candles and now am working on the financial aspect. I will admit he has been very cooperative in providing financial statements. I count my blessings.
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Default Sep 18, 2022 at 08:33 PM
  #9
Yesterday and today I had some "moments." I went for a hike and almost cried. This afternoon, the same.

I remember how not once, in the years we've been married, when I would cry did he ever console me. My ex-husband did. There's got to be something wrong with a person that when you are sad, have a bad day, are going through a rough patch, that your significant other does not support you emotionally. I so miss and long for someone to be there for me. And given that I know people who have not found someone, I get depressed.

Am already in my 40s. For as hard as I've worked hard to be a good person, do the right thing, etc.... I ponder where did I go wrong. I wanted a family and a stable life. Instead, working on divorce #2 and at my age, a family is certainly out of the question. I don't have friends nor family close by - they are all in different time zones.

Life can suck sometimes.
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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 03:40 AM
  #10
Sounds like you are just starting to mourn how the relationship you had hoped for has not happened. Sounds like your partner is only about “self fulfillment” and is not capable of sharing and caring with you.

I am sorry (((hugs))) please know this happens to a lot of people so don’t blame yourself.
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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 02:48 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by 2ndDivorce View Post
Am already in my 40s.... at my age, a family is certainly out of the question.

Don't lose hope because it isn't out of the question.
My ex and myself are living proof of that.

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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 09:37 AM
  #12
Had a bit of a better week. Is it right to think that I am actually looking forward to living without my current SO? It doesn't seem right, but... I have decided (let's see how life cooperates...) that I want a small place for myself (less to maintain) with a HOA - the kind that has a club house, swimming pool, gym, etc. There is one condo that I like but it is too early for me to even consider buying my own place.

I want a small place with great quality stuff. Thinking European lifestyle.

Met some people from where I am originally from and they were happy, young, and traveling all over the place. Then I thought, gee... I used to be like that! I had fewer possessions when I was younger and was so happy.

I started reading books about political science, current affairs, international relations... I miss this stuff so much.

Going back to the narcissist that I am married to... In the three years that we've lived near his family, he's had the nerve to tell me that I keep him from seeing his relatives - which is not true whatsoever. In the same amount of time, I have not been to see my family. I have not seen my mother in almost 4 years. When I brought this up, he didn't have an answer. He's all about himself. He has time to dedicate to his hobbies because I take care of everything else - and I have left my own hobbies behind. This is just not right.

This morning, he let me know what time he is going to church as if I wanted to go with him. I have friends who are religious, but religion has never been a barrier to our friendship. But living with a hypocrite is nuts.

Posted a profile in a dating site - and took it down. Not sure where or if I should even look for someone. I do think live is more fun with people - but good people you can relate to. There is this guy I liked but found out he has a girlfriend - what a bummer.

Nothing is keeping me where I am currently living and also considering moving to another place, closer to my family.

Life sure can be complicated... But grateful that I at least have options. Some people have it much worse than me.
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 07:36 PM
  #13
Now on to some venting...

I watched a video today in YouTube from Dr. Ramani about narcissists, and how you do not want to call them out on it - I have experienced quite a bit of self-restraint, but haven't been successful 100% of the time.

The disrespect and the double standards I have been putting up with... But realizing that the problem is him and not me. For example, whenever I go to the basement, I let him know and wait until I hear a response. I don't hang out in the basement and make noise. But... when he comes upstairs and he cooks, makes a mess, eats with his mouth open... basically, letting me know he is there. I so want to tell him to be quiet and to head downstairs... But I don't. I have turned to be passive aggressive (probably now the most mature approach....) and turn the TV on louder than I normally do to cancel his noises.

Today, I was also thinking about his body language in many of the nth times that I tried to talk to him about our problems... Head stands, stretching, etc. I'm sure he doesn't do that at work when interacting with his bosses. Why disrespect your family?

Talking about family... I have come across emails he has sent to his family telling them that it is all in my head, that I am not seeking outside help, and that I do not hold the same religious beliefs. Naturally, no mention of all the times, throughout the years, I have tried to talk it out with him. Thing is, if he really knew me (but didn't really bother because I was a hassle...) he would know that I have talked to people about this. And everyone pointed to the best option is to leave.

You take care of what you love... I have had cats most of my life and have taken care of them - until the bitter end. It's as if my soon to be ex is missing something... He may be emotionally stunted. I cannot fix it. I am not a professional. I do wish I had spent more time getting to know the real person. I had known of him for years before I dated him. Everyone liked him - all acquaintances. No close personal, long-term relationships. He has no friends. Some of these friends had mentioned to me that they reached out to him but he never replied.

Sometimes, I regret having taken a leap of faith for someone who wouldn't do the same for me.
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 10:26 PM
  #14
If your soon to be ex is a narcissist, it’s not unusual to look for attention any way they can get it including venting on social media. They cannot regulate emotions and need others to feed off of and they are poor at offering genuine comfort but instead simply role play at it for their own ego and to gain attention.

Be forgiving of yourself for falling for the love bombing and hoovering.
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 11:04 PM
  #15
I've been reading some stuff lately... differences between narcissism and autism. I wonder if I have been wrong all along... maybe he is autistic?

GoodTherapy | Narcissism or Asperger’s? How to Tell the Difference

At this juncture, I am curious if there may be something that I am missing. Maybe I am the jerk? He's never been diagnosed and don't even know that if I brought it up, if he would even be receptive to getting checked out.

One thing he said to me that did stick out (and made me feel like I was being used) was that he was not happy/sad about the fact that he was not going to experience the stability he was looking for. He never did mention that he feared losing me, our relationship, etc. It was about stability, staying in the same house, routine, etc. He told me I just have an itch to make drastic changes every 2-3 years. He has successfully navigated different careers in different countries. I'm confused.

Anyone else out there thought they were married to a narcissist that turned out to be autistic?
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Default Oct 05, 2022 at 12:50 AM
  #16
I have actually come across this before. Your husband may be on the spectrum or may have asburgers. There are most certainly undiagnosed adults
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Default Oct 09, 2022 at 02:38 PM
  #17
Holy mackerel!

I do think he is on the spectrum. I brought it up and he was not bothered whatsoever - he was very interested in what I had to say.

Nonetheless, he still does things that drive me crazy that I have brought up before - years ago and many times. I realize there will be no change. I also realize about myself that I cannot live with someone who has the emotional support and emotional intelligence of a brick. My cat has a more healthy understanding of affection. This is truly bananas.

To the untrained eye, there are so many similarities between a narcissist and someone who may be autistic - at least, in my experience with my soon to be ex-husband.

Many months ago I stopped inviting him to go out and shopping with me - because I took him away from his family (not true), because he didn't want to go shopping because he found it draining, blah, blah, blah. Then, this morning, because I didn't want to go anywhere and instead stay home and read a book, he says that it's as always - doing nothing on the weekends. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I cannot win. Everything gets always twisted.

Now he wants to book events and buy tickets for the upcoming holidays - I had to remind him that it may be awkward because we may be divorced by then. It's as if it hasn't clicked. But it must have - we've been working on the divorce paperwork for months.

I can have normal conversations (give and take) with people at work - but completely unable to do that at home. It's been draining. I've told him this many times, and he has always blamed me. One thing I did realize is that his behavior changed considerably right after we got married - the same day, actually. As if he didn't have to make an effort anymore.
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Default Oct 21, 2022 at 01:42 PM
  #18
Yesterday I had a mental breakdown at work - short-lived, but nonetheless... There are some factors at work that have been stressful, and yesterday during a meeting something was said that made me feel defeated.

I discovered that my soon to be ex-husband has, naturally, been communicating with his family. Which is understandable. However, the information that he keeps sharing with them is biased, and I can tell from their responses that I was never really accepted nor respected by them.

He wants to look like the good guy in front of his family and everyone else on the outside. Of course, this translates in that what I say or do at home, because no one else sees it, must be my fault because he is a stellar guy.

My ex-mother in law (first divorce) wanted to stay in touch with me. She was always so kind. I knew her for almost 15 years. I cannot be that bad after all.

I guess I shouldn't care what my soon to be ex-husband is telling his family about me - but it is what it has always been. Never respected me nor my accomplishments. People in his family who don't even know me (people who have not even made an effort to engage me in conversation, despite my efforts) have indicated that I am not being truthful.

It shouldn't bother me because in the end they won't be a part of my life. But the fact that I am now seeing the true colors of them and what they really think of me... It all makes sense that no one wanted to get close. His brother called me a liar. His brother has never had a single conversation with me! His brother has never seen us interact. I should be glad that I am disassociating myself from such individuals.

During my first divorce, my family members were a bit more objective with me in my observations.

I am thinking that, in the end, filing for divorce was the right choice. Although I wanted to share my life with someone, after this experience, I am surely going to be much careful in a partner choice/selection when/if the opportunity arises.
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Default Oct 21, 2022 at 03:29 PM
  #19
Relationships are most definitely a challenge. People tend to make things back and white when it’s not that simple. There is an increase on determining the other person must be a narcissist when instead they may be wired in such a way that they simply don’t see things or as in the article mirror properly.

I had to learn about this because my husband is very ADHD and tends to lack in patience and ability to sit and listen and see my POV on things. I have to remind myself that he is not going to have the patience I wish he had and he can have a quick temper.

A lot of people like to claim abuse, when instead there are times when a person is just wired a certain way and you can’t expect them to be more than they are.
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Default Oct 21, 2022 at 04:39 PM
  #20
"Relationships are most definitely a challenge."
I agree with you that some relationships are more challenging than others; some are effortless and some are so hard that it may be best to move on.

"There is an increase on determining the other person must be a narcissist when instead they may be wired in such a way that they simply don’t see things or as in the article mirror properly."
I've been watching many YouTube videos from reliable sources about this topic. Narcissists are wired a certain way. Yes, some people are who they are and that is it. I have explained myself to my soon to be ex-husband so many times and either he doesn't get it or is a religious narcissist. I write this because I am never good enough because I do not think about christianity in the same manner as he does. But, if only I did... I would be saved and everything would be ok. There is no reciprocity in tolerance. I just watched these 2 videos:
Toxic people, religion, and spirituality (subtitulos en espanol) - YouTube
How Religious Narcissists Will Gaslight You - YouTube

This describes many of our interactions. He always wants to switch the conversation to christianity and I have to see things his way or else. Same with his family. I can tell from all the emails. They are going back and forth with all these bible sayings - and insulting me. I (naively) thought that by being with a religious man that there would be more empathy and a good relationship - and I was wrong in this case.

"A lot of people like to claim abuse, when instead there are times when a person is just wired a certain way and you can’t expect them to be more than they are."
Yup. Like Dr. Ramani said in another video, the weather in Chicago never changes. It does not mean, though, that because they are wired a certain way that what they have done is excusable or ok.

I appreciate your point of view. These are the types of things they ought to teach in school. Ah! The school of life... it can be brutal.
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