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Default Apr 29, 2023 at 05:48 AM
  #141
Another awful evening, this is so draining, I went to bed 3 hours early I was so defeated and depressed.

I have come to a conclusion, which I believe fits this scenario. I need to accept that she isn't the image of her that's in my mind which is built from 30 years of wonderful memories. I want her to be but she is not .

She is a damaged person who is now a stranger who looks like the woman I love .
This is so unfair, it's not how it was supposed to be. It's going to take me a long time to heal .

My relationship has changed because she can't love me the way I need to be loved anymore.....

I wish something could give me the strength to endure this and come out the other side healed and ok . I am so lost and I need to find myself.
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Default Apr 29, 2023 at 07:32 PM
  #142
Hugs to you.

I feel very lost as well. Most days I don't feel like I have a future, and that scares the heck out of me. Once DD has grown enough to be independent, I fear I will become obsolete, as she is my main focus at this point.

The person, my mate, who was here, who was supposed to continue to be here, who I was going to keep having adventures with throughout life, disappeared somewhere along the way. Physically, he's still here, but my friend isn't here in a meaningful way anymore, I don't feel like there's much to look forward to. Even if he changed back, there's a lot of water under the bridge that makes things different now. That would be better, but still... you know.

I try not to think about it too much.

Life has a weird way of taking you where you need to go. One day at a time.

OTOH we're free in some very big ways too. We can redefine ourselves. Grow into ourselves. Again, one day at a time.

Emotional pain sucks.

FWIW, I think your bowling score is pretty good. It will be fun to see how you do as you do more of it. Most of my games don't make it out of the double digits. Been a long time since I've bowled though. Still love it.

Thinking of you sadmanagain. Hope you've had a decent weekend.
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Default Apr 29, 2023 at 10:52 PM
  #143
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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 View Post
Hugs to you.

I feel very lost as well. Most days I don't feel like I have a future, and that scares the heck out of me. Once DD has grown enough to be independent, I fear I will become obsolete, as she is my main focus at this point.

The person, my mate, who was here, who was supposed to continue to be here, who I was going to keep having adventures with throughout life, disappeared somewhere along the way. Physically, he's still here, but my friend isn't here in a meaningful way anymore, I don't feel like there's much to look forward to. Even if he changed back, there's a lot of water under the bridge that makes things different now. That would be better, but still... you know.

I try not to think about it too much.

Life has a weird way of taking you where you need to go. One day at a time.

OTOH we're free in some very big ways too. We can redefine ourselves. Grow into ourselves. Again, one day at a time.

Emotional pain sucks.

FWIW, I think your bowling score is pretty good. It will be fun to see how you do as you do more of it. Most of my games don't make it out of the double digits. Been a long time since I've bowled though. Still love it.

Thinking of you sadmanagain. Hope you've had a decent weekend.
Heya and Hugs back to you, I really appreciate the support. It helps me get through my day when I'm really low.

Thank you for sharing your perspective
and the feelings you are dealing with. I am so sorry for what is happening to you . You sound like such a kind,caring person, I can't imagine how anyone could do that to you . It's good you have DD to focus on for the here and now.
My son is 22 and hopefully he visits often as he is my only family within 250 miles and without him I'm truly alone. I am terrified I will lose him to this as well.

I too question if I have a future often or at least struggle with what's the point of anything now ? At the moment I'm just going through the motions out of habit but I feel so very alone so often. It sucks

You are right, we are free to redefine ourselves and grow into ourselves.

That concept terrifies me how do I start to do that. The only future I had planned/dreamed of had the woman I shared 3 decades with in it The one who promised to stay by my side for the rest of her life . It was love at first sight and now she is dissolving us. This emotional pain sucks for sure.

As for my weekend, I've working all weekend (probably a good thing to stay busy) as we are changing schedules here on the mountain , closing up winter operations and switching spring summer operations.. After Monday I get a week off . I really like my job and my coworkers are awesome .

I'll definitely keep you updated on my bowling. Sounds like you should go again if you haven't in a while as you like it and it's good for both of us to do things for us that we enjoy. Perhaps we can compare scores .

Hope your weekend is going well also .
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Default Apr 30, 2023 at 10:38 AM
  #144
Thank you for your kind words in return. On here I can be a little more gooey and vulnerable, IRL I'm little more armor plated. Out of necessity.

I also fear that at some point, DD will get sick of the dynamic and just go. She may need to do that at some point anyway, in which case, not really sure. Maybe I'll get a dog? Find volunteer or other work?

Do you have a good relationship with your son? Does he have any feelings about what's going on, or is he removed from it all? With the whole dynamic changing, maybe your relationship with him can get stronger?

In codependency work, you're supposed to ask yourself what it is you want. And all too often, a codependent just focuses on what they think the other person wants or needs. When you haven't focused on yourself much, it is really hard to get in the habit of figuring out what it is you want. When you've spent a lot of time thinking as part of a pair, it's hard to shift over to a 'me' way of thinking. I've been working on it for 1.5 years now and still not successful at times. Accept that it's a slow process? It took thirty years to get here, it may take a while to get out. One day at a time...?

Don't know what kind of work you do, but it sounds interesting. Does that mean you are outside a lot? At least you have a job you like. That's got to account for something.

I've been around good mountains much of my life and nothing makes me happier than looking out at them (from the valleys where I've lived). Sometimes I sit at DD's school while waiting for her and just stare at the mountains all around. Think about driving off over them and never coming back .

Got any plans for your week off? Do something good for yourself. Something fun.

Maybe sometime I'll go bowling again. No bowling alleys close to home though. In the past I've been a pretty good Nintendo Wii bowler .

Last edited by ArmorPlate108; Apr 30, 2023 at 11:46 AM..
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Default Apr 30, 2023 at 07:41 PM
  #145
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Thank you for your kind words in return. On here I can be a little more gooey and vulnerable, IRL I'm little more armor plated. Out of necessity.

I also fear that at some point, DD will get sick of the dynamic and just go. She may need to do that at some point anyway, in which case, not really sure. Maybe I'll get a dog? Find volunteer or other work?

Do you have a good relationship with your son? Does he have any feelings about what's going on, or is he removed from it all? With the whole dynamic changing, maybe your relationship with him can get stronger?

In codependency work, you're supposed to ask yourself what it is you want. And all too often, a codependent just focuses on what they think the other person wants or needs. When you haven't focused on yourself much, it is really hard to get in the habit of figuring out what it is you want. When you've spent a lot of time thinking as part of a pair, it's hard to shift over to a 'me' way of thinking. I've been working on it for 1.5 years now and still not successful at times. Accept that it's a slow process? It took thirty years to get here, it may take a while to get out. One day at a time...?

Don't know what kind of work you do, but it sounds interesting. Does that mean you are outside a lot? At least you have a job you like. That's got to account for something.

I've been around good mountains much of my life and nothing makes me happier than looking out at them (from the valleys where I've lived). Sometimes I sit at DD's school while waiting for her and just stare at the mountains all around. Think about driving off over them and never coming back .

Got any plans for your week off? Do something good for yourself. Something fun.

Maybe sometime I'll go bowling again. No bowling alleys close to home though. In the past I've been a pretty good Nintendo Wii bowler .
Hello and thank you for the encouraging supportive words.

Dogs are indeed good emotional support friends who give unconditional love to their owners and that sounds like a great idea for you . DD will probably love the dog also and that may help keep her coming around. Once I am settled in my new house I was thinking about getting one also

As for my relationship with my son, I talked some with him the other day . He said he is staying as far out of this situation as possible. I told him I don't blame you son, I wish this wasn't happening and I have done all I can.
Your Mom is determined to do this so there is nothing I can do. I emphasized how this is NOT his fault and that I love him very much ( I tried not to but I started crying while saying this). I told him that there will always be a room available at MY house and I would love to see him on a weekly basis. I told him the new house is only 16 miles away so it shouldn't be tough for us to stay close . I hugged him and he hugged me back, a good tight squeezing hug and boy did it feel amazing. I haven't gotten a hug like that with feeling in months.

As for my week off, you are right I NEED to do something good for me at least one of the days I need to devote to me having fun as I will need to spend a day or 2 starting to sort pack up my belongings.
I plan to start with the garage as a lot of my stuff is in there. I dread this much for the same reason I haven't slept in my new bed yet . It will make the denial of what's happening go away and I'll have to accept this IS happening.

I hear you about it taking me 30 years to get where I am and how i need to take it one day at a time but I don't even know where to start thinking for ME and not WE . Any suggestions on how to begin trying to wrap my brain around that concept ? How did you start on that if you don't mind me asking ?

Cool on the Wii bowling thing. I don't have that system anymore, can you bowl with others online ?
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Default May 01, 2023 at 10:34 PM
  #146
Positive for the day>>>> New house appraisal came in for more then I'm paying for the house and the house was appraised as having an effective age of 15 years . Not bad for a 60 year old house . It has been well maintained and built strong and sturdy. It will be a good place to start my life over in and figure out who I am and what I want from life.

Negative for today>>> I need to go out to buy moving boxes tomorrow and start packing up my life
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Default May 02, 2023 at 11:47 AM
  #147
The house sounds really good! Congrats on getting a good deal.

How long until you move into the new house?

I'll be with you in spirit as you pack your boxes....

Had a couple of moving forward thoughts to share and thought to post them here in case someone else can find them useful. Hope you don't mind.

10 Ways To Create Order In Your Life

This is a link to an article about priorities that I found very helpful. #5 was a good revelation for me. That priorities aren't about hopes or wants or even goals, but about concrete needs that one has to focus on in order to change their circumstances.

Also, a few years ago I read a brief essay by an old zen-type master. This is paraphrased, but you'll get the idea:

When you don't know what else to do, sweep. (Or do some other mindless, mundane work). It's soothing, gives your mind space to wander and solve problems, and if you haven't figured out what you need to figure out by the time you are done, at least your steps/walk/house is cleaner for the effort.

And it does work sometimes

Hope it's a good one for everybody.
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Default May 03, 2023 at 07:03 PM
  #148
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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 View Post
The house sounds really good! Congrats on getting a good deal.

How long until you move into the new house?

I'll be with you in spirit as you pack your boxes....

Had a couple of moving forward thoughts to share and thought to post them here in case someone else can find them useful. Hope you don't mind.

10 Ways To Create Order In Your Life

This is a link to an article about priorities that I found very helpful. #5 was a good revelation for me. That priorities aren't about hopes or wants or even goals, but about concrete needs that one has to focus on in order to change their circumstances.

Also, a few years ago I read a brief essay by an old zen-type master. This is paraphrased, but you'll get the idea:

When you don't know what else to do, sweep. (Or do some other mindless, mundane work). It's soothing, gives your mind space to wander and solve problems, and if you haven't figured out what you need to figure out by the time you are done, at least your steps/walk/house is cleaner for the effort.

And it does work sometimes

Hope it's a good one for everybody.
Thank you for the upcoming spiritual assistance. It's gonna be tough starting packing but I have to start this week.

Thanks you for the Zen wisdom as well, I like the concept . I'll check out the priorities article link and thanks again for caring about my situation.
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Default May 07, 2023 at 02:45 PM
  #149
@sadmanagain I copied this from an article I read. I only have my old cell to use so I am not the greatest at copy and paste with it.

————————————————————————————————-——————————————-
Also, after talking with Heather more about her symptoms, I found out that she suffers from PTSD and takes several mental health medications to manage the PTSD and alcohol withdrawal symptoms. PTSD causes serious emotional pain, and many opt to use alcohol to numb the pain, only to cause worsening physical and mental health issues. One study shows that people with PTSD are 54.5% more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder.
Heather’s story could be similar to many others out there. What’s important to note, however, is that combining mental health medications with alcohol not only decreases their effect but increases the damage to certain organs. This means that Heather’s PTSD symptoms are likely not getting the benefit from her medications, but also combining her medications with alcohol may be making her physically sicker.
Even without combining alcohol with medications, the damage that alcohol does to our body is well-known yet not talked about enough. Heather tells me she’s worried about the health of her liver, considering her symptoms. She says she’s had a few test results that show high liver enzymes — a hallmark of liver inflammation and the first sign of liver damage. Indeed, some of her symptoms are on par with the beginning signs of alcoholic liver issues.
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Default May 31, 2023 at 10:53 AM
  #150
@sadmanagain how are you doing?
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Default Jun 10, 2023 at 07:18 PM
  #151
@sadmanagain
I was in a toxic relationship for a while that landed me in Psych ward twice... She would date with me about 3 weeks to a month then go with her ex-husband a few days, then get back with me... It was really bad...
I hope you figure things out...
Never ever give up!

be good to yourself!

Love and Light.

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Default Jun 13, 2023 at 10:59 AM
  #152
Heya all checking in.

So it's over, the divorce is finalized. I am processing a lot right now. We both also signed a no appeal clause. I bought myself another house and am all moved in. Ill be unpacking for a while.

The whole thing kills me and yet at the same time this has helped me to realize that much of what was going on was not ok. I don't wish to throw any mud so I'm going to say that it's sad this went the way it did.

I tried and did everything I could, Most of her struggles have nothing to do with me and I can not fix them. It's sad but I have to start thinking about me now, so that is what I will try to do now.

It's going to be a long road BUT I think but my situation could be a lot worse. I got a house near my job, I know many folks in divorce are not so lucky. So I count my blessings. One day at a time.
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Default Jun 13, 2023 at 11:39 AM
  #153
Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let go because the person is just not capable of having a normal relationship. From what you shared your wife got so badly triggered that she began suffering confusing and debilitating ptsd symptoms.

I hope your wife gets the right help and realizes that consuming alcohol will only make things worse.
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