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Default Oct 22, 2022 at 02:05 AM
  #21
I think that you thought that your husband being religious would be more respectful and accepting and loving. Instead you have discovered him using it as a way for himself to gain some sense of perfection, and control as narcissists are all about control and needing constant praise. It sounds like your husband is more a part of a cult then a really understanding caring empathetic practice.
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Default Oct 22, 2022 at 04:28 PM
  #22
Open Eyes... you hit the nail on the head. You used words I had not thought of and eloquently described it.
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Default Oct 22, 2022 at 11:30 PM
  #23
Organized religion going back through time was a way of controlling people so they live their lives a certain way. Anything organized can become a haven for those needing to control others for their own sense of power.

I am not saying religion is bad, but it can be used in unhealthy ways and has throughout human history.
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Default Oct 24, 2022 at 08:26 PM
  #24
In the last couple of interactions, I have been positive. When he asked me about my day I focused on only positive things. I did that on Friday and he didn't speak to me until today. I could tell he was upset when on Friday all I did was focus on good things that happened to me. Which is precisely one of our issues - that apparently all I do is complain.

He made an effort to discuss legalities of the divorce. He looked so pale and down. I felt sorry for him - and felt bad that he is feeling this way because of what I am doing right now. It took an act of God to stay strong. I wanted to hug him (as in a friend), but naturally resisted the urge.

I got to talk to a good friend of mine about this situation. She is now the third person who has heard it from me - I still have not told my family. And when I tell my family, I will merely keep it simple and tell them it didn't work out. I still cannot discredit him to my family - unlike him to his.

I was also thinking that it's not his fault that he was bought up in an emotionally dysfunctional family. I realized today (an epiphany?) that one of the problems in his family is that they are not allowed to feel what they are really feeling. For example, when my soon to be ex husband wrote how I felt, his brother's reply was that I was a liar. I was not a liar. The fact that you are not allowed to have your feelings and pretend to have others, is not healthy. Granted, some people have to move on at some point, but this constant state of invalidation of feelings is not healthy. Am not saying my family was any better either (just as bad), but I'm sure all our parents did their best.

He looked so frail, vulnerable, and sad. He also picked up my cat.

I lost my father when I was kid. His parents live about 1.5/2 hours away and their are up there in age - seemingly healthy. But you never know when you are going to lose someone. I have told him that he should go anytime he wants to because one of these days one or both of them will be gone and you do not want to live with the regret that you could have driven to see them. I never knew, when I was 10, that a specific night would be the last one that I would speak to my father. Had I known, I would have said something else. He doesn't know loss. He has never lost a close family member nor friend. I've lost my fair share. But I am not allowed to feel a specific way - always invalidating and pretending everything is pleasant.

If he understood me, or at least pretended to, perhaps it may have been easier. I cannot fake it that long.

Despite all this, I do sincerely hope we both move on and lead happier lives. But, in the interim, this sucks.

To anyone reading my ramblings, I appreciate you. These forums are good to let it out and ride the rollercoasters of life.
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Default Oct 24, 2022 at 09:50 PM
  #25
It’s ok to care about someone and at the same time recognize that your marriage is not going to work out.

I think that it might be helpful if you can communicate to him what I just stated. You are not happy, and he isn’t either, it’s time to go your separate ways so each of you can live your lives in a way that you both can be happy.
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Default Oct 28, 2022 at 11:50 AM
  #26
I have and proved it with specific examples. Just last night he hung around. I had a not so great day and he could tell. But rather have empathy, I could tell he was savoring the moment. I didn’t have that sentiment towards him when he had a bad day earlier. I found it validating. Hurtful, but validating.
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Default Nov 14, 2022 at 09:39 PM
  #27
Update: Haven't had to do any legal paperwork lately. Feeling quite happy, actually. I managed to remain "grey rock" during a few instigating instances - hard, but worth it because I feel like I defused the situation which in turn did not upset me.

I watched more videos on the differences between autism and narcissism. I am convinced he is autistic to a degree. I have been watching his behavior through a different lens and it makes sense. Which in a way saddens me because there is a member in my family (nephew) who has Aspergers. I don't live near him so all I know is what his parents tell me but I fear that if he or his parents/family do not help him, he may struggle with relationships when he gets older. But maybe not. Let's hope not.

My soon to be ex-husband made some rather rude comments and I made the choice (as hard at it was at the time!) to not let it bother me. I have learned that although he may not mean it to come across as rude or hurtful, it still does and I cannot live like that forever. Besides, he would also be happier if he could talk to someone whenever about whatever Bible topic comes to his mind.

There is this guy at work that I like, and I think we flirted, but turns out he has a girlfriend. I have not worn my rings in almost a year and there are people at work who think I am single - I have not bothered to correct them because I feel like my love life should be kept private. Some people at work do know that I am married. Only a few close work friends know that I am going through a divorce, but I confided in people I trust. I'm a bit bummed, but I think he likes me - some days? Although I like him, I am keeping it professional but with my ears open in case this girlfriend goes away - LOL. Even if that happened, I don't think I would make the first move.

I have been applying for jobs all over the country - and some abroad. Will see what happens. While it is sad that I do not have a family, at least, I have the freedom to do what I want without making sacrifices. I've made sacrifices for my past partners. I wouldn't mind making sacrifices - for the right man. Oh well.

I could have much, much worse problems. I am grateful to have my health, a mother and siblings who love me, food in the fridge, healthcare, a job, a roof over my head, and clothes/shoes to wear.
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Default Nov 15, 2022 at 09:03 PM
  #28
It’s very possible you are right and he is on the spectrum. I think people are too quick to label someone a narcissist. Heck even a narcissist will do that is they find a source of power in it. Yet, there are times where behaviors are tied to how a person’s brain is wired and certain things challenge them more.
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