Jealousy?

My wife and I agreed to separate back in February. We are both in agreement that it's the best thing, and neither of us has been in love with the other for several years. This is absolutely going to lead to a divorce, and while we're both scared of the practical side of that, we are both in agreement that there is no reason to try to reconcile this marriage. I am still at the house while I wait for a friend to get his ducks in a row so we can get a place. The plan is to do that in July, and if he's not ready, I'll just move on without him.


My wife has recently begun seeing someone. She assures me that it didn't begin until after we agreed to split up, and I am inclined to believe her. She has always been honest and kind to everyone, and that has not changed during this. She avoids talking about dating, which is absolutely the right move. I am happy for her. She insists that he's not her boyfriend (I used that word once and she was quick to correct me) and they are not serious but I'm not entirely sure I believe that. I think she really likes this guy and I think they are a couple. I don't have much to base that on but a hunch, and admittedly, my hunches of late are severely biased toward whatever will make me feel worse.


So here's my question... why do I care? Why does it sting every time she leaves the house if I even suspect it's to go see him? Am I jealous? I've never been that way before. And if I am, WHY? I have no reason to be. She isn't mine and I don't want her back. I also don't want to keep her from living her life. We haven't been a couple for years, so there is nothing strange about her finding someone so soon after we split up.


So why am I filled with this constant need to know more about what's going on? Why does my mind go to these dark places and start telling me she's been seeing him since before we split when I KNOW that's not true? I get that I have low self-esteem and this obviously stems from that, but why is it so hard to recognize that fact when I'm in the middle of panicking about it? Why do I always recognize the truth after I freak out about the lies I'm telling myself?


I try to avoid asking her about it or talking to her about it. We still get along well, but we could get along so much better if I could get past this. Why can't I?

I am so sorry you are in that situation. It must be very painful.

I think (and could be wrong) that the brain has a mind of its own, so to speak.

I read somewhere that there are layers to the brain sometime called the insect brain, the reptile brain, the mammal brain and so on.

Jealousy has a biological purpose in males and females of various species related to the passing on and protecting of one's DNA (I have read).

Sometimes behaviors coming from the deeper levels of the brain do not seem to jive with common sense or our moral or cultural values. So [it is sometimes said] we suffer inner conflict.

In mammals, I have read, males don't want to expend energy on protecting offspring that are not their own. They don't want to advance the DNA of other males of the species.

So males in some animal species while being promiscuous to spread their DNA far and wide are territorial with regard to their mates and expect their mates to be monogamous.

Since caring for young can be difficult and precarious to female animals, females can want to have males around in case the fathers that sire their offspring are lost due to fights, starvation and so on.

A lioness might be friendly with many male lions for this reason. And a male lion is watchful of the female with which he has mated.

When I have felt some of the emotions, moods and inner conflicts you describe, I have often tried to remember that I am dealing with my animal brain which doesn't care about human moral or cultural values. This has helped me.

Of course the whole theory I have set out above (and probably poorly) may be mostly or totally false. Just because a hypothesis or theory seems to make sense of data, doesn't always guarantee that it is true.

Wish I had something more helpful to offer but sadly I am at a loss. I hope others here will have wiser and better words for you than my poor words! And sorry again you are conflicted! My heart goes out to you.

On the contrary, that actually does help a LOT. I think it makes a lot of sense, especially the part about it going against our rational human brains. That is EXACTLY what's happening. I know what's right and I keep succumbing to what I know is wrong. Remembering this in those moments may be the key to helping me let go of those feelings. Thank you sincerely. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

Yaowen, I wanted to let you know that today I kept what you said in mind and it made a HUGE difference in my whole attitude. Funny how understanding where something comes from can sometimes make it weaker. Thank you so much for your advice and your kind words. This hurdle has been the hardest part by far of this entire process for me, and I feel like I have the key to getting over it now.

Thank you for your kindness, harborcourt! I appreciate it a lot.

It’s most likely you are eager to move on with your own life but have not quite found an outlet of your own yet.

I really am. But at the same time, I'm well aware that my depression and irritability is what drove the wedge between us, and I feel like I shouldn't be pursuing anyone until I can get a handle on that stuff. I wish I knew where to redirect these emotions.