Feeling alone

@Sadmanagsin you have been quiet, how are things going?

Well I don't have to wonder anymore about how this is going to go .

She has retained an attorney and has filed for Divorce 😰. She says she knows she can't make me happy because she is broken and her issues are too much.
She says that it's not fair to me and I deserve someone who can make me happy . Shouldn't she has asked me if this would help my happiness before doing this and saying that ?
She says she just wants to be alone so she doesn't expose others to her issues . This hurts so badly right now , even though I knew it was a strong possibility.

What a mess, now I don't have a choice on what I'm doing . I need to focus on building my new life . Time to try to start following the advice I haven't wanted to hear .

So step one, I am going to start looking for a new house I suppose as she has suggested staying in this one and offering me a favorable settlement to help me get started . I could buy her out but I don't think I want to live in the house full of her ghosts and I think it'll be best if I start fresh .

In my last session I could barely speak without falling apart and crying, I just couldn't stop .
My therapist told me something and suggested I need to remind myself of it often for now .

"Your relationship has changed because she can't love you the way you need to be loved anymore "
I've been trying to use it like a mantra when ever I break down and loose all my composure and randomly start crying which happens all too often the last few days . Grief bursts I think .

I'm such a mess a the moment

I’m sorry sadmanagain. Given what you have shared I think it’s better for your mental health to not have to live your life with someone who’s mental health prevents them from being an active caring partner.

It’s normal to need time to mourn this. However, in the long term it will give you a chance to heal and slowly regain your sense of self so maybe down the road you may meet someone you can actually do things with and enjoy your life again.

Checking in

Tomorrow I consult with my attorney and figure out how this goes forward. I am so dreading this as it makes this all too real.

I have so many conflicting feelings right now .

I hear that she knows she is damaged from her childhood trauma and I feel for her in this regard because I know it's real .

I know more then I wish about what she went through and it's amazing she's still alive .

When we first met she knew bad things had happened to her but almost all of it was suppressed. When a flashback opened that door about 10 years ago and as she has been trying to heal through her therapy it kept revealing more demons and she became more and more distant and damaged .
She claims this is all so she can focus on her mental health and try to fix herself and that it's unfair to me to have to carry her trauma and how I deserve to be with someone who isn't broken .

The way she says it is like she's doing me a favor except for the fact I've been there through all of this and I only want to be there for her . Isn't that what a good partner does ?

So to try heal herself she destroys me emotionally?? This is such a mindf*ck

On the money stuff she is offering a settlement that gives me a bigger share so I can more easily afford to start over...she wants no support or alimony and wants none of my assets . I realize this is not how this usually goes and we will end up in an uncontested divorce.

Perhaps I'm not able to appreciate this because to me the emotional hurt dwarfs any monetary aspects of this, at least in my mind currently.

She was/is my everything and I'm still very much in shock , im looking for another house as we speak because I have to . I need to survive this if for no other reason then to say she didn't actually destroy me but at the moment it's hard to care about anything. I'm forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to go to work when all I want to do is just decend into the darkness.

All I keep asking myself is Who am I ?
What value to I have ? What is my purpose in life ? Why should I bother with anything when the person I felt was like a part of me is casting me out . Not in a good place ATM .

Talking to my therapist tonight which is good .

I'm so sorry, sadmanagain.

My heart hurts reading your post.

I will be thinking about you and sending thoughts your way.

((((HUGS))))

From what you have shared sandman, she is really struggling and doesn’t see how she can have a normal relationship. Ptsd can get so crippling and confusing and it ruins relationships because of how intrusive it is. I can get so crippling a person withdraws and isolates themselves in an effort not to experience a crippling trigger that can take all day away and the person just learns they have to be patient until it passes.

This is not a rejection or that you are a failure. A person doesn’t choose to develop ptsd just as they did not choose to so badly abused and repeatedly traumatized.

I think your wife is actually considering your well being. When someone is suffering badly from ptsd they can’t tell anyone when they will heal. All someone suffering can do is focus on understanding and working on the crippling symptoms of the ptsd.

Thank you, appreciate the support.

This feels so much like a betrayal which makes me feel like I never really knew her at all .
If I didn't know her at all after 30 years together then I question everything I know about myself and my perception of others . Feeling really lost right about now.

That’s how it feels to the person struggling. They hate to hear “you are a survivor” because they relive it with the ptsd.

It sucks that my well being involves hurting me so badly .

Not sure if I understand the comparison, can you elaborate?

It’s bad enough that she experienced so much abuse. Something triggered her to start experiencing things from her past that cause es her to relive things in flashbacks both visual and emotional. Could be certain smells, certain environments and certain tones people present when they communicate.

It is just awful and cannget very debilitating.

I feel for her situation, I really do lots of compassion for her as I love her still .

At the same time ....What about me ? Who has compassion for me ?

Not my wife as she is the one hurting the very person who offers her the most compassion who cares more about her then anyone in the world.

Because of her PTSD that I did not cause , PTSD that popped out of her suppressed memories that did not exist during the first 20 years of our relationship .
Because of that almost everything in my life that meant anything to me is being taken from me . It's not right.

To try to fix her mental health she is delivering a just about fatal blow to mine? Sounds beyond selfish to me .
Something I would never do to her .

The feelings of me being a failure that go with it feels like they will haunt me forever.

I am so very hurt .

Oh sadman, it really isn't fair. You gave so much and deserve just as much in return- maybe more.

Take care of yourself if no one else will or can.

Sending you a big old cyber(((((hug))))

I’m sorry, unfortunately this mental health challenge causes a lot of damage to both the sufferer and those who love and care about them.

It’s still being studied in hopes to find medications that can reduce the crippling symptoms.

The ptsd is bad enough adding in the abuse of alcohol adds further complicates as alcohol makes any mental health challenge worse.

I sure can vouch for it damaging the people that love and care about her. What bothers me the most is how easily she can turn her back on me ...She claims it's not easy and that it's killing her also . She likes to say " I wish you would believe me when I say this is hurting me also because it is , it's killing me to know I'm hurting you so badly...."

Pretty hollow words from the person who just pulled the trigger on 30 years
The gun is still smoking while she says that . My therapist says I should respond to stuff like that with ..." I can't worry about your feelings anymore and I don't wish to discuss this further"
Of course I'm too weak to say that ATM as it's all I can do to get through my day .

@sadmanagain unfortunately the affects of traumas can lay dormant for many years until something triggers it. It is not really understood why that happens.

Your therapist’s advice speaks for himself, if that is not in your nature then don’t react that way. You don’t have to be cold or cruel. You can be angry and feel betrayed and devastated but you don’t need to be cold and cruel.

I couldn't say that to her as it's just not me despite everything I still love her . I understand that now it's not weak just ****** as she has no qualms doing this to me and us. Still hurts badly but at least I'll be moving into a new house of my own. Trying to focus on a positive