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aBarryManilowSong
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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 04:19 PM
  #1
I posted about a month ago. My whole relationship history (sorry folks, it was very therapeutic for me though). I am nearing the end of my second marriage. April will be our 5 year anniversary but may be the day we file.
A recap, my first love whom I was with 25 years and had 2 kids with cheated on me and we spent years trying to reconcile but unfortunately he really wasn't wanting to. Divorce #1 final April 6 20xx.
Hubby # 2 has a gambling addiction that has been here our whole relationship, but I didn't really understand how bad it was. Nevertheless I have been beyond patient and paid off so much of his debt.
Even given my history of being cheated on, I never had a problem with him chatting with his ex wife for the first 3 years, but I noticed how frequent the chats were and how they called each other their "best friend". I felt like chopped liver.
So 2 years ago I asked him to stop contacting her and he got annoyed and accused me of not letting him have friends. I kept at it, but didn't give an ultimatum until just over a year ago.
I told him then if he ever talked to her again that meant we had to be done.
Well, right after Thanksgiving I saw on our phone bill about a hundred texts to an unfamiliar number. I asked him and very snotty he agreed it was her and that I just was preventing him from having friends.
In the next 8 hours, there were many texts between us, none of them pleasant. He was an *** about it so I said he would need to leave.
In the end, after he got home and lived in the shed for 2 days, I decided to allow him back in the house.

Why? I have a lot of anxiety and was not able to cope. He had settled down by then and seemed apologetic. I didn't want to ruin Christmas for me and my kids with sadness so I decided to put that problem off until after the holidays.
The hope was that hubby would realize his great, undying, complete devotion to me (haha) and treat me like someone he was afraid of losing.
Well, it wasn't happening. Simple things like returning my occasional texts (he wouldn't), or spending time with me instead of the man cave. He was always grumpy. Never helped with anything I hadn't asked for, and was pissed about things I did ask for.
Anyway, I told him of these easy missed opportunities to score points. I told him the keys to my heart. I gently nudged him to make things up to me since he essentially chose his ex over me.
But he hasn't.
So last Sunday, I talked to him and said that I needed words. I said I already knew the answer because he was SHOUTING it at me without words, but I needed him to say it.
I asked if he still wanted to try.
His reply? He thinks about being on his own and trying to solve his gambling issues on his own. We talked about how he seems to prefer the hermit life.

My heart is broken again. He really doesn't know what he wants and wants time to think. I want time to pay off some bills. So it isn't a rush.
But it kills me to see him.
I am torn because I wonder what is wrong with me that 2 men ditched me. My mother did too.
Then I think of his many flaws and how few things he has that are good for me. How many things I tolerate just to not be alone.
I am a truly kind and good hearted person and I don't deserve being treated badly.
But I am hurting so much I feel I may drown in it.
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Yaowen
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Default Jan 20, 2023 at 11:54 AM
  #2
I am so sorry you are suffering. You have been through so much.

None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect Infinite beings. We do the best we can given everything influencing us moment to moment.

Sometimes when we are feeling low, we put ourselves on trial. We have a judge and jury and prosecutor, but we deny ourselves a defense attorney. Such a trial can never be fair . . . not to us . . . and not to fairness itself.

You have been a good wife. You have done the best you could given the circumstances and everything influencing you moment to moment. That is all any person can do. Love and relationships can be messy. And sometimes our "ideals" about how a relationship should be can be unrealistic.

Often we beat ourselves up with these unrealistic ideals when it would be better to beat up the unrealistic ideals!
Ideals are good when they encourage us and draw us gently. But when ideals are beating us up, it is time to consider whether perhaps they are unrealistic for real live human beings.

We all could be better than we are. But is also true that we could be worse and we are not worse.

When we are in a low mood is not the time to try to try to evaluate ourselves and our lives. Too many negative emotions cloud our judgement and we lose the big picture.

It seems clear you husbands have had serious problems and issues. You did not cause those. And it sounds to me like you bore those burdens with exceptional tolerance and love.

I'd bet anything that if one was to look at your entire life from the moment you were born until now one would find that you have done thousands and thousands of big and little acts of bravery, of intelligence, of kindness and of beauty.

Feeling low can blind you to those thousands of things. When we are feeling low we can say: "Those things don't count." But perhaps they don't count because we become blind to them and don't count them. They do count!

Sometimes a therapist can help a person who is caught in a negative repeating cycle of automatic thoughts and feelings. If one gets depressed sometimes medication can help.

I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you. Unfortunately I am just a fellow sufferer.

You are certainly a person to be admired and treasured.
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aBarryManilowSong
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Smile Jan 21, 2023 at 06:27 AM
  #3
Thank you Yaowen for the long, intelligent and thoughtful response.
Yes. You are right on all counts. I am hard on myself and have a very high moral code for myself. Yet, I have been in counseling many years, I am on meds, and I have absorbed every lesson I can from failed marriages. I aim to continually improve.
Overall, those near me do not get to see the grief I expressed here. They would be shocked. I am always happy and kind. And genuine. Seems contradictory, but it isn't. I can be happy and grieve also.
I have been a good wife, loyal, faithful, loving, giving.
I know I will survive. I did survive losing my first marriage. That was much harder than this one.
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