Telling my daughter I don’t want to see her Mom

So I have a teenage daughter and she is graduating. She truly is a wonderful person. Her Mother divorced me a year ago. I know I have to buck up and go to all of these events where I am going to see her Mom and I can do that but I believe my girl thinks I will want to sit next to her Mom, that I will want to attend a party with her Mom there. I know I have to do those things but it is killing me inside because I miss my family so very much. I miss her Mom so very much.

Do I suck it up as a Dad and just deal with it and deal with the emotional fallout when I am alone or do I tell my girl, I love you and I am so proud of you and I will be there to celebrate you but honey…. What do I say? I know it is not good for me in any way to see my ex much less engage with her. I know what it will do to me. I know I need to step up and focus on my kid but I just don’t know how to do this. The hurt is still like an open wound. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Wow, that's a tough question. Seems like anything you do has down sides.

Since I suffer from mental illness I have to do unpopular things so I don't end up back in a mental hospital. It's hard with family stuff though. Not sure what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and respond with something really helpful.

We do what we can do given everything influencing us moment by moment. Some things we simply cannot do. My heart goes out to you. So very sorry I am unable to be helpful to you in this.

You are very kind. Thank you

I know how you feel. It’s hard

Sometimes we have to suck it up and deal with exes at events. Is it comfortable? Usually not at all.

I’d say that you have to attend an event but you don’t have to sit with mom at all. Even if you have no issues with mom, sitting together isn’t required. Neither is attending parties. Could you talk to your daughter that you want to attend graduation but would rather sit somewhere else? And does she really expect you to attend. a party or you just think she does?

I feel for you. My daughter always expected that I and her dad would suck it up and always be ok at all events and circumstances. On the most part we did so to speak. We mostly get along. Was it always comfortable? No. Sucked it up.

But it’s like never ends when you have kids. We have a grandkid now. Lol it’s not frequent but it’s still bound to happen: to be at events. Sending you hugs

Thank you. I don’t think there will be a seen so to speak. I just know it will pain me to see her as this is not what I wanted. I guess I have no choice. I appreciate the advice.

Hang in there. You aren’t alone in it. Many of us are in the same boat -if you find it comforting knowing how many people go through exact same thing as you. Yeah the only choice you have is not to sit by her. But even that might not be a choice. I had to sit with my ex at my daughters wedding. Mind you we are both are long remarried. But both we and our spouses had to sit together. We get along however I’d rather not sit right side by side. But I wasn’t going to upset the bride.

Hope the event will come and go and you’ll do ok. Congrats to your daughter

Only a year divorced is not very long to recover and grieve. Children have no idea really what it means and how painful it can be. Your questions are very normal and no one “just knows” how to navigate these challenges. Instead it’s just something you have to slowly learn to navigate.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to?

I do. I talk to someone weekly. I was madly in love with my ex so this, along with the cancer and Mom dying, has been very challenging time for me but I’m making it. One day, in some cases, one minute at a time. Still don’t understand it, don’t think I ever will but it is what it is. Thank you!