Break up after 15 years. Thought it could never happen

Hello,

I've been reading this subforum for four weeks now, meaning to post my story, but my emotions swing so often that so far I've been too exhausted to.

I'm 35, and the love of my whole adult life is leaving after nearly 16 years. I felt it could never happen - what a stupid, stupid way to see another person.

We each have our problems, and she decided we can't be together if hers are going to improve. She thinks we are a bad match and bring out something strange in eachother. I understood at first. But she focuses obsessively on the negative in everything. Absolutely everything is a criticism or an attack to her. She has serious problems, but is trying to do this without help, whereas I'm scheduled to start therapy sessions.

Everything I know and care about is connected to her. My issues have mainly been social for most of my life, and because I felt so secure in our relationship, I allowed my social life to shrink to nothing, especially over the last 5 years. I will be alone.

Yet sometimes there are even good days, where I feel thrilled to plan my own future. Then other days where I can't imagine life without her, and feel so empty I know I just won't be able to live.

The night times are awful.

And the physical side of losing someone is almost unbearable. This was not some sexless marriage scenario. I feel it's hard to talk about that part.

Even when I have good days, thoughts of her future and physical jealousy are just extreme, it's one of the parts of this I wish most of all I could learn to cope with. And connected to that, wondering whether secretly this all has something to do with someone else.

I used to have nightmares, emotional ones. They were of this situation. I've even had the same nightmares since she told me we had to break up, and I've had to wake up and realise the nightmare is real. She has expressed almost no emotion since. She doesn't cry about it. I do most days, and only got through my first day without crying at work this week, four weeks in. What kind of negative thing must I have been in her life for her to be able to walk away from everything we shared with no emotion?

Now I have to sell my home. I try to find people who have been through similar things, but they are often people who have been together a few years, I just don't feel the connection I need with people who weren't together for over a decade. This isn't a divorce, but I find myself looking for divorcees to talk to for the seriousness and length of the relationships they've lost.

My main reason for posting is to say that I'm here, suffering through this, and whoever you are and whereever you are, if you're suffering through this too, then I consider you a friend.

I seem to have stopped panicking now that a month has passed, but she moves out in a few days and I'm afraid the loneliness will bring it all back.

Hi @Bortleby - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry that your relationship has hit a difficult point. That sounds like it is very rough for you.

I do not know the details of your life but you may want to consider a therapist for 2 reasons. You have someone to guide you through the process of break up and letting go and creating a new life. You also have someone to guide you in your life decisions.

I am not sure why you say you have to sell your house, but you might consider any other options if those might be feasible. The problem with selling your house is then you will not have a partner or a home. It is not easy to have everything change all at once if it can feasibliy be avoided without adverse financial effects.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time in your life. It may not seem like it now but it will get better and you will be a much stronger person because of this difficult experience.

When I read your post, I saw several similarities to my divorce that I have been going through for the past 4 months with my wife of 11 years (9 married). We have spent our adult life together. Growing from teenagers to adults together. We became best friends. We had our struggles over the years but I always tried to communicate with her and work it out. She never put in the same amount of effort. Long story short, 4 months ago she decides she doesn't want to be with me anymore and tells me she fell out of love with me. All the signs of the failing marriage were there and I saw them. Just didn't want to believe she would ever leave. She gave up trying and wants something different. She wants to go do whatever she wants whenever she wants on a whim. Those were her words. My wife also has no emotions. This entire 4 months has been a roller coaster and I haven't seen her cry since the day she said she wanted to leave. Truth is she left this marriage many years ago and I'm just now finding out. She's already been through all the pain and emotions. The emotional roller coaster you are going through right now, is normal. I experienced the same thing and now that some time has passed I'm doing better with the emotions. I had all the thoughts of jealousy of her maybe finding someone else and I still do. Imagining my wife with someone else is probably the most difficult feeling I've been dealing with recently. It's getting easier but these feelings are all normal. You will go through all of the stages of grief. There will be days where you feel like you're doing great only to be brought back into the dark hole a minute later. Do not let that dark hole consume you. This is the time in your life where you have to focus on you. Find a hobby, reach out to friends. My social circle is also very small due to pushing everyone away because I was comfortable with just my wife. It has been a huge change to lean on so many other people who you lost connection with. Do not be afraid to lean on people. Do not sit around thinking of what her future is going to be like and who she might meet. You said you are already looking into therapy. That is a huge step and a good start to focusing on you. I also feel as though my wife could use some help and she's not taking the time to process everything and figure out what she wants. It doesn't matter though. If they choose not to seek help then that is OK because it is out of our control and it doesn't matter anymore. She wants to move on and as hard as it is to accept that, you have to move on as well.

The things that have helped me the most is going to the gym, Journaling, hiking, walking, and therapy. Spending more time outdoors in nature has done so much good for me. Sitting and writing out all your feelings and thoughts in a journal will help clear your mind. Journal everyday if you can. Journaling has been so good for me to say things I should not say to her or talk about things I'm not comfortable saying to anyone else. Focus on you and try to change your perspective on the relationship. Find the positives. If you continue to work on yourself and improve yourself, and plan your future, everything else will heal with time. It's what you do during all this time that matters. Don't sit around beating yourself up. Focus on what you can control. I don't know your entire story but I hope sharing my experience will help you with yours. You are not alone in this and I can tell you from the perspective of a 11 year relationship that started right out of high school, it does get easier. You will make it through this. Keep your head up, stay strong, and focus on you.

Welcome @Bortleby
I wanted to say that you should try and keep your chin up. you are worth it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bortleby Hello, I've been reading this subforum for four weeks now, meaning to post my story, but my emotions swing so often that so far I've been too exhausted to. I'm 35, and the love of my whole adult life is leaving after nearly 16 years. I felt it could never happen - what a stupid, stupid way to see another person. We each have our problems, and she decided we can't be together if hers are going to improve. She thinks we are a bad match and bring out something strange in eachother. I understood at first. But she focuses obsessively on the negative in everything. Absolutely everything is a criticism or an attack to her. She has serious problems, but is trying to do this without help, whereas I'm scheduled to start therapy sessions. Everything I know and care about is connected to her. My issues have mainly been social for most of my life, and because I felt so secure in our relationship, I allowed my social life to shrink to nothing, especially over the last 5 years. I will be alone. Yet sometimes there are even good days, where I feel thrilled to plan my own future. Then other days where I can't imagine life without her, and feel so empty I know I just won't be able to live. The night times are awful. And the physical side of losing someone is almost unbearable. This was not some sexless marriage scenario. I feel it's hard to talk about that part. Even when I have good days, thoughts of her future and physical jealousy are just extreme, it's one of the parts of this I wish most of all I could learn to cope with. And connected to that, wondering whether secretly this all has something to do with someone else. I used to have nightmares, emotional ones. They were of this situation. I've even had the same nightmares since she told me we had to break up, and I've had to wake up and realise the nightmare is real. She has expressed almost no emotion since. She doesn't cry about it. I do most days, and only got through my first day without crying at work this week, four weeks in. What kind of negative thing must I have been in her life for her to be able to walk away from everything we shared with no emotion? Now I have to sell my home. I try to find people who have been through similar things, but they are often people who have been together a few years, I just don't feel the connection I need with people who weren't together for over a decade. This isn't a divorce, but I find myself looking for divorcees to talk to for the seriousness and length of the relationships they've lost. My main reason for posting is to say that I'm here, suffering through this, and whoever you are and whereever you are, if you're suffering through this too, then I consider you a friend. I seem to have stopped panicking now that a month has passed, but she moves out in a few days and I'm afraid the loneliness will bring it all back.

What you are experiencing is very hard on anyone emotionally. The years you are describing as living as a couple are years a person does a lot of growing and maturing. When a person is in their thirties they are in a new place, a different milestone along with a different hormonal stage as well.

The fact that you have even managed to sit down and write out what you shared is a big deal. It’s good that you found a therapist to help you. No one “just” knows how to deal with a major change like this after 15 years.

Do you have children?

Bortleby,
I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult phase.
Some of the things you mentioned are so similar to my story... I was married for 10 years, together for 12 and then suddenly I was told by my husband he did not want to be with me nor pursue counselling.
I also made the mistake of pushing away all of my circle because I was so comfortable with him and wanted to make him a priority. So his friends became my friends, his plans became my plans. One good thing that came out of this though, was that, today those friends that were "his" and I made mine, stood by me like a rock through this time. Don't hesitate to reach out to your mutual friends (even though they did not start out as "your" friends)
My ex also showed absolutely no emotion, not a single tear when we were going through this... while I was walking around with red, swollen eyes after hours and hours of crying. So I know how it feels when your heart is literally breaking over someone while they just seem zen about all of it. But remind yourself that that is not your shortcoming. Maybe they just do not have the emotional quotient that you do. And that is not your fault in any way.

I got some great advices from people on my previous posts, specially to focus on yourself. Somebody suggested signing up for various activities on Meetup. I must admit I have taken my time to act on all of those advices but I have finally signed up for a session coming Sunday. I would definitely recommend doing something like that... or just to start with an activity that you thoroughly enjoy doing. And don't beat yourself up if you cannot bring yourself to do it rightaway. Allow yourself time to process all your emotions, accept them before you can make an effort to move on. But just keep reminding yourself that that is the first step you are working towards.

In the end, remind yourself that your partner is your past (I know it is a lot easier said than done). And you cannot work on your future until you let go of the past. You owe it to yourself, nobody else.

Take care and if you ever need a listening ear, don't hesitate to contact me. I am sure we can help each other through our experiences, which are similar in so many ways.

Love & hugs
Sushi