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SushiNCorn
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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 04:36 AM
  #1
Hi All,
I am looking for some advice on things I have seen happening with me lately, where I am wondering if these are all responses to my separation and ongoing divorce.
To briefly summarize, I am currently undergoing a divorce... from a husband of a little more than 10 years. Full details in my other posts so I wont take up vital space in explaining again

For the most part, I was under the impression that I was dealing with this life change quite okay.. except for the feeling of loneliness every now & then.

But lately I have seen myself reacting in ways that are totally alien to me. Certain situations have made me act & react in ways that I have never done before, nor am I proud of now. I have lashed out at people who did not deserve it. I did & said some things after a few drinks, that I have never done in my life before (not even after drinking a lot).

And now I am wondering why am I behaving this way. It is making me despise myself for the most part. Scared of losing people that I have around me because of the way I have reacted.
I seem to take everything personally & negatively. And then spend the rest of the day despising myself.

Why is this happening? And what should I do to make sure I do not do this again.

Love,
Sushi
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TheGal
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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 01:54 PM
  #2
Sushi,

I've read some of your backstory previously and I hope you can find away to practice self-compassion.

It seems to me you are unconsciously trying to prove you are unlovable, even to yourself.

I think in a way, you are doing this because you invested so much love in the relationship and for the man in question that your world has been turned upside down based on his words that now you are trying, in a way, to prove his words to be true.

These are his shortcomings, not yours...

Please practice self-compassion... we all feel like fish out of water when a significant relationship ends... so go easy on yourself. I've done crazy stuff being newly single again and I look back and see a person who was really hurting and trying to get away from the hurt. That, too, may be happening in your case.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 01:58 PM
  #3
Loss can often result in medical depression.

There is some medical research that links excessive exposure to stress hormones to damage to parts of the brain: the hippocampi, the amygdalae and other regions.

The damage is sometimes linked to atrophy of these and other regions.

Such profound changes in brain anatomy and physiology can affect mood, motivation and contribute to a person saying and doing things that normally they would not say or do.

A visit to a licensed physician might be helpful to you.

Please do not beat yourself up mentally over things that might be caused by your suffering brain.

Are you in the care of a physician and/or psychotherapist?

Divorce can be hard on the brain. I think it can help if we are especially kind of compassionate to our brains when they are suffering. Beating them up when they are already hurt doesn't really prove helpful, at least in my experience.

I wish I knew what to say to help you. Hopefully others here will see your post today and will respond with helpful ideas.

A hurt animal might lash out at others in its pain. A hurt animal like a pet might even snap at loved ones. The compassion we feel for hurt animals is something we owe ourselves when we are hurt. If we are compassionate people, we cannot really exclude ourselves from compassion when we are hurt. What do you think?

So sorry that all these unhappy things are happening to you. It is heartbreaking.
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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 02:17 PM
  #4
Thank you so much Yaowen and TheGal for your kind & helpful responses.
I will definitely try to practice more self-love. Both of you are so right when you say that I am probably still projecting all of the hurt on myself.. and the worst part is I guess I have been doing that without realizing.

Thank you so much for helping me see through this.
Yaowen, to answer your question, I am not seeing a doctor/psychotherapist at the moment. But I think I should. I think my brain and heart are still processing emotions that are so complex that I, as a layman, cannot fully comprehend and a professional help is what is required.

Thank you both once again for being so supportive & helpful. I really cannot say it enough.

Love,
Sushi
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Default Oct 18, 2022 at 02:30 PM
  #5
(((((((((((( Sushi)))))))))))))))

Professional help sounds like a good idea...

Let us know how you get on.

Sending love and compassion to you...
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Default Oct 19, 2022 at 01:22 AM
  #6
Hello Sushi,

I have no advice, but so much sympathy for you. I'm feeling very similar things, although it's been less than two months for me. Early on, I had some very positive, hopeful days, that unfortunately now just seem to me in retrospect like some kind of shock reaction.

I started off being very open and agreeable with just about everyone as I felt my world had to expand and accept everyone since I was losing basically the only source of validation in my life.


But lately I have become unbelievably impatient, especially with family. I've been getting angry with those who are really practically helping me over small things, being very blunt with my feelings, and I've walked out of someone's home because they started to bicker in front of me. I've become intolerant of things and am extremely quick to get angry now if I'm misunderstood - even if someone just mishears me.


Speaking of things not to be proud of since the separation, I actually had a minor physical fight with someone on the day my partner left. A vandal, I still think he deserved it, but it was an insane thing to do.

Perhaps these things are a part of us trying to prove we just don't care. Of course, I do care, it's all just bitterness.

I had almost a great day yesterday, but feel really lonely and jealous again today.


I hope you and everybody reading can find some peace and balance. I suppose our lives are only very small and suffering is so basic to human beings, I try to practice not seeing life itself as very serious, but it's rare to truly feel that way. But as a temporary coping mechanism sometimes I can kid myself that life is just a silly little thing.
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