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Jack Cade
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Default Sep 05, 2022 at 10:35 PM
  #1
6 weeks ago she told me we were over and that one of us had to move out. For a few reasons (her family house, her work from home breadwinner income, & guilt), I decided it had to be me.

Ever since everyone I tell rushes to give advice, but that makes me feel small and more alone; maybe that makes them feel big.
Their advice, well meaning as it usually is, isn't what I need.

I need to feel good again, I need to feel like a guy whose life isn't falling apart, I mean, my life is a disaster.
I know that.
I could use help fixing it, but I can see how to do it. It's not too mysterious.

I used to say that I never thought I'd be someone in a long-term committed relationship.
(We never married--which hurt her more than I realized--because we butchered the proposal.)
Now I can't believe I'm going through a 'divorce.'

She said, we had to separate, that we weren't happy. She's not wrong, but I'm an optimist: I believed things could get better.
And, I've been single as an adult, she has but been, I know it sucks.

Now, I'm going to be alone for the first time in 16 years when I move into an apartment (waiting a few months to divide the equity in our house) this week.

I'm 52, I have a lot of education, but have been writing & house remodeling & supporting her career-quest, and being a slug.

We've moved a bit and I've lost touch with friends and haven't made new ones.

I'm afraid that I'll never get back on my feet, afraid of dying alone, afraid of never sharing and making new memories with someone. Not sure that I want to.

Suddenly, I'm no longer a man with a PhD finishing the last major remodel project on his house, planning a tropical vacation for the winter, shopping a couple of books to published & writing others, while teaching a couple of college classes.

Suddenly, I'm a middle-aged man, down on his luck who everyone feels needs whatever advice that they can think up no matter how inane.

I'll be okay (probably), if for no other reason than that I'm too arrogant and egotistical to let this keep me down.

But, boy does this hurt.

Our relationship was perfect until we bought and moved into our first house.
We went from sex 1-6 times a day, every day, to once a week, then once a month, this year it was twice in 8 months.

I was a shy boy and young man, didn't date much, had some relationships, one serious. A child of divorce, I've always been an emotionally guarded person.

Except with her.

When we moved into together, I became that way with her.

She's a very sexual, touch centered person.

Along the way we've gained weight, drank heavily--I stopped a few years ago, her 2 months ago--lost weight, put since back on, etc
For years she smoked & her breath was a turn off.
Then she was a drunk & a turn off.

Basically, we made a mess of what we had.

It started with me, but she shares the blame.

We could've fixed this 5 years ago, maybe.
We should've fixed it 10-13 years ago.
We didn't.
So we've lost it.

We (me & you reading this) who've gone through this, have to overcome the reflex to protect ourselves, or we'll die alone and unloved. Even if we're in a relationship.

I had a very minor stroke a few years ago (I can't smoke cigars, but I had no other impacts), the guy in the room next to me had had a major one, he was 60s, on his third wife who he treated like crap.
Everyday, I listened to his interpersonal dysfunctions and instead of taking a lesson away from the closed off emotional world he so clearly existed in, I instead, focused on NOT never having a major stroke and doing more with my life than working some crappy job were I'd one day have a stroke.

I missed a part of the lesson he was teaching. I missed the need to change my relationship so that it didn't resemble his.

Our divorces & separations have somethings to teach us.
As awful an experience as they are, we'd be fools not to wring every piece of profit we can get from them, to in some way mitigate the emotional toll they take on us in anyway we can.

That guy's mind had been altered by his stroke, but his wife's emotional distance with him did but bode well for their relationship.

My partner's distance from me should've warned me, but I'd been too blind for too long but to see.

Don't be like I was, be like I want to be.
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 03:47 AM
  #2
Hi @NealRK welcome to the forums. You have done some important unpacking with your opening post. It sounds like you need help sorting through how to deal with all the emotions you are experiencing. You are now in your 50’s and your life is not where you thought it would be. Well, that saying “mid life crisis” is something that hits all of us. A lot of the things you have shared are normal in terms of the gradual change with intimacy and how there is less sex in your marriage. Yeah, it sucks as this is part of normal aging as a couple gets past the reproductive years where the intimacy and sex is driven by horomones. Both the man and woman are affected by this change. There is also an emotional shift and even feeling lost and depressed, so it definitely has an affect on one’s mental health. So this is not just a cliche, it’s a real challenge that everyone experiences. A lot of divorces take place during this period. It’s not unusual for a man to have an affair with a younger woman or divorce and look for that in hopes that will ease the discomfort he is experiencing at this age.

Yes, you worked and spent time on making a nice home and you did make accomplishments. Yet, time passed by and you are suddenly not where you imagined you would be. Well, this happens to most people. This change brings on a different way of looking at things. It’s “normal” and it’s part of our actual physical and hormonal change. We FEEL different at this age, it’s not just you being a failure.

I did not want to tell you what to do as I hear you in how that doesn’t help. Yet I feel you could benefit from understanding the metabolic changes you are experiencing that are contributing to your overall emotional confusion that is very real. You are not a failure as a human being. ❤️
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Default Sep 06, 2022 at 04:14 AM
  #3
One of the movies that lovingly touches on what I just posted is “Moonstruck”. It’s very well written with a very good cast that captured the challenges that affect us all in life in a delicate light hearted way. 😉 Good writing in that movie.
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Default Sep 10, 2022 at 05:09 PM
  #4
I've seen it but it's been awhile.

Thanks

I've just today discovered that my growing suspicion that the timing of the final collapse of our relationship was facilitated by her crush, and now developing romance.

So she gave up on us, but only because she'd found another.

So, yeah.

It's funny how fast and thoroughly love can become hate; betrayal is a heck of lubricant for that change.

I've spent the day sobbing, wrecked on the rocks of reality.

I've always believed that we'd pull through, that we'd fix our stuff, that we'd find each other again.

Now, I see that that won't happen.
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Default Sep 11, 2022 at 11:12 AM
  #5
And also how fast we can spin out.

I think that there's some truth, more than she'd be happy to admit, but my surmises are invalid.

I always thought she would be more supportive and proud of my writing.

Instead, she was just jealous, is seems.
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Default Oct 19, 2022 at 07:07 AM
  #6
Are you still here, Jack?


Yours was the first post I read here. In fact, it must have appeared in a search for terms from my own situation.
Back then, I was far too unstable to sit and compose posts. I feel for you in your situation so much.
Im also losing my home, although I'm not the one who moved out first.

It's very clear that the turn for the worse in my relationship came when we bought and moved into a house, too. Although we rented together before that for over a decade.

Her sex drive dwindled over time, for reasons I simply can't understand yet.


She was plagued by problems that I really never felt fundamentally changed our connection, and I was absolutely optimistic that she'd get through it and we'd live together for the rest of our lives. I simply didn't believe that splitting up was possible, just not physically possible. There was no effort to improve things, she simply gave it all up in one go.


I also have a terror that this whole thing is related to another person. I feel devastated when I even hear of that happening to others. I'm so sorry its happening to you. I believe my own former partner has always had an insatiable urge for attention, often from other men in the past. I was absolutely loyal every day of 15+ years.


Now she's left, the longing from earlier turned often to resentment when I started being able to see the situation more objectively.


If you're still here or getting alerts, I'd genuinely be glad to see an update on your situation and how you're feeling now.
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