where to go from here

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. You have my condolences.

What your H did was controlling and selfish, and somehow not that uncommon . I'm sorry you had to deal with that when he should have been much more selfless and supportive.

They say that one of the more conspicuous signs of narcissistic behavior (including covert narcissistic behaviors) is that special events are quite often spoiled. Your grandmother's memorial is potentially that sort of thing. He selfishly maintained control which sort of made it about him.

On special occasions here, my H liked to pick fights when he knew I wouldn't argue back. Go along to get along, if you will. It took a long time to see that it wasn't just a coincidence. Honestly, he can have a bit of the benefit of the doubt about whether or not he did it consciously, but like everyone else, he needs to be accountable for his behavior.

Having been on this road long enough already, if I were faced with an important event like yours, I would have told him that we'd be in the car and ready to go at 9am, if he wants to go he better be ready and sitting in the car at that time, or he's going to miss the proverbial bus. Unfortunately, with that kind of boundary, you have to be ready to actually go and leave him behind- and if that's the case, you have to just go get on with your day, without dwelling on him or anything he's done. In my H's case, he doesn't want to be left out, so generally he starts being able to tell time pretty well

Anyway, you can have boundaries and expectations with him. It can be hard to learn them, particularly if you've never had to have them to the level you're needing them now. Melody Beattie says that it's scary to set boundaries, and they will be challenged, but do it anyway. It gets easier with time, but it's still hard. And it's not fun, and it definitely gives you a lot of pause for thought about whether it's worth it- which is something only you can decide.

About that dinner that you had to show up on time. It isn't fair, and it's okay for you to expect him to attempt to be fair. You know that it's not going to be completely even, but it is a two way street where it's okay to expect him to at least make the same effort.

As for here, not much has changed. Navigating messes and putting down boundaries, while not giving them any more time than necessary. We've got some events and situations coming up soon that have the potential to be used for drama. I'm not looking forward to dealing with those, knowing that it's going to require very strong boundaries, but you know what they say, 'wherever you go there you are.....'

Keep smiling