Back and forth

I keep waffling back and forth between feeling like splitting up is the right thing to do and wanting to beg her to try again. I feel like I am two people right now. The first one is rational and knows that it's over. He's thinking about the future and even somewhat looking forward to it. The other one is an emotional wreck who wants nothing more than to go back to the way things were years ago.

Of course, the problem is that the emotional child in me screams a whole lot louder than the rational adult, and while I can ignore him sometimes, other times I am absolutely overwhelmed by his grief and his refusal to accept the truth. And the crazy part is that the rational side knows I'm not in love with her anymore either. But the emotional side won't let go. He's angry and chaotic and afraid and I hate sharing my head with him.


He interrupts at the worst possible times. I can go for a few hours feeling ok, and suddenly, there are those thoughts, reminding me that my entire adult life has ended and I have to start over at the age of 49. All of the things we've built are gone. The financial stability we fought hard to reach is gone. The thoughts announce his arrival. He ALWAYS follows them in and he begins filling my head with nonsense and fear. He lies about her, he lies about me. He makes me question and second guess every interaction with her. He tells me I'll be alone forever and he tells me no one else will ever want me. He tells me she will be happy while I will be miserable.

And I'm terrified that he's right.

I'm so sorry that you are in the situation you describe. I wish I knew what to say that would help. Being pulled in opposite directions can be so brutal.

Often this younger part being fear is the part that prefers taking the familiar root because it’s what is known and familiar. The problem with this is that it doesn’t allow for growth.

I think it's one of those situations where nothing will help but time. Once I get out on my own I can begin to build my new life without her and I have a feeling that child will become much quieter. For now, I just have to be firm and not give in to his demands, because I know they're false.

This is exactly it. I would rather sit in comfortable misery than experience the fear of striving for happiness. I've always been that way, and I've got years of self-sabotage to prove it.


But I'm fighting it, and it WILL get easier.

Perhaps it’s better to strive for growth rather than what may be only an illusion of happiness.

That's what the adult, intellectual side keeps telling me, and that's what I am working toward. I'm just waiting for the whiny child to shut up and let me move on.

What you speak of is the constant battle between the rational and emotional parts of our brain . You speak of the "child" in the 3rd. person . Why ? It's a part of you. I don't think we can overcome emotions with logic. I know that may not sound right but really think about it. The adult is trying to speak with a child that hasn't even learned a language yet. There shouldn't even be a back and forth. Logic has to decipher the emotion and then deal with it properly. This is a very big complicated issue .
Mankind has a long way to go in terms of understanding the psychology and physiology behind the " adult" and " child " in the room. To be continued....

I'm so sorry! I am also struggling against my worries and second guessing my decision to divorce. We've been together since we were 16 and I've realized that there has been abuse mixed into the good times. An ongoing (in denial) alcohol addiction is also present. I keep remembering that I'm scared of the unknown and that it's silly to be scared of something I don't even know! The unknown can hold many amazing opportunities too - not just negative things. Nature abhors a vacuum and so an absence will be filled

In looking for an attorney I came across this quote on one website and it's helped me keep perspective: "Stop trying to find happiness in the place where you lost it."

Happiness comes from within, not without. I'm giving myself happiness as should we all.

Take care and know that emotion feelings pass if you stand back and watch them happening. You don't have to hop on for the ride