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RebelForce
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Member Since: Jun 2023
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Default Jun 01, 2023 at 08:35 AM
  #1
Hello everyone!

I just joined this forum to have a place to talk with people who can relate to what it's like to divorce a partner.

My husband and I have been together since we were 16. We have been through so much and I love him still. We have two kiddo's and welcomed a partner into our relationship 3 years ago. My husband is bi and we've both had an agreement about being open to another person joining us.

With all the good times, I'm at a point now where I cannot ignore the repeated patterns of emotional abuse and alcoholism that has impacted our marriage throughout the years and also is negatively impacting our children. After a recent incident where our partner was violent and my husband hit him in defense, I have had a HUGE mirror in front of me reflecting what is not okay anymore. The problems are escalating and there is no indication that my husband will change his behavior or take his addiction seriously. I have to do what is right for myself and the kids at this point and am seeking a divorce.

Due to the domestic violence issue and abuse that has occurred throughout the marriage I'm concerned for the safety of myself and need to protect the kids from any more exposure to these types of behaviors. I've filed a PFA order with the court and am meeting with a divorce lawyer I've spoken with on Monday. Due to bail conditions for my husband and partner, I have not had contact with either of them in two weeks and am seeing what life can be like/feel like without drama, anger, outbursts, and alcoholic addiction. My kids are noticing the difference two and are processing feelings but starting to be able to relax more.

Saying goodbye to walking on eggshells and trying to make everything better. This is how I make things better.

Sometimes I feel so scared about how my husband is/will react. He is so good at gaslighting me I know he can make anything seem normal and that I'm just overreacting. I'm not. This is real. I have the support of his parents, my family, my therapist, and countless others and am grateful for this as sometimes I question myself. Working on that and trying to be strong and stick to my guns.

If anyone can relate to the emotional rollercoaster or second guessing and also feeling strong I'd love to read about other stories.

Take care and be well

-RebelForce
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Yaowen
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Default Jun 01, 2023 at 01:46 PM
  #2
I am so sorry you are in that situation. I am glad to are taking steps to protect yourself and your two kids.

Self protection is nature's first law. Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you in that crisis. You are doing a wonderful thing for your kids since violence can profoundly affect them.

I am rooting for you.

Please lean on us here on these Forums for support as you navigate the hard, hard times. My heart goes out to you and I hope you and your kids will be safe and sound!
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Blueowl
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Default Jun 02, 2023 at 07:02 PM
  #3
There were times when I felt overwhelmed and the only thing I could do is make it to the next meal. Strange, would you say? I was deployed. I would wake up in the morning not knowing how I was going to make it through the day, and had to take it a step at a time.

Also, I would have breakdowns on Friday right before the weekend because I didn't have any friends and spending 2 days by myself seem virtually impossible. This was when I was back home.

You, on the other hand, have children, which is probably a factor in forcing you to keep moving forward. You'll have good and bad days, good and bad moments, and as time goes by, it gets a bit more bearable.

With the family support, a therapist, and a lawyer I think that you are in a much better position than many. I'm not minimizing your pain, but rather I want to highlight that you have a support system. Lean on this support system - use it.

And YouTube has so many good videos on whatever topic you want to learn about. All you have to do it type in the search field and you'll get lots of hits. You'll realize that you were not the first one going through this and that there are so many stories that are virtually identical.

Take it a day at a time, a step at a time... Some days, you may not move - other days you'll make a lot of progress - and others days you'll have setbacks.

Be kind to yourself.
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RebelForce
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Default Jun 05, 2023 at 10:27 AM
  #4
Thanks for the supportive words

It's been a bit of a whirlwind this week. My husband's bail conditions regarding no-contact were altered with my approval; however, he wasn't able to follow these and is now in jail again. Not sure what will happen for him next.

I explained to him via messenger that I was not able to return to the relationship as it has previously existed and need a separation/divorce. This is where I have control over things getting better or returning to how they have been. I can't stop the alcoholism, the negative behavior, outbursts, and anger. I can choose to not live with it anymore and to make a safer home environment for the kiddos and myself.

I've realized how much I've been gaslit by him over the years and also that he is very much a narcissist which hasn't been healthy for our relationship. I'm scared of how angry is is with me right now and am grateful for the support of his & my family. Meeting with my soon-to-be lawyer today and starting this process. I just want him to let me go and move on because I'm done and he can't get me back.
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