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Default Feb 17, 2023 at 09:34 AM
  #41
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I asked those questions because I wonder if you are taking on too much responsibility for things that are not your fault.
Yup that's my fixer mentality shining though ....if it's my fault then I can fix it

That's what a close friend that's known both of us for over 30 years keeps telling me . He says she is abusing me with all this and that I have been damaged, that I should file 1st . He says she's narcissistic.

I love her and I'm not ready to let go yet until there are no other options.
This is her sickness and I made a vow to stand beside her in sickness and in health, good times or bad. Isn't that what this is ??

To me that's giving up on what I most want ...my wife in my life and the dream we both shared when we got reconciled and moved here .

As for what did , years ago I became kind of an asshole when I let my anxiety get the best of me after some financial troubles, never physically but my mouth often lashed out as I didn't understand yet how to cope with my anxiety .
She wouldn't say anything about it due to her PTSD triggering a fear of being physically hurt if she spoke up as that's how her parents were. . Neither of us knew that at the time as much of what she endured was suppressed and burried and so there was no essential feedback in our communication in that way.
When we almost divorced before all of this came out .
I heard her, got help and through my therapy, I learned to cope with my stuff and she worked on her stuff and started getting more assertive and gave me feedback. It was going fantastic until the flashback during her Dr exam I meantioned previously then it all started falling apart .

According to her lately I am still critical and hurtful with my words and did not treat her well . I disagree completely yet I increased the frequency of my therapy to try to make sure as thats the last thing I want to do is hurt the woman I love .
Unfortunately it appears her damage from her past has her using transference to attach all her baggage from her childhood onto me imo. My therapist suggested this last week and it makes a lot of sense.

Lately it's stuff like
"it's not that you use hurtful words per se but the message I received is "insert whatever she thinks I'm doing or
"that made me feel like" insert whatever she wants to accuse me of.

Yet she loves to point out to me she is not responsible for my feelings if I hurt, only I am. Funny how she uses that statement like a one way street.

Her perception is often not reality and she keeps interpreting stuff in ways that they are not, connecting dots that aren't there to form conclusions based upon speculation and her thoughts in the moment.

She has PTSD/depression and has been told by her therapist that she may also have BPD.
My therapist tells me that the nature of PTSD is it lies to those plaugued with it yet she won't accept this as a valid reason for much of her feelings, better to blame the person who has loved/supported her for decades and would move the heavens to help her 😢 .

Sometimes she owns this and says she is damaged, how it's not fair to me and I deserve someone who can make me happy and give me the love I deserve .
This kills me as I want/deserve only her love . More often then though not it's back to how I'm an asshole .
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Default Feb 19, 2023 at 03:39 AM
  #42
Ptsd is a very confusing condition that even the person suffering doesn’t understand. This is not something that is your fault. Not unless you emotionally abused her. And from what you share it sounds like you faced some challenges that many face during a marriage.

Her saying she is broken is explaining how her ability to feel normal has changed. When someone develops PTSD changes take place in the brain. Some have it worse than others. Some begin using alcohol in an effort to escape the tiring symptoms. As I mentioned the use of alcohol only aggravates the ptsd adding another problem to the challenge.

Trauma can lay dormant in the brain often for years. Then a person can experience something that triggers flashbacks and fears and confusion that totally confuses the person experiencing it.

For example, years ago there was a gathering of WWII vets to honor their service. They sat and watched films of WWII that many had not seen. Many of these men had managed to come home from serving and adjust to civilian life having jobs and families and functioning normal. After these men attended this reunion they began having flashbacks and night terrors and were very confused as to why they began having all these unwanted ptsd symptoms after so many years symptom free.

Specialists do not know why so many began complaining. What happened in the brain? Men who were symptom free for 30 plus years suddenly struggling badly.

They are constantly studying ptsd and ways to help those who suffer. What the average person fails to understand is the symptoms are intrusive, a person is not choosing to experience these flashbacks.

Had I not experienced these episodes myself I too would not only not understand but would utter the very phrases that are not only no help but also contribute to added suffering. I am NOT the person I was before I developed ptsd myself.

Your wife has therapy sessions that provide her with a presence that allows her to talk things out as they surface. That doesn’t mean her condition is being cured. The best therapist I had helped me understand that when I experience a trigger causing me to have an episode that I had to learn just to wait it out. I did not hear any just ignore or let it go statements that insinuate I am responsible when that was not the case.

It’s a very tiring and frustrating challenge and the anger tends to be more about trying to manage it and the incredible amount of patience that takes.
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Default Feb 19, 2023 at 08:35 AM
  #43
You said "dying inside, both suffer, life sucks, devastated". I really feel your pain.

When I was going through separation/divorce I had similar feelings. I finally learned some valuable skills to start living an incredible life.

I'd be happy to share what I learned by giving a few of my best tips. I wish someone would have given them to me. Would that be valuable to you?
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Default Feb 20, 2023 at 05:19 PM
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You said "dying inside, both suffer, life sucks, devastated". I really feel your pain.

When I was going through separation/divorce I had similar feelings. I finally learned some valuable skills to start living an incredible life.

I'd be happy to share what I learned by giving a few of my best tips. I wish someone would have given them to me. Would that be valuable to you?

I would appreciate any advice and support you could offer.
I am still trying to make this work . I also need to prepare myself if it does not .
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Default Mar 06, 2023 at 07:45 PM
  #45
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Greetings all

I'm really in a tough place at the moment and am seeking some wisdom and support . Feeling really low .
happens. How do you get over almost 3 decades ? How do you start your life again in your mid 50s ?

Feeling lost and hopeless at the moment.
It is what I fear...but first let me say something. You get married and in a short amount of time, you are the most qualified person to advise. Matters of your wife are way out of hand when anybody has to be brought in to advise. She is your soul mate so go fight for her.

She shuts you down, however, it is on her.

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Default Mar 08, 2023 at 05:40 AM
  #46
I would love to hear your tips as well
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Default Mar 12, 2023 at 09:59 AM
  #47
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Thumbs up Mar 14, 2023 at 04:06 PM
  #48

So uou think might be what I'm dealing with?

I'm still circling the airport. The last 2 week's have been relatively tranquil but not necessarily productive.

She recently admitted that she has realized through her journaling that she has been treating me unfairly and doing some of the very things she says I used to do to her . She also says she wonders if she is a narcissist and her actions of late seem to show that . She apologized and has been much less abusive to me verbally.

She also said she has not been telling me or acknowledging the good things I have been doing of late and says she will work on that .
All of this sounds great except for the fact that she still in a conversation (after some drinks) the other night suggested that Divorce might be better for both of us . The same day she mentioned how before next winter we should do some house projects ... Confused ? I sure am .

For now I'm just going to be the best me I can be and keep swimming. I love her so very much, so I can't give up yet .
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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 04:32 PM
  #49
The decision to stay or leave the relationship is your choice. I just think it’s important to understand what you are dealing with. When’s partner has alcohol use disorder it’s not an easy road. There is more than likely underlying issues that require a professional to help the person struggling to sort through.

It’s lonely because this disease always comes first for the person.
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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 09:48 PM
  #50
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The decision to stay or leave the relationship is your choice. I just think it’s important to understand what you are dealing with. When’s partner has alcohol use disorder it’s not an easy road. There is more than likely underlying issues that require a professional to help the person struggling to sort through.

It’s lonely because this disease always comes first for the person.
At this moment I don't feel like it's my choice as I do not wish to end it .
It's really her choice and I am just going for the ride . My self esteem is pretty much non existent right now along with my confidence.

My friend of 35 years says she is manipulating me and I don't deserve this. I wish I didn't care about her so much so I could agree with him and move on, I'm just not there yet . This sucks .
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Default Mar 15, 2023 at 12:55 AM
  #51
Life can present us with things that are very difficult to navigate. ❤️
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Default Mar 15, 2023 at 05:12 AM
  #52
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Life can present us with things that are very difficult to navigate. ❤️
Yup and right now my life feels like trying to find my way thru a never ending chain of partially submerged icebergs while piloting the Titanic on a foggy night. I'm in such a low place right now.

My efforts at being the best supportive me has resulted recently in a comment of " it feels like you're putting in a last ditch effort to show me you're a nice guy "

How do I even respond to that??

Of course I have, I heard her at the beginning of all this and have been working hard on my therapy to become a better me . I have accepted fault for stuff I haven't even been doing.
I have figured out some stuff about me, I am showing growth and all she can see is deception??

She hasn't addressed her stuff she acknowledged much at all in the last few months . Her answer is "she struggles"
It must be convenient not working on her stuff while being always ready to criticize my progress and accuse it of being insincere . 😰

It just feels atm like no matter what I do she will just move the goalposts . .
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Default Mar 15, 2023 at 07:12 AM
  #53
You can’t do her work for her. And she can’t do the work she needs to while abusing alcohol
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Wink Mar 15, 2023 at 04:30 PM
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You can’t do her work for her. And she can’t do the work she needs to while abusing alcohol
I agree and at the same time what options does that leave me ?

Be depressed and lonely more often then not while holding onto hope that things will get better ? She just started going back on her meds and it will be a few weeks before the effects from those are seen. They may help her a lot as this all started back up again after she stopped taking them .

Or

End it or stop trying to save it and unravel 3 decades of the life I worked my *** off to get to this point just to have life get harder .
Our son may take her side and then I potentially loose him.from my life This will also result in severe depression for sone time that also may get better with time .
I grew up without my father in my life and it messed me up some I'm sure and it's hard not feeling if this fails that I will have become my father . That concept. really bothers me .

Sometimes I wish I woke up as a different person without all this weight on my shoulders. It's really weighing my soul down of late .
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Default Mar 16, 2023 at 11:54 AM
  #55
I’m sorry, unfortunately it sounds like your wife has two issues that make her very self absorbed. She has ptsd and abused alcohol. She may take new meds but if she continues to abuse alcohol it’s very bad.

It’s understandable you feel lonely. Are you seeing a therapist? You need something outside of this world of her to help you have your own identity and also be around others you can interact with that are more normal and healthy.
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Default Mar 16, 2023 at 12:59 PM
  #56
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Greetings all

I'm really in a tough place at the moment and am seeking some wisdom and support . Feeling really low .

My wife and I have been married for over 28 years. We had our ups and downs over the years, had a close call with a near divorce years ago mostly due to my issues and partially due to hers . We both got individual therapy reconciled/relocated and restarted our lives and today she suggested that it might be better for both of us if we divorced as she was not sure we could any longer provide each other what we needed emotionally . She explained she wants to work something out amicably without any lawyers in a way that minimally hurts either or us financially .

She says she is a wounded soul and I shouldn't have to be with someone with her struggles . I love her so very much and am happy to face those challenges. I suggested marriage counseling but she says she's not sure if she can do that and will have to give it some thought. I am far from perfect and fail at times to show the right emotional support but neither does she (which she readily admits)

I am hopeful that things can be figured out and we can save this but I am devastated and to be honest terrified about the concept of loosing who I thought was my soulmate and best friend . I am also terrified of living alone after having a partner by my side for almost 3 decades to face life's challenges with.

I don't know how I will deal with the loss of such a big part of my life or starting over both financially and emotionally if this happens. How do you get over almost 3 decades ? How do you start your life again in your mid 50s ?

Feeling lost and hopeless at the moment.
Oh yes, loneliness! I know it all too well. I ended a relationship of five years that was going nowhere, not because I wanted to but because we were two very different people. The toxicity of it exacerbated my already fragile Mental state and he had issues that he didn't want to admit to, he was totally dependent on me for his every need and at the end of it, he was so very much delusional that he believed he did it all himself. He had to go and that was that.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but sometimes things that we do not want to face and decisions that we do not want to accept are probably for the best in the long run. Surely you must have felt some burden having to carry around her emotional baggage. Its okay to admit this, we are only human at the end of the day. I don't know about you but i am using this valuable time on my own to rediscover who I really am whilst at the same time looking after myself emotionally, mentally and physically.
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Default Apr 07, 2023 at 05:32 PM
  #57
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I’m sorry, unfortunately it sounds like your wife has two issues that make her very self absorbed. She has ptsd and abused alcohol. She may take new meds but if she continues to abuse alcohol it’s very bad.

It’s understandable you feel lonely. Are you seeing a therapist? You need something outside of this world of her to help you have your own identity and also be around others you can interact with that are more normal and healthy.
Yes I talk to someone weekly and it helps but you are right, I do need something outside my world of her and be around others who are more healthy.
I am going to look into some activities outside the home and perhaps join some groups/clubs that do that activity.
I live in a very rural area and we moved away from all my older friends and contacts though I keep in touch on the phone. My good friend of almost 40 years keeps telling me it's not me, it's her and I need to rip the band-aid off but I can't bring myself to give up. He insists she is a narcissist and that if I don't there will be nothing left in my heart/soul . He might be right but I cling to hope. He says even if this works out this time she will just loose it again down the road and that I deserve better, someone who isn't damaged. Am I just so desperate that I can't see things for what they are ?

I still love her so very much and overall our communication is far better then it was 4 months ago . She often now talks of how WE need to do this to the house or WE should go here in the summer which is water for my parched soul .
To me this is a sign of things getting better but then some days it's back to freezing cold emotionally, not hurtful just nothing .
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Default Apr 07, 2023 at 05:57 PM
  #58
Noticed you following another thread and my concern is that while there are similarities I don’t think your wife has the same base issues. That being said her increase in using alcohol will add more mood problems and aggravate the ptsd. It also hinders her healing and slowly learning how to manage the ptsd.
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Default Apr 07, 2023 at 07:01 PM
  #59
Self medicating with alcohol only makes any mental health issue worse. In fact it also makes a personality disorder even more toxic.

Alcohol abuse disorder affects the part of the brain that monitors ones own actions and how these actions and behaviors affect others. Alcoholics get good at faking that they care, but they don’t care and are just looking for a following or ways to draw attention to themselves. Individuals with ptsd don’t typically practice this. Instead it’s those that have an underlying personality disorder that are more attention seeking and are drama addicted.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 07, 2023 at 07:36 PM..
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Default Apr 09, 2023 at 08:33 AM
  #60
Hey Mr sadmanagain........ I understand and can ID with all that you feel emotionally. I went through a similar situation a few times with who I thought was my soulmate but actually was just another human being. You can live with someone 50 years and still not really know them. I just want to say 1 thing. If your wife's an alcoholic she should be in rehab. There's no talking sense into an active alcoholic. Your just wasting your time. And you " sound" very frightened of entering the world alone and having to fend for yourself. It is scary but you can do it in time. Your wife's ptsd is not your problem. SHE has to work through that herself. I don't mean to come off cold but the reality of the situation has to be discussed. Hopefully in separate and couples therapy.
Someone earlier said " listen" ........I think that was a direct message to you because you ask for help and advice but you don't seem to listen because you keep bringing up the same things over and over again seemingly disregarding good advice.
Best of luck to you.....

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