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abtom87
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Member Since: Aug 2022
Location: Germany
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1 yr Member
Default Aug 09, 2022 at 08:01 AM
  #1
I cheated on my wife with whom I was married for 7 years. I'm a passionate musician and she never really appreciated something that meant a lot to me and we had already drifted apart.

6 months ago, I fell in love with another woman. She came in as a bass player in my band, she valued my music and we fell in love. We talked about common goals and how we could achieve them together. She said she raises her son by herself and wants more kids. Something I did not see happening with my wife. And I never expected that I could jam my favorite songs with a woman bass player.

I told my wife pretty early about my affair. I decided to stick with my girlfriend because it felt right at the time. She has a 9 year old son, now I live with her and her son.

And I'm not in love with her the way I used to be in the beginning because of many reasons. I feel she said those things in the beginning just for the sake of it. It's hard to work with her together. Every time I try to tell her something she takes it very personally. It's very hard to communicate or convey a message. She was alone for a long time and both of us like taking charge of things. And I get annoyed because a lot of things she does is just stupid. I don't know honestly, how long I can go on with this. Perhaps, they are just consequences of what I did my ex-wife. I did not seek marriage counselling, I was in love and just wanted to enjoy the moment. And in the initial days, I really thought I could imagine a future with her.

Physically I'm doing okay, mentally I'm a wreck. When I look and remember things what me and my wife had together, things she had gifted me, it makes me emotional. I cry when my girlfriend does not see me. She figures I am sad, but she is not aware of the actual reason.

Perhaps, someone has an idea how to tackle this situation. Thank you.
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moodyblue83
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Default Aug 10, 2022 at 07:49 AM
  #2
Sounds like this girl came around at a time you were in a “ fragile “ situation
with your wife. She gave you what you needed at the time. How long have you been with her
before the word love got tossed around ? I think this was a spontaneous , in the moment
love. Leave her , although her being in your band is problematic , and spend some time alone
to get your head together. Then try and go back to your wife and WORK on your marriage..

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Have Hope
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Default Aug 11, 2022 at 06:11 AM
  #3
I don't know what to tell you. I agree with the above, except for trying to go back to your ex wife. I imagine she is devastated over the affair and over you leaving her for another woman. It does sound like you were in the moment with regards to this other woman and didn't really know her that well before moving in together.

You could have chosen to work on the marriage instead of having an affair - so why didn't you do that? You don't have to answer me.... I am just curious why you gave up on your marriage without trying counseling first.

You also must have known prior to marriage that your wife didn't share the same passions - so why did you get married? This is also something that could have been worked out, possibly, had there been conversation around it. Your wife could have joined you in sharing your passion, even though it wasn't her own. That's what couples do - they share.

But now I'm afraid it's probably too late. I would not take someone back if they left me for someone else. That's like a spouse thinking the grass is greener in another pasture, leaving and then discovering it isn't.

I would give up the current relationship and get professional therapy to figure out why you did what you did and what you can do now.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Aug 11, 2022 at 07:15 AM..
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