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ItsForMe
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Default Sep 04, 2022 at 02:20 PM
  #1
I was married to my middle school love for almost 14 years.

Quick Breakdown
We didn't stay together from then, we got together, broke up, got back together in high school, and after about a year or so had our daughter. (Yes we were young) Broke up again about 9 months after she was born. She dated someone directly after. A few years later had a child and got married. (I think they were seeing one another before she and I parted the last time because they got together within days of us breaking up)

They divorced not so long after. She was single for almost 3 years. She then moved to Nevada with our daughter. Our environment was pure hell and poverty-driven so I gave her my blessing to move. About a year later I came to visit and we rekindled. 1 year after that I moved from Rhode Island to Nevada. Leaving all I knew behind to start my life anew there with her. A year later we got married and after that had a son. We have been together for almost 14 years after.

End Breakdown

I'm leaving a lot out but that's the gist of it all.

After a few years, things started to change... Or, my eyes have opened a little. She was aiming to be a midwife and needed all the help she can get to get there. I moved down there for her and our daughter and stepson. So my goal was to help her get there. I was Mr. Mom for years while she pursued her dream. Working 3rd shift, going to school, and leaving for conferences while I held down the home and kids. About 6 years in it started to become apparent that I was being put on the back burner. Everything came before our love and it started to take a toll. She would come home and ignore me and go straight for the kids or in our room to be alone. She would jump to their defense as soon as she got home if I was scolding them for something they did.

I didn't feel wanted, loved, appreciated, etc. So we were always arguing. We then started to go to therapy, but that didn't work we want 4 times within our marriage, and 3 of those times she walked out because the seat was getting too hot for her. She never liked to hear what she did wrong. One of those times I ended it because the person was only able to see us once every other month or so.

Through the years she started emotionally abusing me and it was getting worse and worse:

"You're a stupid, retarded, worthless piece of ****"
"If our marriage fails, it's your fault"
"I'm sorry you're upset"
"That thought is stupid. No rational person would think that."
"I drove drunk and it's your fault." (She was home.)
"I will never trust you."
"Every time you complain about something I do, it dries me up down there"
"The only reason why I'm with you is just that I love you and I wish I didn't"

I can go on.

I can honestly say I never went that route. I was always someone who wanted to talk things out, resolve them and leave the past in the past. It was hard because she believe she did nothing wrong a lot of the time. I only remember her saying sorry 5 times in our marriage.

Anyway, our last big argument was for nothing. She accused me of cheating and had no proof. (Because I wasn't) She went through my phone and found nothing, no random call records or texts. She even checked our bill to confirm. Nothing. She then started calling women's contacts from my phone. FB messaging some of them telling them to leave me alone when there was nothing there. She even went as far as calling a female friend of ours who lives 3k miles away at 12:30 am their time. Then messaged her husband on FB and another family member shortly after.

She then left for a week and didn't let me know where she was but the kids knew and I was ok with that. I called the marriage off. I was done, all I wanted to do was preserve what was left. We filed for divorce, and she changed her last name back (Good, I have an issue with women taking on the man's last name. They lose their identity.) and got it all done in two weeks! I let her stay in the house for our 12-year-olds sake and now I'm venturing into a new life in a foreign land on my own.

She is looking for me to do all these favors for her when it comes to our 12-year son who I have about 40% of the time normally. I just found out from my oldest son that she is already dating someone. and telling him and our daughter about it. (I should have ****ing known that history would repeat itself.)

I'm frustrated because not only did I move out here for her, but I put my life on hold for 14-15 years while she pursued her dreams that I helped make happen. I'm not saying I am a saint because I am not. Far from it but I own my shyt when I screw up and come back to them to fix them. She did/does not. She got away damn near scott-free.

Now I'm here with all these negative connections about myself while she is out having a great time with the life I helped her build. I didn't deserve this.

I need to get back out there and be an active part of the world again but I don't know how because all I knew and created was left back east and I don't want to move back there because of trauma really.
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Default Sep 05, 2022 at 06:15 PM
  #2
I'm sorry you're going through this, @ItsForMe

You've been treated very poorly...

Now it's time to think of yourself (and, of course, the kids)...

Are you working? Could you start your own business?

There's a book called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense which might be helpful right now...

Hope things work out in your favour...
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Default Sep 05, 2022 at 08:27 PM
  #3
It’s understandable you are hurt, but please don’t let yourself feel or say you wasted your life. Being an at home parent is never a waste of time. You gave your children something precious that money cannot buy. So please don’t let them hear you have regrets.

It’s unfortunate but when people marry young they often outgrow each other. We just learn and grow so much in our 20’s and 30’s. You are both different people now and don’t think you yourself didn’t grow. Being an at home parent also presents life challenges that one learns and matures from.

You are still a father, it’s just now you are going to see what you can do in terms of developing a career too.
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 03:29 AM
  #4
I am honestly so sorry that you are going through this. Most often people just love the idea of someone loving them. They do not have the capacity to reciprocate that love and so no matter how hard you try to love them right, they will still criticize you for not giving them enough. I am glad that you've joined this online community. We are here for you. You will get through this. Sooner or later, we all do.
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 11:22 AM
  #5
Ok so to clarify this: I was not a stay-at-home father. I was just the consistent parent. I did and do have an 8-5 salary job and because I am so damn good at what I do, I have a level of leniency. So I am able to take our kids to appointments, and work from home at times to be there before them. Help with homework, cooking, cleaning, yard work, parenting, etc. Because her work hours were so volatile, she was it was hard for her too. However, there were other places that were offering a job in the same position, same pay, and day shift and she refused even though it would have made life easier for both of us.
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 11:25 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by TheGal View Post
I'm sorry you're going through this, @ItsForMe

You've been treated very poorly...

Now it's time to think of yourself (and, of course, the kids)...

Are you working? Could you start your own business?

There's a book called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense which might be helpful right now...

Hope things work out in your favour...
Yes, I am working! I am also working on starting my own business with a friend of mine!

taskruler.com
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 01:56 PM
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Yes, I am working! I am also working on starting my own business with a friend of mine!

taskruler.com
So sorry again that you were so poorly treated. You deserve so much better...

I hope you know and feel that.

Good on you for looking into another endeavour such as a business. I'm amazed you find the time to work, parent, and start a biz. You must be super organized.

That's pretty inspiring, actually!!

Wishing you all good things in this life!
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 02:38 PM
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So sorry again that you were so poorly treated. You deserve so much better...

I hope you know and feel that.

Good on you for looking into another endeavour such as a business. I'm amazed you find the time to work, parent, and start a biz. You must be super organized.

That's pretty inspiring, actually!!

Wishing you all good things in this life!
I feel the same as TheGal. Good luck with everything!

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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 03:35 PM
  #9
Has your wife ever seen a therapist?

From what you share it seems as though you have had to give in to her needs. That if she is not happy she takes it out on you. Does that sound right?

Last edited by Open Eyes; Sep 06, 2022 at 03:59 PM..
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Default Sep 07, 2022 at 01:08 PM
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Has your wife ever seen a therapist?

From what you share it seems as though you have had to give in to her needs. That if she is not happy she takes it out on you. Does that sound right?
That's correct. She hasn't seen a therapist since we've been together. We also tried marriage counseling and that didn't help either. She would always leave when it go too hot for her. I truly believe that she isn't happy with herself. There was one time she told me I didn't want to have sex with her because I think she is ugly and fat.

NEVER once have I said that. She's very beautiful so she was just projecting and never resolved it.
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Default Sep 07, 2022 at 02:05 PM
  #11
Sometimes there is an old trauma that the person never healed from. The person instead runs from it and often unknowingly. What can trigger it to surface is when a child of theirs reaches the age when they themselves experienced trauma.

The other thing that can cause problems is when a woman is beginning to go into the change of life and starts experiencing the hormonal changes and drop in estrogen.
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Default Sep 07, 2022 at 02:27 PM
  #12
Also, when someone is cheating they try to blame things on the person they are cheating on.

Your wife may never be happy with anyone. It’s hard on the person who was willing to love and care when the partner is not committed and takes things out on the one who doesn’t deserve it. It hurts too be in the position you describe. And when there are children you can’t just walk away and abandon them. Children don’t understand this and tend to think they are not loved.
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 11:35 AM
  #13
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Also, when someone is cheating they try to blame things on the person they are cheating on.

Your wife may never be happy with anyone. It’s hard on the person who was willing to love and care when the partner is not committed and takes things out on the one who doesn’t deserve it. It hurts too be in the position you describe. And when there are children you can’t just walk away and abandon them. Children don’t understand this and tend to think they are not loved.
My Children are being affected by this:

My 23 yr old Daughter is living there temporarily and sees what her mom is doing/not doing. She's secretly going to move early next year.

My 19yr old Son (Stepson) Sides with me and doesn't agree with how she is dealing with it.

My 12yr old Son says she is not home a lot of the time and doesn't really talk to him.

My daughter is upset with both of us for some reasons I don't agree with but will respect so she wants time to herself to "do her". I did tell her that we will need to talk at some point about these issues.
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 04:04 PM
  #14
I think what you need is to have a presence that can listen and allow you to feel. If you are in a relationship where the other person can’t respect your feelings and it’s all about their needs then you never feel heard and you begin to feel like your emotional needs are a burden and often the conversation becomes a competition and the partner always has to win and throws your faults out as if you are asking them to have to give in.

It sounds like you have been dealing with a narcissistic person and they really can’t be bothered with how you feel. You are there for their needs and to feed their ego. And often this kind of person is not satisfied and needs more than just one source of ego feed. They don’t really love or care or respect your feelings. And it’s not unusual for them to already have their next partner in the picture. And often they get a feed on the internet too trying to attract attention to themselves.

This is not something you can ever change. If you look back on this relationship you will probably see the red flags that was going to lead to where you are now. You are not the only one facing this kind of reality. It’s not your fault that she is this way.
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 04:25 PM
  #15
It sounds like your wife was not really there for her children either.

Your older children are grown and can plan on distancing. Your twelve year old is the one that will need your love and assurances. At this age they tend to feel that they are not loved and valued enough for their parents to stay together where they can experience a loving happy home. They simply are too young to understand the complexities and that it is not because they are not important or loved.
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Default Sep 12, 2022 at 04:31 PM
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I am sorry things did not work out the way you had hoped. I believe you tried and genuinely wanted it to work out. This is something you will need time to grieve. This is like grieving a death but the person is still alive, what has died is the dream of what you wanted. ❤️
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Default Sep 14, 2022 at 05:58 PM
  #17
So sorry this happened to you. Your wife sounds like she had serious issues and no interest in facing them. Surely you will be happier in the long run without her, though it will take some time to move through the pain and the loss.

An older colleague had no idea what to do after retirement. I suggested he spend the first year just focusing on himself. In this context, it meant getting into better physical shape, finding a healthy routine that suited him, fixing up his house which had fallen into disrepair, etc. Maybe you could try to focus on yourself in this time and develop a lifestyle that will make you feel happier. When going through a difficult time, routine is a big help, and also positive social interaction.

You wrote: "Now I'm here with all these negative connections about myself while she is out having a great time with the life I helped her build. I didn't deserve this." It's best not to imagine all that and not care, but...from what you have described, I don't think she will be able to be happy for long with the issues you have described. I don't think she sounds capable of maintaining a healthy relationship for long, and very few people will be as patient as you were.
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