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ZeeZags
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Trig Aug 03, 2022 at 07:25 PM
  #1
Hi,
This is the first time I have mustered the courage to share my story with the hope that people who have had similar experiences might be able to guide me better.
I am recently going through a divorce. It was a very toxic relationship that included psychological, emotional, physical, and financial abuse. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD nearly 8 years prior to our marriage but together, he and his family decided to conceal this fact from me. There were many aspects of his life that were a secret such as his drug addiction and past relationships. Throughout our marriage I was lied to and as you can imagine my trust is completely shattered.
When all hope of trying to fix our marriage seemed to be lost and I became suicidal, I finally decided to leave and came back to stay with my family. Needless to say that my decision was not received well and I continued to get angry calls where he would verbally abuse me, demean me, criticize me and blame me for the breakdown of our marriage. I was so traumatized that for a year I could not sleep properly, would get panic attacks, and nightmares, and would cry uncontrollably whenever I was alone. It is important to state that during this time, even my family didn't believe me as he would pretend to be so charming in front of everyone else.
Luckily, through my cousin, his ex-fiance contacted me and told me about her relationship with him. I was shocked to find the similarities between her story and mine. Weeks later, I decided to confront my husband with these new facts and that's when he told me that he was diagnosed with ADHD but refused to accept that his mental condition had anything to do with the problems in our marriage. In his anger, he would throw things, punch holes in the walls, doors, throw food in the mall (oh yes he loved creating a scene in public), shout at me while we would be outside, push me aggressively against the furniture, yell at people in the stores and on the road (road rage) and drive like a maniac causing me to fear for my life.
When I told him to show me his medical records so that I would understand his condition better and we could work on our marriage accordingly, he refused and decided to file for divorce instead. His ex-fiance told me that his untreated ADHD had become severe and had reached the stage known as bipolar disorder. Whatever the whole truth may be, I still suffer from nightmares and cannot function like I used to because I have a long journey of healing before me.

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 03, 2022 at 07:51 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon.
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Default Aug 04, 2022 at 06:47 AM
  #2
The short version is that this guy needs to get his act together. He obviously has
many anger issues that need to be worked on before he can even consider a marriage.
Meanwhile , you need to work on your own issues. Maybe somewhere down the road
this marriage can be revived. But I see a lot of work that need’s to be done. In the meantime
it’s probably best and safer for you to be as far away from this guy as possible. Work on
your own issues so that maybe at some point you’ll get your OWN life together and find
some level of peace.

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ZeeZags
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Default Aug 04, 2022 at 05:25 PM
  #3
Thank you so much for replying. Yes, that's true. His inability to regulate his emotions and have an open discussion about his mental condition/ insecurities drove a wedge between us and led to serious trust issues. For the past 2 months, we are completely out of touch so I am convinced that this marriage is over while we wait for our divorce decree. I am not saying that everything was entirely his fault but I did walk into this marriage unaware of his ADHD and trouble with past partners which made it extremely difficult for me to understand him and sustain a loving bond.
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Default Aug 06, 2022 at 02:48 PM
  #4
I have to respond to this. Frankly, his ADHD or potential bipolar disorder have little to nothing to do with his abuse towards you. Mental health issues like ADHD and bipolar are NOT the cause of abusive behaviors. Yes, frequently abusers also have mental health issues or even personality disorders. And for some, like malignant narcissists, abuse DOES go hand in hand with that particular personality disorder.

Your husband is plain and downright an ABUSER. Sure, his ADHD or bipolar disorder may contribute to disordered thinking, yet he is in black and white, abusive. Abuse is DELIBERATE. That's why he can be so charming to your family and hide the abuse behind closed doors, as they all do.

GOOD RIDDANCE. Let the divorce proceed. And I am very sorry for all the pain and anguish you have experienced. It takes a long time to get past, but you CAN get past it. Love does not have to equate to abuse.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Aug 06, 2022 at 04:06 PM..
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Default Aug 06, 2022 at 06:19 PM
  #5
I must say something too. aDHD does not progress to bipolar disorder, they are completely separate issues. He is an abuser and as pointed out already it is a deliberate action since he hides it from your family. Stay far away from him. Do not attribute his abuse to ADHD there are many. Many people with ADHD and even bipolar that do not abuse their partners. He abuses his partners because he gets something out of it. He is unlikely to change that unless he get specific help that deals with domestic abuse.

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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 02:09 AM
  #6
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. Really appreciate all the support that I am getting from this forum.

Yes, as the divorce is underway, there is no going back.

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 13, 2022 at 12:24 PM.. Reason: Merge two similar posts.
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Default Aug 27, 2022 at 07:13 PM
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Default Sep 04, 2022 at 01:29 PM
  #8
(1st reply)

Looks like you made the right choice in leaving. The fact that many of his people hid this from you is a problem. It hurts to leave because you care even being a part of an abusive relationship, most of us know that here. The best thing to do is keep moving forward like you are now. Take in your thoughts you have about this situation and analyze them well and always reassure yourself that you're doing the right thing. I hope he finds the help he needs.
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