advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
midfieldace
Newly Joined
midfieldace has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2023
Location: Chester
Posts: 1
1 yr Member
Default Jan 18, 2023 at 06:54 PM
  #1
I am a 55 year old man. I have been married for 26 years. I have three children, the youngest being 20 years old.

Basically I am in a loveless marriage. We live like we are two separate people living in the same house. I fell out of love with my wife many years ago. There has been no intimacy in a long time. The last time, and the times before it have always been me to instigate any intimacy, including love making, and then it has been like making love to a pillow, there is no attempt to reciprocate. I could probably go as far to say it has always been me to instigate any intimacy, even when we were first married.

My wife, on a three or four occasions, when we have had a disagreement, has turned around and said to me “Shall we divorce”. The arguments have been trivial disagreements and it hurt that she could say that for such small matters. However, I am from a broken home as my dad left me when I was only 5 years old and I always vowed to never divorce and put my own kids through the same pain I went through from not having dad in my life (my mother never remarried). For that reason I would back down from the arguments so as not to take a chance that my wife would go through with the threat. That was probably a mistake on my behalf. She became the dominant power in the marriage with the threat of divorce so she had that power over me. To be fair, I would mention that she may have said it in anger, but nevertheless it affected me that a remark can be made so easily.

Now I am at a point in my life where I need to move on. I will admit that I am scared of telling my wife I want a divorce because (a) I don't want to hurt her feelings, and (b) I don't want to go through the hurt feelings myself. Just reaching out for some advice/suggestions/support.
midfieldace is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TheGal, unaluna
 
Thanks for this!
moodyblue83, sadmanagain, Skeezyks

advertisement
Skeezyks
Disreputable Old Troll
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: The Star of the North
Posts: 32,762 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
17.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Jan 19, 2023 at 02:50 PM
  #2
Hello midfieldace: I'm sorry I don't think there is any advice or suggestions I'm going to be able to offer. (Hopefully there will be other members who will have some they can share.) In the meantime, however, I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. So... welcome to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.

__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
aBarryManilowSong
Junior Member
 
aBarryManilowSong's Avatar
aBarryManilowSong has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2022
Location: Oregon
Posts: 10
1 yr Member
4 hugs
given
Default Jan 19, 2023 at 09:41 PM
  #3
I won't speak for what you can or should do. I do have a somewhat similar story in some ways.
26 years is a long time to be married and it is so difficult to fathom life any other way. I, myself, was a couple with my first husband 25 years (married 17+).
I didn't want the divorce. I understand the desire to keep things together when you grow up in a broken home and are afraid of the havoc your kids will endure.
I have now been with hubby 2 nearly 5 years and he is already seeming to prefer to be alone. We are on the verge of divorce.
What I can say is that I understand the complications here that you are going through.
And I know how it feels to be in a loveless relationship. I think it may be more painful to be in loveless love than be alone. I have done both.
I would have a serious talk with your wife. Tell her these things. Get her thoughts.
If she wants counseling, consider it- you owe the situation that since you invested so much of your heart and soul in it.
If she wants out, there is your answer.
Being honest about these feelings is only putting words to the atmosphere that already exists there, so while you are afraid of hurting her with words, silence is just as powerful and speaks volumes.
Hugs to you.
aBarryManilowSong is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
moodyblue83
LifeSupport
Junior Member
LifeSupport has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2022
Location: House
Posts: 11
1 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Jan 25, 2023 at 02:16 PM
  #4
Are you working still? Is your wife working? Do any of your children live at home?
LifeSupport is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
sadmanagain
Member
 
sadmanagain's Avatar
sadmanagain has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2022
Location: somewhere
Posts: 87
1 yr Member
123 hugs
given
Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:44 PM
  #5
Heya, I'm a 53 year old man who has been married for almost 30 years and I am in a similar situation as you.
My wife who struggles with PTSD from childhood traumas and who has been self medicating with alcohol has suggested divorce like it's the cure for everything but we are giving it a few months to see if we(she) wishes to work things out .
She also has been showing less affection and warmth for over a year now .
I love her very much still and never wanted to divorce but I'm getting tired of feeling like it's all my fault when I am starting to realize it's not and this leaves me feeling very confused

I also had my father abandon me when I was very young (3) and feel that marriage is something worth fighting for . Our one son is 20 and he also struggles with stuff and I don't want him to suffer and feel the way I felt when my father left .
I struggle with the way this makes me feel so worthless and depressed.
I don't have much advice as I'm still not even sure which way this will work out as it changes daily in terms of her interaction with me . Good days and bad ones .

I just wanted you to know you're not alone in your situation and want to offer you some support for what you're going through if you ever wish to vent feel free to message me .
sadmanagain is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TheGal
 
Thanks for this!
moodyblue83, TheGal
TheGal
Grand Member
TheGal has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 895
1 yr Member
547 hugs
given
Default Jan 27, 2023 at 11:01 PM
  #6
Sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

You said your wife was dominant, so chances are she's going to want to take your shirt and then some in a divorce.

I would consult a good lawyer before making any overtures of divorce to her.

You need to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for doing so.
TheGal is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
moodyblue83
moodyblue83
Member
moodyblue83 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 221
2 yr Member
31 hugs
given
Default Jan 29, 2023 at 05:17 AM
  #7
midfieldace.......At 55 you still got some good years ahead of you. Luckily your children are all grown up. They might better understand now than if they were younger.
You say that there has been no intimacy for a long time but that YOU fell out of love with her many years ago. Do you think she doesn't feel that ? What can you expect ? Also if you were the one to always instigate intimacy, even from the beginning of the marriage, that should have been a hint of how she felt about intimacy and things to come.
She surprised you by seemingly mentioning divorcing, off the cuff several times after an argument or disagreement. And yes , if you live in the U.S. she does have the upper hand in a divorce court. Depending on many different factors of course.
But your vow to stay the course because of YOUR parents divorcing usually doesn't carry water. They can feel the tension and may feel different than what you may think.
Lastly you say your ready to move on. It seems like both of you would agree to a divorce, being honest and open about it.
As far as hurting her feelings, I wouldn't worry so much about that because that sentiment may not be reciprocated.
Best to you , ( and start looking for a good lawyer ).

__________________
Trying to Live in the Moment
moodyblue83 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
TheGal
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:26 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.