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Respectiseverything
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Unhappy Mar 09, 2023 at 02:05 PM
  #1
I apologize for this very long post, but I have so much to get out and I really need to know if I am being logical or not My husband and I have been together for 30 years, married for the last 18 years. During our dating and living together, he was unfaithful with several women off and on for years. I was hurt but found reasons in my own mind of why I should stay. Since we got married, I have no reason to believe he has been unfaithful, and he's been a great husband and father.

Now the problem: about a year ago, I ran into an old friend from before I met my husband. We sent some texts back and forth talking about the good old days. Twice the texts became inappropriate. Once, he said "hows your day going" and I said "you know, just dancing around in my underwear" The second text was I jokingly told him I had hooked up with him way back in the day because he had a cool car. (We were friends who hooked up once, before I even met my husband). Other than these texts - which I know were sooo wrong to send - nothing else was said or done and we haven't even talked in almost a year.

About the same time, a year ago, my car broke down right near this guy's shop and I texted to ask if he still had a tow truck. He did not but he stopped by and jumped it so I could get it off the road. My husband got extremely suspicious but insisted I get the guy a gift card to thank him. So after weeks of my husband saying "make sure you get that gift card, we don't want to owe anybody anything" I did get the gift card and dropped it at his shop. I did not go in, just parked, gave him the gift card and left.

Apparently this was a test set up by my husband, and I "Failed" because, even though my husband insisted I do it, I should NOT have done it.

This was the beginning of the end. He went out of his way to make me feel like a horrible person, horrible wife and horrible mother. He tried to embarrass me in front of my family, my kids and my friends. He asked me to put a tracker on my phone and his, which I did. He kept going on and on about how he didn't need to track me, it was just for the kids. The preaching got to me so I turned it off one day just to see - within 5 minutes of turning it off, he was texting me, calling me all kinds of names etc. I just turned it back on. This type of behavior has been ongoing for a year now. Belittling me, flat out telling me I am a horrible person, horrible mother, horrible wife.

He also said if we ended up separating or divorcing he would be sure the kids - and everyone - knew it was my fault, knew that I liked "whoring around" more than I loved my kids. He also keeps repeating how great he was to me, always showed me love , sent me on trips, bought me stuff.... etc.

Today I told him I felt he didn't respect me and he said "I don't, how can you even respect yourself?!?" And every day is some new test "how long til she comes to me for a hug?" or "what time did you get to work? You say 735 but the tracker says 802" or when I got a flat at work "Its ok to call that other guy for help if you want"

I am a very good person, great mother and aside from those two texts, a year ago, I've been a great girlfriend and wife. I deserve to be loved and respected, not punished and belittled for the rest of my life for a two inappropriate texts I sent to a guy I have absolutely no interest in or even connection to.

I am being unreasonable? Should I give him more time to process by treating me "the way I deserve to be treated" so he feels better? I am gradually falling out of love with him, if not totally already. Add to this mess the fact that we have 4 kids - ages 16, 15, 13 and 10 - and I am at a loss. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!!!!
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 12:01 AM
  #2
I am not in that situation or in your shoes, but I believe your husband is being very unfair to you. What do your kids think about all this? My heart goes out to you!
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 07:31 AM
  #3
You deserve to have a place you can vent your feelings.

Sounds like you are married to a very insecure person where it’s ok if he cheated but can’t handle even the thought you might even though you know you didn’t and had no intentions.
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 09:25 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Respectiseverything View Post
I apologize for this very long post, but I have so much to get out and I really need to know if I am being logical or not My husband and I have been together for 30 years, married for the last 18 years. During our dating and living together, he was unfaithful with several women off and on for years. I was hurt but found reasons in my own mind of why I should stay. Since we got married, I have no reason to believe he has been unfaithful, and he's been a great husband and father.

Now the problem: about a year ago, I ran into an old friend from before I met my husband. We sent some texts back and forth talking about the good old days. Twice the texts became inappropriate. Once, he said "hows your day going" and I said "you know, just dancing around in my underwear" The second text was I jokingly told him I had hooked up with him way back in the day because he had a cool car. (We were friends who hooked up once, before I even met my husband). Other than these texts - which I know were sooo wrong to send - nothing else was said or done and we haven't even talked in almost a year.

About the same time, a year ago, my car broke down right near this guy's shop and I texted to ask if he still had a tow truck. He did not but he stopped by and jumped it so I could get it off the road. My husband got extremely suspicious but insisted I get the guy a gift card to thank him. So after weeks of my husband saying "make sure you get that gift card, we don't want to owe anybody anything" I did get the gift card and dropped it at his shop. I did not go in, just parked, gave him the gift card and left.

Apparently this was a test set up by my husband, and I "Failed" because, even though my husband insisted I do it, I should NOT have done it.

This was the beginning of the end. He went out of his way to make me feel like a horrible person, horrible wife and horrible mother. He tried to embarrass me in front of my family, my kids and my friends. He asked me to put a tracker on my phone and his, which I did. He kept going on and on about how he didn't need to track me, it was just for the kids. The preaching got to me so I turned it off one day just to see - within 5 minutes of turning it off, he was texting me, calling me all kinds of names etc. I just turned it back on. This type of behavior has been ongoing for a year now. Belittling me, flat out telling me I am a horrible person, horrible mother, horrible wife.

He also said if we ended up separating or divorcing he would be sure the kids - and everyone - knew it was my fault, knew that I liked "whoring around" more than I loved my kids. He also keeps repeating how great he was to me, always showed me love , sent me on trips, bought me stuff.... etc.

Today I told him I felt he didn't respect me and he said "I don't, how can you even respect yourself?!?" And every day is some new test "how long til she comes to me for a hug?" or "what time did you get to work? You say 735 but the tracker says 802" or when I got a flat at work "Its ok to call that other guy for help if you want"

I am a very good person, great mother and aside from those two texts, a year ago, I've been a great girlfriend and wife. I deserve to be loved and respected, not punished and belittled for the rest of my life for a two inappropriate texts I sent to a guy I have absolutely no interest in or even connection to.

I am being unreasonable? Should I give him more time to process by treating me "the way I deserve to be treated" so he feels better? I am gradually falling out of love with him, if not totally already. Add to this mess the fact that we have 4 kids - ages 16, 15, 13 and 10 - and I am at a loss. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!!!!
Yes, you are being 100% unreasonable.

I think your mistake was flirting with your guy friend via text message. Test or not set up by your husband, it speaks to your problem with boundaries. You also blame your guy friend for your behavior.

All he did - according to your post below - was text you asking you how you are - which isn't an inappropriate question. There's no hidden agenda behind it. However, your text response is 100% inappropriate, that you even admit to us, that you know is inappropriate. Guy friend or not - I don't send flirty texts to any guy friends I have because I don't want to give them the wrong idea.

The problem isn't with your guy friend or your husband. This is a "you" problem. For some reason, rather than examine why you are unhappy about your marriage or your life, I think you found your guy friend to be an easy target to project your unhappiness on to, and then got mad at your husband for holding you accountable for your self-admitted inappropriate behavior. I think you're mad at your husband for having healthy boundaries with you because you don't respect him. If you did respect your husband, you wouldn't go seeking outside attention from other men. I think you would rather try to talk to your husband about your boredom with your life and the marriage, and get counseling at the very least. But to decide to cheat? That's definitely a "you" problem.

Now the problem: about a year ago, I ran into an old friend from before I met my husband. We sent some texts back and forth talking about the good old days. Twice the texts became inappropriate. Once, he said "hows your day going" and I said "you know, just dancing around in my underwear" The second text was I jokingly told him I had hooked up with him way back in the day because he had a cool car. (We were friends who hooked up once, before I even met my husband). Other than these texts - which I know were sooo wrong to send - nothing else was said or done and we haven't even talked in almost a year.

Women who are happy with their lives and their marriages, don't cheat on their husbands. You've written that you aren't eve in love with your husband, so I am not sure what advice you're seeking. That it's ok to cheat? No, not in my opinion. That your husband setting boundaries with you because you betrayed his trust and the sanctity of your marriage, since you don't really love him to begin with, overreacted because you hurt him emotionally and destroyed his trust in you as a marriage partner and life partner? Totally a "you" problem. You don't even seem sorry that you hurt your husband. There's no remorseful tone in your post anywhere, lamenting that you feel bad about what you did.

Your husband has a right to feel hurt and betrayed by your flirting with your guy friend whom you previously hooked up with before you got married. My advice? Get a divorce? Or at the very least, separated and go into marriage counseling if you even care about saving this marriage. Your husband deserves to be with a woman who is emotionally mature enough to deal with her insecurities, without involving other people, rather than be with you who acts inappropriately, isn't remorseful who gets mad when she's held accountable for her choices that she admits to us she knows hurts other people.

I don't think you are emotionally mature, despite having 4 children with your husband. If you were, you would have addressed your problems with a counselor a long time ago. I have no sympathy for women or men who act this way with their romantic partner, especially when there is no remorse or self-awareness present. Did you even think about the consequences of sending those flirty texts with your guy friend? Do you even feel bad for what you did? You wrote that you two had a sexual fling years before you got married. Then you wrote that you knew it was wrong to send your guy friend that text about dancing around in your underwear. And you are shocked that your husband is angry with you for initiating the flirting with your old sexual fling? Yet, you are painting (to readers here) that you are the "real" victim when you 1) admit you started this whole thing with your actions and 2) show zero remorse 3) blame both men for your choices because it's easier to blame than it is to own up to bad behavior and admit that you made a huge mistake. I don't believe your husband set up your old fling to reach out to you out of the blue. And even if he did, he was suspicious that you don't love him anymore, which you admit to in your post that you don't love your husband and probably never did.

Stop gaslighting your husband and painting him as the bad guy, when you admitted that you knew that what you did was wrong by sending your past-fling/guy friend those flirty texts. What do you want from this situation? I find it hard to believe that you'd care about how your husband feels, since you don't care how he feels. If you two do divorce, the children should go with the parent who is the emotionally safe parent, the financially stable parent. The parent who isn't going to project their own insecurities onto their children, thereby weaponizing their children against their spouse.

I think you need counseling to find out why you are on a warpath to destroy your marriage and blame your husband for your own issues. That's the real problem here. Your acting out is a symptom of your own unhappiness. Not your husband's. Not that old fling.

Last edited by Anonymous43372; Mar 10, 2023 at 10:01 AM..
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 09:46 AM
  #5
This is not a healthy relationship, i won't speculate about who's doing who right or wrong, but your husband is doing you ugly, and that's never ok.

You deserve better.
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 11:54 AM
  #6
It looks like you are hurting each other,back and forth.First he cheated in dating,you decided to go ahead and got married.He was a great husband and father,but then you met an old flame and texted in inappropriate way.Whoa...what were you thinking? You are a wife and mother of four.In my opinion you still carried anger over your husband's cheating from long ago.You both should have gone to counseling and dealt with that issue long ago ,so that going forward you can have a healthy partnership.Then your husband starts insulting and disrespecting you for your texts that happened a year ago and nothing else.You both have some unhealthy behaviours. It gets more complicated when four children are involved.Can you sit with him in a calm manner and address your recent behaviour and genuinely apologize with out mentioning his past cheating.I think your husband is angry because he thinks you are trying to get even with him.If there is any chance to save the marriage, you can try with the help of experts.
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 12:14 PM
  #7
I do agree with others that your texts with this old friend were inappropriate. Only you know your true motive.
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 12:23 PM
  #8
I would like to add that you need to realize that your inappropriate behaviour took place while your husband was being faithful since long and he has been a great husband and father since long.It must be very triggering to him since he has straightened up after the marriage happened and was committed totally to your marriage.l am in no way excusing his past cheating here.
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 04:24 PM
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I'll also add that you're the one who chose to marry your husband anyway, knowing that he cheated on you when you two were just dating. I think you stepped into that situation knowing full well that eventually, one of you would disrupt the repressed anger that his cheating escapades during your dating, created between you and your husband.

There is no strength is silence. You chose not to speak up, which is about you. Not about your husband. Not about that other guy. It's about you.

You also chose to stay with a man who cheated on you and you did nothing about it. Did you expect that your repressed anger would just dissipate?

Then, you did something really irresponsible: you had 4 children with a man who cheated on you while you two dated, after you chose to marry him.

How can you stay silent for 30 years about his cheating and then not expect him to get angry when you emotionally cheat on him via those text messages that you initiated with your previous fling when you two ran into each other?

That again, is a "you" problem. If you choose to stay silent that's not anyone else's responsibility except for yours.

I think you need to get some counseling to decide what to do with your situation.
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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 09:49 PM
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I believe that anything goes - unless there are minor children involved. Children are the deal breaker.

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Default Mar 10, 2023 at 11:04 PM
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I'm so sorry you are in such a stressful situation. I don't have any great advice since it sounds like a complicated scenario for both of you. I hope that things can be worked out so that you may find peace.
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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 09:26 AM
  #12
I have a slightly different opinion than others. It seems to me that your husband is being completely irrational with you about your 2 inappropriate texts and this guy helping to jump your car one day. Your husband is the one who cheated on you for YEARS, on and off and with multiple women. I think he's going way overboard with his reactions to your own behavior and is very controlling of you and disrespectful.... you don't need a tracker on you, for goodness sake. And setting you up to fail a test of his? That was very manipulative on his part! He insisted on the gift card, so you complied. It's not your fault and you do not deserve his disrespect whatsoever. He cheated in the past - he should be able to forgive you for 2 texts sent that didn't even lead to anything physical. All of his extreme behaviors and reactions honestly make me wonder if he is still cheating on you. Because that's what cheaters do - they accuse YOU of what they in fact themselves are guilty of doing. Are you sure he has been faithful for the 18 years of marriage???? How do you know for certain?

And another thing. If you're already out of love with him, then what's the point of moving forward with him? There is none. I wouldn't be in love anymore either with someone accusing me of "whoring around". You do not deserve this. In fact, he is the who*re by having cheated on you with multiple women and for years. Someone's true character does not suddenly change. I suspect that he has been unfaithful in the marriage.

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Default Mar 11, 2023 at 02:53 PM
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I agree with have hope. Your h is waaaaay out of line.
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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 06:46 PM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Respectiseverything View Post
I apologize for this very long post, but I have so much to get out and I really need to know if I am being logical or not My husband and I have been together for 30 years, married for the last 18 years. During our dating and living together, he was unfaithful with several women off and on for years. I was hurt but found reasons in my own mind of why I should stay. Since we got married, I have no reason to believe he has been unfaithful, and he's been a great husband and father.

Now the problem: about a year ago, I ran into an old friend from before I met my husband. We sent some texts back and forth talking about the good old days. Twice the texts became inappropriate. Once, he said "hows your day going" and I said "you know, just dancing around in my underwear" The second text was I jokingly told him I had hooked up with him way back in the day because he had a cool car. (We were friends who hooked up once, before I even met my husband). Other than these texts - which I know were sooo wrong to send - nothing else was said or done and we haven't even talked in almost a year.

About the same time, a year ago, my car broke down right near this guy's shop and I texted to ask if he still had a tow truck. He did not but he stopped by and jumped it so I could get it off the road. My husband got extremely suspicious but insisted I get the guy a gift card to thank him. So after weeks of my husband saying "make sure you get that gift card, we don't want to owe anybody anything" I did get the gift card and dropped it at his shop. I did not go in, just parked, gave him the gift card and left.

Apparently this was a test set up by my husband, and I "Failed" because, even though my husband insisted I do it, I should NOT have done it.

This was the beginning of the end. He went out of his way to make me feel like a horrible person, horrible wife and horrible mother. He tried to embarrass me in front of my family, my kids and my friends. He asked me to put a tracker on my phone and his, which I did. He kept going on and on about how he didn't need to track me, it was just for the kids. The preaching got to me so I turned it off one day just to see - within 5 minutes of turning it off, he was texting me, calling me all kinds of names etc. I just turned it back on. This type of behavior has been ongoing for a year now. Belittling me, flat out telling me I am a horrible person, horrible mother, horrible wife.

He also said if we ended up separating or divorcing he would be sure the kids - and everyone - knew it was my fault, knew that I liked "whoring around" more than I loved my kids. He also keeps repeating how great he was to me, always showed me love , sent me on trips, bought me stuff.... etc.

Today I told him I felt he didn't respect me and he said "I don't, how can you even respect yourself?!?" And every day is some new test "how long til she comes to me for a hug?" or "what time did you get to work? You say 735 but the tracker says 802" or when I got a flat at work "Its ok to call that other guy for help if you want"

I am a very good person, great mother and aside from those two texts, a year ago, I've been a great girlfriend and wife. I deserve to be loved and respected, not punished and belittled for the rest of my life for a two inappropriate texts I sent to a guy I have absolutely no interest in or even connection to.

I am being unreasonable? Should I give him more time to process by treating me "the way I deserve to be treated" so he feels better? I am gradually falling out of love with him, if not totally already. Add to this mess the fact that we have 4 kids - ages 16, 15, 13 and 10 - and I am at a loss. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!!!!
It’s hard to understand why your husband got so upset.

Why did your husband get suspicious about you calling this guy, who was nearby and with a tow truck? It would seem logical this guy could help you. Did he know he was an ex, so your calling was something you knew he would be upset that you did?

Then the gift card test is total not understandable to me from what you wrote. There must be more to this. I doesn’t seem logical why he would get so upset as to do this and go as far off the deep end as he has over this.

Did he know about the flirty texts prior and then you called him to help you? I’m just speculating, wondering why he reacted so intensely.

If your husband is on a smear campaign vilifying you to your kids and others, all he has against you is a two flirty texts from last year, and some trumped up test that anyone will see through the poor reflection on him. You villain…you gave him a gift card! Um, not a bad thing.

I’m not judging you for sending the texts. It doesn’t make you a bad person, we are all human, you had a moment, not your best.

It sounds like the marriage has gone out of control. Marriage counseling, or private therapy would be critical to help. Communication is critical.

It sounds to me like he is trying to get rid of you by going off in indignance, making you a villain to gain sympathy and get justification. He may be cheating on you.

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Default Jun 01, 2023 at 09:13 AM
  #15
That is verging on abuse (if it isn't already) and it sounds like he needs to take his trust issues to counseling and work out why he's reacting like this rather than try to blame his reaction on you. Space might be a good thing while he does this - you cannot fix his insecurity, only he can do this. And I would take the tracker off my phone ASAP - you are not a lost pet!
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