where to go from here

You are so right about indirect communication being a weapon. I just dealt with this yesterday and I think it was almost ridiculous. I had a family event in a city about 45 minutes away including a memorial service for my grandmother. My H has a lot of trouble being on time. I asked him to please be ready to leave at a certain time and he was mad, telling me I "value being on time more than him." And "being on time" is more important to me than his "wants and needs." I asked him why his wants and needs are at odds with being on time to something that is important to me. He told me that I "would never understand". So by failing to reveal what he means, he sort of creates some excuse for what I think is otherwise inexcusable behavior and what can you say to that at that point? Nothing.

I did a lot of work with my therapist last week about remembering and reinforcing that my H's behavior has nothing to do with me. I am best served by taking myself out of the equation. And, then by the same token, I have to readjust my expectations. Maybe next time I don't expect him to be on time and just make plans of my own, which I have done in the past, but preferred not to this time since we had a longer drive ahead of us. I think what sort of "gets me" in this situation, is if there is no expectation of support I want it to be mutual. But, even after he made us late to something that was important to me so we missed a part of it, I was expected by him to attend a business dinner last night and pay rapt attention to what was going on to help him. In most situations, this makes sense to me, what is good for his business is good for our family. But it is so weird to me that he has these expectations of me and I cannot and should not at this point for my own sanity have any of him. I am a libra (haha) so I do get fixated on fairness more than I should, especially for as much as I preach to my children that "fair" really is something that seldom happens ever, if at all. Anyway, my therapist and I both think that expectations and making sure I can try and remember things are not about me can offer me a lot of comfort and help in handling these things.

Okay, so speaking of convenient avoidance, my sister in law (my H's sister) was telling me this story about her father (who is definitely the villain in my H's story) and she was bringing up something her father would do in childhood that bothered her and said "Why did you do that" and he said he didn't remember doing it. Sort of takes the wind out of your sails when they claim they can't remember. I think you are on target with it being second nature to avoid direct and honest conversations. If they aren't direct then they can't be criticized.

I am with you, just doing my best to put down boundaries where necessary. Remember it is not about me. Appreciate any nice moments when they exist and go from there.

Your recent thought makes perfect sense to me. I am so glad you are able to separate enough to see the disorder and not actually be a part of it anymore. I think that is really healthy and while you are right, these things don't fix the problems with the relationship, it helps you lead a better, happier and more fulfilling life. So I am for that too and hope you are continuing on that path and doing so well!

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. You have my condolences.

What your H did was controlling and selfish, and somehow not that uncommon . I'm sorry you had to deal with that when he should have been much more selfless and supportive.

They say that one of the more conspicuous signs of narcissistic behavior (including covert narcissistic behaviors) is that special events are quite often spoiled. Your grandmother's memorial is potentially that sort of thing. He selfishly maintained control which sort of made it about him.

On special occasions here, my H liked to pick fights when he knew I wouldn't argue back. Go along to get along, if you will. It took a long time to see that it wasn't just a coincidence. Honestly, he can have a bit of the benefit of the doubt about whether or not he did it consciously, but like everyone else, he needs to be accountable for his behavior.

Having been on this road long enough already, if I were faced with an important event like yours, I would have told him that we'd be in the car and ready to go at 9am, if he wants to go he better be ready and sitting in the car at that time, or he's going to miss the proverbial bus. Unfortunately, with that kind of boundary, you have to be ready to actually go and leave him behind- and if that's the case, you have to just go get on with your day, without dwelling on him or anything he's done. In my H's case, he doesn't want to be left out, so generally he starts being able to tell time pretty well

Anyway, you can have boundaries and expectations with him. It can be hard to learn them, particularly if you've never had to have them to the level you're needing them now. Melody Beattie says that it's scary to set boundaries, and they will be challenged, but do it anyway. It gets easier with time, but it's still hard. And it's not fun, and it definitely gives you a lot of pause for thought about whether it's worth it- which is something only you can decide.

About that dinner that you had to show up on time. It isn't fair, and it's okay for you to expect him to attempt to be fair. You know that it's not going to be completely even, but it is a two way street where it's okay to expect him to at least make the same effort.

As for here, not much has changed. Navigating messes and putting down boundaries, while not giving them any more time than necessary. We've got some events and situations coming up soon that have the potential to be used for drama. I'm not looking forward to dealing with those, knowing that it's going to require very strong boundaries, but you know what they say, 'wherever you go there you are.....'

Keep smiling