Losing Friendships During Divorce

My soon to be ex-husband and I have a couple who we are friends with. I have been friends with the woman since childhood and she married my husband’s cousin so these people were our closest couple friends/family.
My husband and I had been living overseas and are moving back during the divorce. I returned first and moved into our home. He just returned last week and while he has an apartment, it isn’t furnished yet. When my husband returned my female friend immediately contacted my husband and invited him to stay with the couple in their house. Am I out of line to feel hurt and upset about this?
I would have totally understood if my ex’s cousin had made the invitation but it was my old childhood friend who did and she told me this. She has also made comments about how she plans to set my husband up with other female friends to date and when I ask her why she would say that she says I should want that because it’s best for my kids if he remarries a nice woman. While this may be true, I am hurt that one of my best friends would want to do this. I am not at the point in my breakup that I am ready to want my ex to be happy although I know it is something to strive for.
I have always thought of my friend as MY friend first and my husbands friend second. I wouldn’t feel comfortable reaching out to her husband if the situation were reversed. While I do consider her husband my friend, I feel a stronger loyalty to my friend than to him.
Am I out of line for being upset by this? Does anyone who has gone through a similar situation have any advice?

Hi @LynneBanks - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you are going through a divorce and the loss that that involves. I hear you that you want your friend to help you. That would be comforting, but unfortunately not happening. Who else might you turn to for comfort?

I lost all my friends when I went through a divorce and had to try to start a new life. It is not easy. I hope you find new hope and interest in life.

All the best to you. @CANDC

I just wanted to say that I would be hurt too in that situation. It sounds like the divorce is fairly recent (maybe not even finalized?) and your friend is already trying to set your ex up with other women. It does sound like she is being more of a friend to your ex than she is to you.

I am wondering if you have other friends you can reach out to for support.

I can completely relate to what you are feeling. I am also recently separated and in the process of getting a divorce. There are a few mutual friends who tried to contact us when we were in the phase of getting separated but our friends did not know at the time yet. My ex-husband told me that he will inform them. After that day I did not hear from those mutual friends once. I felt hurt that they did not feel the need to check on me and how I was doing. But as time is going by, I am realizing that this a part that comes with a divorce. Mutual friends are left with no choice but to pick a side. Some will pick yours, others will pick his.
All of this said & done, I think you are absolutely justified in feeling what you are feeling, particularly considering you know one of these friends since childhood. So don't be so hard on yourself. It is a natural human response.
Nonetheless, just remember that you cannot always control whose side mutual friends pick. So let things flow naturally.

I wish you all the very best. May you get the strength to deal with this difficult phase of life and come out stronger.

SushiNCorn

I think your friend is behaving completely inappropriately. Your feelings are totally understandable to me. I can't help but feeling suspicious of her motivation. My guess is that she has an appetite for weird drama. For any adult couple to want another adult to move in with them under these circumstances makes me think they're hungry for some kind of diversion in their boring lives. You might do well to quietly withdraw from contact with this friend. You don't have to call her and announce that. Just make yourself quite uninterested in conversation with her on any topic related to your divorce or ex-husband. She's making plans to orchestrate your ex's post-divorce social life?!! And she was eager to tell you that?!! No. That is not in any way normal or coming from a healthy mindset. Sounds like she is an attention seeker, likes to play with people's heads and wants to be the ring-leader of a farcical social situation. I don't have much respect for any intention your husband may have to move in with these two.

Shared childhood memories can be a powerful bond. Unfortunately, I think this is a friendship that may have run its course. I'ld encourage you to cultivate other friendships and not continue investing much in the connection you have with this gal. I'm sorry that, on top of the loss of your marriage, you also have to deal with such disappointing behavior on the part of a friend. You now have a double loss of two important relationships that have failed you. Maybe I'm drawing a big inference from a little information, but I suspect these are two people (the ex and the girlfriend) whom you may be better off not having in your future life. This is a time of pain for you, but little-by-little that will subside, and you will heal. And you will be free to pursue better, more authentic relationships. Cut this gal loose.

Your friend is so out of line it’s unbelievable. She is telling you she will find him a date? Not a good friend but also she’s stirring drama. Trying to cause havoc. Sadly the best here is to cut them off. Doesn’t need to be abrupt but just be always busy and unavailable. It’s sad but you don’t need friends like her.

Yeah that’s hurtful, I guess it’s up to you to decide what to do. Do you feel able to talk to her about your feelings after her behaviour around your husband?

Wow! I am sorry this woman you thought was a friend has invaded and disrespected your boundaries like this.

A lot of the time people genuinely don’t know what to do when friends divorce. It’s not unusual for people to distance. It doesn’t mean they are choosing sides, mostly they distance thinking it’s being respectful.

Yet there are times when a spouse will reach out and play the victim and even that can be a challenge in how to respond. It’s definitely awkward.

People we think we know can surprise us in ways that can really make us question our judgement.