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SushiNCorn
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Default May 17, 2023 at 05:20 AM
  #1
Hi All,
Coming back here after a while. After my last post, there has been a number of changes in my life.
For one, my divorce has been finalized. I was so looking forward to the process to get over. I think it was essential for the closure. Weirdly enough, my ex husband has been trying to keep in touch, come & meet me every now and then and seems to be trying to find out what is going on in my life, who I am hanging out with etc. I am not sure why and I often wonder what is it that he wants. Has anyone faced a situation like that or have thoughts on the why behind it?
I do definitely know that I have no interest anymore in going back after the way he treated me towards the end . I do not wish to keep this "friendship" going and would just like to carry on with our separate lives. But I do not know how to put a stop to it. Any suggestions?
P.S. If you need background on what happened, how he treated me etc. I posted about it previously:
Reckless words pierce like a sword
What brings me here...

Secondly, I am in a new relationship with a great guy. He knows about my divorce in detail. But he tends to be a bit possessive (I believe because of his past relationships and the betrayals he received). He does not seem to like the fact that my ex husband is still trying to remain friends with me or comes to meet me (once in 2-3 months), understandably so. I definitely do not want my ex & his wish to hold on to the friendship to create problems in my new relationship.

Would appreciate any advice that you can offer.

Love,
Sushi
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moodyblue83
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Default May 17, 2023 at 06:06 AM
  #2
Hi Sushi....First of all , do you have any children ? If so that's a different scenario. If not then I was told , and found out the hard way that going no contact is the best way to move forward. It seems he still wants to be part of your life. It will probably hurt your new relationship. In my experience there's no way you and your ex can remain " friends ". It'll always be more than that. Only communicate with him if you absolutely have to. As harsh as it sounds , no contact, is the way you have to go so you can get on with your life.
I hope things work out well for you...

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Default May 17, 2023 at 04:59 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by moodyblue83 View Post
Hi Sushi....First of all , do you have any children ? If so that's a different scenario. If not then I was told , and found out the hard way that going no contact is the best way to move forward. It seems he still wants to be part of your life. It will probably hurt your new relationship. In my experience there's no way you and your ex can remain " friends ". It'll always be more than that. Only communicate with him if you absolutely have to. As harsh as it sounds , no contact, is the way you have to go so you can get on with your life.
I hope things work out well for you...
Thank you for your helpful advice.
No I do not have any children, which is a good thing. If we did, then I guess we would have no choice but to remain in each others' lives.
Where I mainly struggle is not knowing how to tell him that I do not want him texting me, calling me or wanting to meet me anymore. And it clearly bothers my boyfriend. He even asked me why I haven't told my ex that I am dating someone else yet. But my point was why does he need to know if he is not important enough in my life anymore.
I am also a little scared that if he realizes that I have moved on to someone else, he would try even harder to remain a part of my life. I know this because I know him. He is like a child who wants the toy someone told him he cannot have. I just don't want all that drama in my life.
It almost feels like he wants to keep me open as an option if nothing else works out. And he probably thinks that he can, because there was a point where I was willing to give up everything including my job, career to save the marriage. But I have most definitely moved on from that and knowing this would crush his ego.
I guess I am just trying to avoid the drama & complications. Clearly that's not going to happen
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Default May 18, 2023 at 07:27 AM
  #4
Firm, short, direct boundaries. It can be done politely without explaining yourself. In fact, do it without explaining yourself. Explaining weakens your case.

Maybe something like, "please stop texting me." And repeat as necessary.

You can probably find some good videos or articles online about how to set boundaries effectively. It's very hard for a lot of us.

Good luck
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Default May 19, 2023 at 11:50 AM
  #5
You're in a hard predicament.

I can relate to you. I think you want to keep peace because you're no longer interested in drama. I, too, wonder, why your ex still wants to keep in touch even though he treated you badly. But I am in a very similar situation to yours. I've been told things that I would never think to say to my partner, yet my partner has said awful things to me.

I wish I knew the answer. If available to you, I would seek professional help from a disinterested party. But know, too, that counselors are people and you may like some more than others.

I downloaded an app through my health care plan. It's better than nothing. But does not meet the mark.
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Default May 19, 2023 at 07:49 PM
  #6
Topping up on this post, not in the best state of mind.
My new boyfriend and I have been fighting almost every weekend. He has constantly told me that he doesn't trust me. Many of the fights have been over things that never happened and he thought in his head.
Some fights have been on the back of a chat he found on my phone where I had sent some pics of myself to an old friend who said I haven't seen you in a while and want to see you. Granted, there came a point where I felt he was trying to hit on me. The moment I felt that, I told him I had a boyfriend and I was committed to him. My boyfriend saw this chat and has repeatedly told me he considers this cheating. I argued initially. But later gave in and told him that I respect it if he feels that way. I asked him if he can move on from this. He said Yes. I asked him what do I need to do so that he doesn't feel like I'm cheating on him. He said never repeat this. I said OK and have made sure that I do not have any conversations with any guys that can come close to being inappropriate (in his eyes at least). Yet, the same fights happen every now and then. He says he doesn't trust me and it will take him some time to trust me. But still says that he loves me a lot and doesn't want to give up.
Then there are times where I take things he says too personally and that leads to a fight.
After one of the many fights today, I realized that probably both of us are so hell bent on proving our own self right, that we disregard each others' feelings. Yes, he is unreasonable sometimes, but in that moment I so want to prove it and prove that he is being unreasonable that the fight keeps on getting worse.
It is the same thing that he does. I know I overreact sometimes. But then he gets so defensive in trying to prove how I am being foolish that the fight never gets resolved.
We reach a point in the night where he says I cannot have this conversation anymore, we will talk about it tomorrow. But that tomorrow never comes.
And I am left feeling like I'm doing the same thing I did in my marriage - brush things under the carpet.

What do I do? I just feel so lost and helpless sometimes.
I am scared of losing him so I keep running after him, I don't have the patience to sleep on it and wait until tomorrow to resolve it. I have this fear in my mind. I know what happens when things don't get resolved. I am so lost.
Am I going wrong somewhere. Please give me honest advice. I think I could really use an independent view.
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Default May 19, 2023 at 07:53 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueowl View Post
You're in a hard predicament.

I can relate to you. I think you want to keep peace because you're no longer interested in drama. I, too, wonder, why your ex still wants to keep in touch even though he treated you badly. But I am in a very similar situation to yours. I've been told things that I would never think to say to my partner, yet my partner has said awful things to me.

I wish I knew the answer. If available to you, I would seek professional help from a disinterested party. But know, too, that counselors are people and you may like some more than others.

I downloaded an app through my health care plan. It's better than nothing. But does not meet the mark.
I would love to know which app that is. There are times where I just don't know how to deal with things. I could really use an independent (and emotionally not invested) view
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Default May 19, 2023 at 08:04 PM
  #8
The app is called myStrength.

Please... move on from this boyfriend. Things aren't starting off right... Am afraid the situation most likely won't improve.

Don?t Invest in Someone Based on THIS - YouTube
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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 03:52 PM
  #9
Hi All,

So I am back again, to share a little bit of my life ATM.
My boyfriend (yes, I have not called it quits yet) has a mother who is schizophrenic. Sometimes I wonder if his insecurity, him being possessive is stemming from some sort of genetics. He is only about 37 years old. I don't think age has a role to play in this but I know his mother was diagnosed with this pretty late in her life (she is about 70 now). He lives with his mother full time because he does not want to abandon her in this state and he wants to take care of her. And I greatly respect him for that. It is not an easy thing to do at this age, to take care of a parent who is paranoid at all times. But I am sure it has its own effects on him, dealing with something so difficult.
In the end, I do really love him and I am finding it difficult to give up on this.
At the same time, I also feel I have a little bit of a separation anxiety (probably stemming from my divorce, that came as a complete shock to me). I know this is common among kids of divorce and things like that. I don't know if it's common among older people like me (37 years) after their own divorce. So could use some advice on this aspect.
I don't know. A lot of things to think about and analyze.

To anyone reading, this might sound like a relationship destined for a disaster (given that both are probably fighting their own demons). But for me, what I have only spoken about so far is the tough part. So I thought it is only fair that I also talk about the good parts so that anyone who can give advice considers both aspects. He is a very loving, caring person. I have never been with someone (romantically) who shows so much of concern towards me in 37 years of my life. I know he genuinely loves me and cares about me. And he is not shy to show that love in front of anyone, be it his friends; my friends etc. So sometimes I think I am overthinking things. Yes, we both have had our difficult journeys that have left some scars on each but I feel like we can fight these demons together.

I know we both love each other enough to stand by the other person's side through tough times. I can also be a bit egoistic sometimes. But I have also come to realize that it doesn't help anyone (and definitely not myself). Should I be more open and understanding to what he sometimes feels?

Please do let me know your thoughts. I definitely can't talk about this with my family or friends, because they care about me too much and I do not want to worry them

Love, as always;
Sushi
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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 06:34 PM
  #10
Hi Sushi,

My thoughts are that he is sort of in a half-sandwich situation. I'm not there (nor will I ever be) but there are people who find themselves taking care of their parents and children and it is very taxing. You indicate you are his girlfriend - not fiancée nor wife. And am by no means diminishing the relationship, as I have a family member who never married and has children with his "wife" of over 20 years. Legal status may or may not be a factor.

As for the separation anxiety, sometimes I think that there are many problems in the USA because it is an individualistic society, but research shows that a good social network keep people healthier, happier, and live longer. In other countries, extended families are the norm and there is always someone there to talk to you, take care of you, etc. I strongly believe that a lot of the "anxieties" in this society are due to environmental/social factors. For example, children who turn 18 are expected to leave the house and it's very common for family members to live in different states. It's almost as if people don't want their family near.

I think what you are experiencing is entirely normal. You want to know that someone cares about you, that you are important to them, that they are there for you, etc.

There is a term called caregiver burnout. Perhaps your boyfriend and his mother are facing financial considerations; perhaps your boyfriend and/or his mother want to stay in the house and not be placed in a nursing home or something along those lines. I would say watch out for those signs because he may need respite.

I don't think your relationship is a disaster; this is real life. These are just thoughts. It's not easy. Hugs!

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