Blindside Divorce w Kids

Hi everyone. I don’t have many friends and between my family and friends, no one really cares to hear about my situation, give me advice, offer support for my feelings, etc so I thought I would try a forum. I am trying to battle my depression from all of this by myself for my kids. I have seen a therapist but she wasn’t helpful.

Background: 5 year marriage with a 4 yo son and 1 yo daughter. I’m 34 and she is 26. It was love at sight for both of us and neither has ever had these feelings before. I had red flags but my heart beat my brain. We quickly decided we wanted to get married and have kids. Second year of marriage, we left out of state for my grad school. She immediately had a six month affair. I didn’t want to forgive her, but my Priest told me I should so long as she wanted to stay married essentially. She did, so we did counseling etc. After the affair, we were stronger than ever. We chose to have a second kid bc she wanted to prove her commitment to our family/marriage. I finished grad school and moved back to TX where we both were from. Once we were back in TX with the newborn, things changed dramatically. She stopped working and kept quitting jobs, she gave 0 attention to our first child, and she started spending money recklessly. Meanwhile she stopped doing relationship things with me like dates, shows, games, etc. Nonwithstanding all of those warning signs, our relationship was still good. Our connection and interactions were better than every married couple we knew. Then late last year, I was blindsided by divorce papers. I had just accepted a job in Colorado paying 300K/yr (our dream was to live in CO and we really needed money with her spending). From that day forward, she has been doing her best to hurt me or ghost me. If I didn’t want her using an app she used during her affair, she started using it. Everything and anything you can think of that is hurtful to a married man, she was doing. Clubbing, going on dates with guys etc. However the few times I got her to talk, she was always ultra defensive and not taking any accountability for her actions. I was just supposed to accept that she is a strong and independent woman now. She did ask me to cancel the Colorado job if I wanted any chance of us working it out. Well now our divorce is almost over and she voluntarily gave me primary custody of our kids. She finally moved out (a week ago) and it’s been no contact since. She now lives 4 hours away.

Do I need to just admit to myself that she is never coming back? That’s my biggest problem is that it’s so hard to think it’s over when the day before it all happened, I would’ve bet my kids against us ever getting divorced. Is there anything I can do to get her back? Should I start valuing myself more and realize that I don’t want this person back after all she has done to hurt me and the kids? I feel like a sucker for forgiving her the first time and then for her to run away from the marriage a second time. Both her parents have been divorced 3+ times each and tell her not to try marriage counseling and to just leave because there are other guys out there. Which I don’t really understand as I have spoiled her rotten, am a romantic etc, and don’t even get to watch my own shows until midnight and then just to turnaround and wake up with the kids a few hours later meanwhile she gets to sleep for 10 hours.

I really appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and for any opinions offered.

Your wife sounds like she has some kind of disorder. Does she drink and do drugs?

I am so sorry you are in this situation, and with 2 young children. I agree that it sounds like your wife has a psychiatric disorder, is perhaps Bipolar, however unless she is willing to see a doctor and therapist that doesn't help you. A "strong and independent woman" doesn't cheat on her husband and go on dates while still married. That is more the mentality of a defiant teenager. Also a strong woman doesn't neglect her kids.


I too am wondering if she is drinking or doing drugs. Again, the answer doesn't help you unless she is willing to get treatment.


I would not turn down a 300k/year job for her, because it sounds to me like her mind is made up and she is on a path of self destruction. Are you Catholic? If so that's hard as Catholics don't recognize divorce.


My father was Bipolar and he was helped by Lithium. For him it was his wonder drug. I wish your wife would agree to go for psychiatric assessment because she is throwing away an attentive, loving husband and her children for what? Partying? She's going to have an ocean of regret.

Your probably better off forgetting her and move forward with your life. I'm sure you will meet a decent woman ( your wife seems like a child ) , who will appreciate you.
I would go through with the divorce , especially if your going to get full custody of your children. You'll probably have to hire a nanny or something to help you but I wouldn't leave those kids with her for a minute. Good luck to you..........at least you have a decent job. You'll be able to deal with things better after you come out of the initial "shock" period.
Remember this as a lesson. Also be on the lookout , for there's always somebody out there whose looking to blindside you !

Yeah it's probably wise to talk to a therapist at some point about why you were attracted to someone like that so you can avoid them in the future. As a high-earning man you will have many women interested so be careful to avoid gold diggers and users. If you get a nanny, you might want to hire one you're not attracted to.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, divorce sucks . That being said she relinquished custody of her own children, to me this speaks volumes.

Should I start valuing myself more >>>> YES 100% and realize that I don’t want this person back after all she has done to hurt me and the kids? >>> That sounds like a great choice, she may have psychological issues but IMO You need to take care of your family first and do what is best for them. You didn't abandon them she did.

Be strong you've got this. At least you have a great job in Colorado which would give you all a nice fresh start. I hope you are still taking it, would be the best thing for you all. If she were to try and come back she would have a lot of work to prove herself at this point and would you really want that anyways?

My advice would be to move on. This woman has caused you nothing but problems. Here’s a video I hope will help but change the pronouns: Don?t Invest in Someone Based on THIS - YouTube

You will make it and with time, you will realize it was for the best. CO is expensive.

Hi Texan,

First of all, I am really sorry that you are going through this. Divorce is one of the most painful and difficult things to deal with. It's even worse when it comes out of nowhere and you feel blindsided.
I can relate to your experience in many ways.
I was married for 10 years before getting divorced. I especially relate to the feeling of being blindsided. I was told he did not want to be with me 15 days after celebrating our 10 year anniversary when he surprised me with a new phone and everything.
I suggested marriage counselling, giving up my job to work on the marriage, everything that was in my power. But he did not want any of it.
He showed a sense of urgency in wanting me out of his life, by using extremely hurtful words & actions which essentially translated to calling our 10-year marriage a sham.
I was completely broken at the time. But the more I thought of it, the more I realized that this was not a life I wanted to go back to.

Reading through your story, I would say you also do not want to go back to that. It will be a life of walking on eggshells, knowing how she has treated you in the past. Trust me when I say this, getting such a treatment creates a fear in you and a loss of trust in that person. You might not realize this now, but if you were ever to be back in each others' lives, you will always have this fear of "is she going to do what she did, again?". Trust me, it is not worth it unless the person you do it for really loves and deserves you.

From the sound of it, she does not. You seem like a great guy and I am sure you will meet someone who will value everything you do for your partner.
My two cents would be, just keep looking ahead and move on.

I know it is easier said than done. But not impossible (from my personal experience )

I wish you all the strength, stay happy & blessed.

Love,
Sushi