where to go from here

You are so right about indirect communication being a weapon. I just dealt with this yesterday and I think it was almost ridiculous. I had a family event in a city about 45 minutes away including a memorial service for my grandmother. My H has a lot of trouble being on time. I asked him to please be ready to leave at a certain time and he was mad, telling me I "value being on time more than him." And "being on time" is more important to me than his "wants and needs." I asked him why his wants and needs are at odds with being on time to something that is important to me. He told me that I "would never understand". So by failing to reveal what he means, he sort of creates some excuse for what I think is otherwise inexcusable behavior and what can you say to that at that point? Nothing.

I did a lot of work with my therapist last week about remembering and reinforcing that my H's behavior has nothing to do with me. I am best served by taking myself out of the equation. And, then by the same token, I have to readjust my expectations. Maybe next time I don't expect him to be on time and just make plans of my own, which I have done in the past, but preferred not to this time since we had a longer drive ahead of us. I think what sort of "gets me" in this situation, is if there is no expectation of support I want it to be mutual. But, even after he made us late to something that was important to me so we missed a part of it, I was expected by him to attend a business dinner last night and pay rapt attention to what was going on to help him. In most situations, this makes sense to me, what is good for his business is good for our family. But it is so weird to me that he has these expectations of me and I cannot and should not at this point for my own sanity have any of him. I am a libra (haha) so I do get fixated on fairness more than I should, especially for as much as I preach to my children that "fair" really is something that seldom happens ever, if at all. Anyway, my therapist and I both think that expectations and making sure I can try and remember things are not about me can offer me a lot of comfort and help in handling these things.

Okay, so speaking of convenient avoidance, my sister in law (my H's sister) was telling me this story about her father (who is definitely the villain in my H's story) and she was bringing up something her father would do in childhood that bothered her and said "Why did you do that" and he said he didn't remember doing it. Sort of takes the wind out of your sails when they claim they can't remember. I think you are on target with it being second nature to avoid direct and honest conversations. If they aren't direct then they can't be criticized.

I am with you, just doing my best to put down boundaries where necessary. Remember it is not about me. Appreciate any nice moments when they exist and go from there.

Your recent thought makes perfect sense to me. I am so glad you are able to separate enough to see the disorder and not actually be a part of it anymore. I think that is really healthy and while you are right, these things don't fix the problems with the relationship, it helps you lead a better, happier and more fulfilling life. So I am for that too and hope you are continuing on that path and doing so well!