where to go from here

You are so right about indirect communication being a weapon. I just dealt with this yesterday and I think it was almost ridiculous. I had a family event in a city about 45 minutes away including a memorial service for my grandmother. My H has a lot of trouble being on time. I asked him to please be ready to leave at a certain time and he was mad, telling me I "value being on time more than him." And "being on time" is more important to me than his "wants and needs." I asked him why his wants and needs are at odds with being on time to something that is important to me. He told me that I "would never understand". So by failing to reveal what he means, he sort of creates some excuse for what I think is otherwise inexcusable behavior and what can you say to that at that point? Nothing.

I did a lot of work with my therapist last week about remembering and reinforcing that my H's behavior has nothing to do with me. I am best served by taking myself out of the equation. And, then by the same token, I have to readjust my expectations. Maybe next time I don't expect him to be on time and just make plans of my own, which I have done in the past, but preferred not to this time since we had a longer drive ahead of us. I think what sort of "gets me" in this situation, is if there is no expectation of support I want it to be mutual. But, even after he made us late to something that was important to me so we missed a part of it, I was expected by him to attend a business dinner last night and pay rapt attention to what was going on to help him. In most situations, this makes sense to me, what is good for his business is good for our family. But it is so weird to me that he has these expectations of me and I cannot and should not at this point for my own sanity have any of him. I am a libra (haha) so I do get fixated on fairness more than I should, especially for as much as I preach to my children that "fair" really is something that seldom happens ever, if at all. Anyway, my therapist and I both think that expectations and making sure I can try and remember things are not about me can offer me a lot of comfort and help in handling these things.

Okay, so speaking of convenient avoidance, my sister in law (my H's sister) was telling me this story about her father (who is definitely the villain in my H's story) and she was bringing up something her father would do in childhood that bothered her and said "Why did you do that" and he said he didn't remember doing it. Sort of takes the wind out of your sails when they claim they can't remember. I think you are on target with it being second nature to avoid direct and honest conversations. If they aren't direct then they can't be criticized.

I am with you, just doing my best to put down boundaries where necessary. Remember it is not about me. Appreciate any nice moments when they exist and go from there.

Your recent thought makes perfect sense to me. I am so glad you are able to separate enough to see the disorder and not actually be a part of it anymore. I think that is really healthy and while you are right, these things don't fix the problems with the relationship, it helps you lead a better, happier and more fulfilling life. So I am for that too and hope you are continuing on that path and doing so well!

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. You have my condolences.

What your H did was controlling and selfish, and somehow not that uncommon . I'm sorry you had to deal with that when he should have been much more selfless and supportive.

They say that one of the more conspicuous signs of narcissistic behavior (including covert narcissistic behaviors) is that special events are quite often spoiled. Your grandmother's memorial is potentially that sort of thing. He selfishly maintained control which sort of made it about him.

On special occasions here, my H liked to pick fights when he knew I wouldn't argue back. Go along to get along, if you will. It took a long time to see that it wasn't just a coincidence. Honestly, he can have a bit of the benefit of the doubt about whether or not he did it consciously, but like everyone else, he needs to be accountable for his behavior.

Having been on this road long enough already, if I were faced with an important event like yours, I would have told him that we'd be in the car and ready to go at 9am, if he wants to go he better be ready and sitting in the car at that time, or he's going to miss the proverbial bus. Unfortunately, with that kind of boundary, you have to be ready to actually go and leave him behind- and if that's the case, you have to just go get on with your day, without dwelling on him or anything he's done. In my H's case, he doesn't want to be left out, so generally he starts being able to tell time pretty well

Anyway, you can have boundaries and expectations with him. It can be hard to learn them, particularly if you've never had to have them to the level you're needing them now. Melody Beattie says that it's scary to set boundaries, and they will be challenged, but do it anyway. It gets easier with time, but it's still hard. And it's not fun, and it definitely gives you a lot of pause for thought about whether it's worth it- which is something only you can decide.

About that dinner that you had to show up on time. It isn't fair, and it's okay for you to expect him to attempt to be fair. You know that it's not going to be completely even, but it is a two way street where it's okay to expect him to at least make the same effort.

As for here, not much has changed. Navigating messes and putting down boundaries, while not giving them any more time than necessary. We've got some events and situations coming up soon that have the potential to be used for drama. I'm not looking forward to dealing with those, knowing that it's going to require very strong boundaries, but you know what they say, 'wherever you go there you are.....'

Keep smiling

Thank you so much.


I had a talk with my therapist about his actions and she encouraged me to ask him what he meant by "putting my need to be on time ahead of his needs" and essentially, much like everything else, when confronted about it he was unable to really explain what happened. And, I do think you are 100% right that special events are spoiled by him. His MO is always to first say he is not going to something, then to make us late or make a fuss about something before hand and ruin it for me (at least this hasn't affected by children directly yet).


This morning I was thinking back to something else you said about how poorly narcissists react to boundaries. It is so interesting to me. Something as simple as me saying to my husband during a conversation that he raised his voice to me and I am not comfortable continuing the conversation until he acknowledges it and more importantly can commit to not yelling/screaming for the duration of the conversation results in me being told, time after time, that I am (1) playing games; (2) gaslighting him; (3) the one to blame. And then usually he'll just start (for lack of a better word) verbal abuse and obscenities. Your boundary conversation is definitely pertinent to my life right now. I am going to look up this Melody Beattie. I told my H there is nothing wrong with me setting a boundary with you that I don't want to be screamed at. Since he HATES being told what to do, I often say to him, "you are welcome to do whatever you want" but if you scream at me, I won't continue with the conversation. I am traumatized by his screaming and I've told him as much. He is so involved in himself he can't or won't change his behavior so I have to decide, like you said, do I want to stick to this boundary now or not.

I find I have a lot of patience for him making mistakes, but his wholesale failure to own up to them or take any responsibility is what I get stuck on. I could move on from a lot if anything was ever acknowledged and the complete lack of acknowledgement is the hardest thing for me to deal with. And I know my therapist would say go back to the 3 Cs. I was with a group of girlfriends right after mother's day and all three of us are in different life stages, our husbands are in different careers and roles, but all three of our husbands were giving us the silent treatment on mother's day. This made me wish I could see an example of "healthy communication" within a long term marriage and made me wonder does it even exist? I could look at my parents' relationship but as a child I merely observed and didn't pay attention to how they worked things out. I do know they still enjoy spending time together with all the kids gone and have fun together so I think that's an admirable goal and something I am not sure I will ever have within this marriage.


I hope the events and situations you have coming up yield less drama than expected and that you are able to handle them as best you can. And, that you keep smiling too!!

Sorry it's been a bit. Busy here. DD is graduating HS, and there will be family to contend with.

Oddly, it doesn't bother me as much as it probably should, or would, have in the past. Staying in my own lane as much as possible.

But I didn't want to leave you hanging... Sorry if this one ends up a bit short.

Oh heck yes! The lack of responsibility and accountability does feel like a deal breaker. The problem is, if you give them a pass, or buy the amnesia BS, you're setting the president that the pattern is acceptable - behave terribly, get away with it. Last time my H pulled the "I can't remember doing that" card, I told him that didn't matter, he is still responsible for his actions and needed to find a way to become responsible. Lost memories need to be addressed in counseling, not with the person who suffered as a result- and definitely not as their responsibility to make right! But it's pretty widely accepted that abuse amnesia is generally just a matter of convenience and self protection, not really lost memories.

Your H, like a lot of disordered people, is a champ at blame shifting. Once you learn to recognize that's what he's doing, you can just end the conversation right there. The key here isn't just good boundaries, but also being able to recognize it when it's happening and not let it go too far. Remember this : he has no interest in getting on the same page with you, so don't spin your wheels in place, thinking if you keep at it long enough, he'll start being more cooperative. In fact, you'll probably get a lot more interest and compliance from him if you back away and seem indifferent. He probably wants you to remain engaged for his own purposes.

Melody Beattie is the codependency expert. Even if you don't feel like you are codependent, there's a lot on her work that will teach you to detach and go about your life in a way that's much healthier for you. Good habits, I suppose.

Sadly, I think the reality for us both is that if some factors were different, we wouldn't let the door hit us in the backside on the way out. I've found it helpful to be very honest with myself about the reasons why I am still here- and then live into that. Living my own life as best as I can under unideal circumstances. Life will change for both of us at some point - by choice or by chance.

Congrats on your daughter graduating, that is definitely no small accomplishment! I bet that feels really great as a parent to watch your daughter have such a major achievement. I am sure, as always, with big events that there is an opportunity for things to be made harder so I hope everything went as smoothly as possible.


I like the way you dealt with the "I can't remember" card and I am going to employ that myself when it comes up again. You are totally right, it doesn't really matter whether they remember, because we do, and we are left remembering even if we wish we could forget so they must still be responsible for their words and actions.


I do feel my H is very good at blame shifting or with him it seems like he only sees the world from his perspective. We went on a family vacation at the beginning of the month in a situation where we were sharing a large house with members of my family. H and my mom don't get along very well which at this point is more because of my mom than him. He and my mother were having some conflict and when I was talking to him about how uncomfortable and upset it made me he said something to me like "thank you for reminding me to remember to think of your feelings in all of this." Which, on the one hand, is sort of upsetting because I feel like he should be considering my feelings when we are with my family but on the other hand, I felt like at least he acknowledged he forgot to think of how I was feeling, and he did manage to adjust his behavior somewhat.


My H just has all of this anger so his reactions to everything are out of proportion. While I will say he has been better lately about being less disconnected, i.e. more connected to our kids and me as well, he just cannot manage situations very well. If I were comparing it to what my 8 year old's therapist about my 8 year old, which is also true for my H, is that H has no frustration tolerance. It is like he is living in a constant state of being pushed over the edge. So one little thing makes him explode.

I had talked with my therapist recently about how crazy it is that it has been about a year since my H proclaimed to me that "he had to move out or he was going to die" and "only another woman could fix him" and essentially all of the things he said were things that he had no intent on following through on. At the time, I never would have predicted that we would still be living together and married. I have learned so much in the past year, such as not to believe anything he says and to just focus on his actions. We had a conversation recently about something involving us spending time together and I called him on what he was saying and said you said you had no interest in being married to me, has something changed. I am sure you can guess he denied saying anything like that, but said he wanted to spend time together again. My therapist always challenges me on how do I feel about that, am I taking him seriously, do I trust him? And I think those are all valid points. I told her I am not putting any stake in anything he says, judging him only by his actions and remembering nothing is permanent. I think that is the best way to deal with these "changes of heart."


I wanted to ask you if that is what you do when things are better/your H is better? What is your best strategy for not letting yourself get caught up in the pendulum swings?

I hope all is well with you and things are going smoothly!

It sounds like you have a good therapist, and she tries to get you to focus on your thoughts, feelings, and wants, which is good.

I recently picked up a book of short essays by Melody Beattie, and there was one about being "in orbit." It honed in on how we can end up orbiting around other people, even when we don't realize it. Its an interesting thing to think about. There are times that I realize that DD and I have spent time talking about h, or how to handle a situation with him, and it sort of feels like our day/morning/whatever inadvertently got taken over by his mess. It really is important to be the center of your own universe - and that's not to say in a way thats detrimental to the well being of your family--- having disordered dad be the center of the family focus is surely very unhealthy- it robs other family members of feeling like valid players.

It's interesting that you talk about his inability to cope and handle situations. That's just something we should be able to expect from adults, especially those who have children and should be modeling adult emotional regulation for them. Isn't that frustrating? My DD is old enough, and understands enough at this point, that she will just walk away and go find her own thing to do. Since I don't have to worry about intervening on her part, I just walk away too- if that's an option. The old "don't reenforce negative behaviors by giving it attention."

It does sound like he's making attempts at progress, albeit slow. That he didn't overreact, and acknowledged your feelings is good, though I agree with you that it's sad that isn't just second nature.

---->I wanted to ask you if that is what you do when things are better/your H is better? What is your best strategy for not letting yourself get caught up in the pendulum swings?<----

Not sure you'll like the answer to this--- I used to live in a part of the country where the jet stream dipped up and down over the area. There they say, "if you don't like the weather, wait a day.". That describes my H as he's been the last few years. Even when he's in a more pleasant state of mind, you know it isn't going to last. To date, he's on a pretty consistent rollercoaster. If he at least looked like there was steady improvement, it might be easier to roll through the rougher times. But the truth is, him being in a good mood doesn't change much, within a short time, the other guy will be back. And even in a good mood, something can push him back the other way in a second. This sort of experience gives me a lot of pause for thought about how much a person can or should tolerate.

As far as how to not get caught up in the swings? Focus on living your own life! I know that's been said a lot, but it's true. The best thing you can do is let him be responsible for himself (he is an adult!) and you get on with your life the best you can. Focus on making sure you're out of his orbit, and not getting sucked into his gravitational pull

How's your summer been so far? We're still recovering from all the school activities...

She really is great. And, last time we even talked about non-relationship related issues like my anxiety about weather, haha. It does feel good to focus on those things as well and just generally improving myself. The "orbit" idea you are discussing really sounds familiar. I totally also engage in this behavior where my H sucks up all my time and thinking and it feels like soon enough his mess takes over everything. Even when it is not a mess, his issues, wants and desires always do end up taking over. It is definitely tough to get out of.


I was also recently talking to my therapist about my H's inability to cope. He and my middle child are quite similar in their sometimes overreactions to everything and I was telling my therapist that for an 8 year old it makes sense they might not always be able to control their emotions but by the time you are an adult it seems absurd that you have a huge reaction to a non-issue. My H just had one of these not directed at me but at a family gathering with his family where his sister-in-law (his brother's wife) and his father were not letting him speak and kept telling him to be quiet and he exploded at them. He explained it to me like he feels like he is in distress but I think at some point as an adult you have to be in control of your reaction. Even if it just means he walks out of the room, that is okay but screaming at them is just not appropriate for an adult. But, I suspect that smacks of the childhood trauma he doesn't want to deal with.


Lol, I definitely live in one of those parts of the country, thus my weather anxiety, but it is totally true. During the good days the only thing I can do is still just concentrate on myself. It is always the best advice honestly. My H has a really hard time on the occasions where my priorities don't sync up to making him my priority and the truth is, he doesn't always have to be my priority and that is okay. I can be a priority for myself before him. I think one of the best things to come out of this whole ordeal is learning that I can make plans and do things on my own without him and that is okay. Back when he was sure only a divorce could cure his own issues, my H didn't care about stuff like that. Now that he is less depressed, it bothers him. That dichotomy is difficult to deal with for me, and clearly he doesn't respond well to me telling him I am confused because he said he wanted nothing to do with me.


Anyways, summer has flown by in a whirlwind of busy activities and good quality time with the kids. I am so trying to enjoy it all while it lasts and the kids are still young. How is your summer going so far? I hope all is well with you?

—>the truth is, he doesn't always have to be my priority and that is okay. I can be a priority for myself before him. I think one of the best things to come out of this whole ordeal is learning that I can make plans and do things on my own without him and that is okay.<---

This made me smile

If nothing else, at least live your own life.

The sad part (voice of experience) is that when the other person can't/doesn't bring their share to the table, our family/situation doesn't look like we want it to . I spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out ways to correct the situation, so that it would be what it “should be”, and then I could be happy. It wasn't going to happen, because one person can't bring more than their half-share to the table in a relationship. When you're at that point, the only healthy option you're left with is to take care of yourself.

—>That dichotomy is difficult to deal with for me, and clearly he doesn't respond well to me telling him I am confused because he said he wanted nothing to do with me.<---

You H behaved pretty badly and did some very hurtful things to you. Now, it kind of seems like he wants things to look differently, but he hasn't done much to make amends, or deserve something other with you again. You have every right to feel hurt, and even betrayed, by the way he has treated you. You wouldn't be taking care of yourself if you didn't want some accountability there. The only problem, as you already know, is that he may not be up to that. Therein lies the dilemma…

Some people choose, or are able, to leave. Some people have to make the best of a lousy situation. If you're going to be in a less than ideal situation, at least do it on your terms…. It gets less lousy that way.

With or without your H being a team player, enjoy your kids. This time really does fly, and those moments are precious- and the building blocks of your future relationships with them. They are the good things in all this.

Our summer has been very warm so far. DD and I try to get out in the mornings when it's cool enough, but we've been enjoying a lot of indoor activities this summer.

One piece of news from here is that H’s counselor “resigned.” He's under the impression that she left the practice, but he's had very little change in the two years he's been in counseling; ethically she may have been obligated to step away from his care. I'm not going to put that thought in his head though. The practice offered him a new counselor, and he declined. It's doubtful it'll make much difference whether he's in counseling or not. Honestly, a lot of times the counseling sessions seemed to be sounding boards that just bolstered his ego, so it might be better if he's not going. Time will tell…

Hope that you've been doing well recently, and have had lots of fun with your kids, friends, and yourself this summer.

What you say rings so true, especially about not bringing their share to the table. I was just talking to my H about this because he, of course, continues to fall into his usual pattern of screaming over nothing and engage in his victim blaming, i.e. acknowledging he is wrong to yell but then focusing more on how he is a victim and is triggered or whatever it is that day. Anyway, in the context of a conversation about this he told me that I "don't treat him like an equal". I just called him out on it and said that he is could be right and that is because he doesn't act like he's my equal. A lot of this right now is focused on him being on his phone and playing chess and being completely disengaged. He will often tell me and the children that he's going to stop playing chess but he never does, it is really an addiction type behavior for him, I do feel lucky it is not something more harmful than it already is.


I was just thinking to myself if that addressing his contention directly is more effective than discussing whether or not his particular perception is true. I thought about my therapist during this conversation and how my H's behavior really has nothing to do with me. So I told him, I don't think it matters what I say to you, you always feel like I am "picking on you" and that you are the "victim." And I believe that is the case. I don't want to fall into his trap of thinking oh, I must have acted a certain way towards him because he feels picked on -- instead this time (although it took a few minutes for it to click) I was able to tell myself "this has nothing to do with anything you've said to him" and I communicated that to him. And, more importantly, I am not hung up on how communicating that to him made him feel, instead I am happy with how it made ME feel. I think those things are the key to, as my therapist would say, making this situation "livable". She always emphasizes that with me, to do what I need to do to make things livable or manageable.

It totally does feel better to do things on my terms. I will say what you were saying about how your DD picks up on things herself is also starting to ring true with my daughter. She is the youngest and only 6, and just has started to tell my H things like "you never get off of the couch" or "why does mommy do everything" which doesn't make him happy, but it does remind me of a friend's description of her daughter and her husband's relationship where she said "my daughter likes me better because she sees her father is sort of just a lazy jerk." I am very struck by the fact that I have so many friends who are struggling with similar situations with their husbands. I think it is an interesting and difficult time, maybe it is the life stage.

In general this summer has been so fun for me and the kiddos, sometimes H adds to that and sometimes he subtracts.


That is big news re: your H's counselor. Will he get a new one? That's always the problem with counseling though, at least from my perspective with my H, he goes to counseling twice a month but you have to want to change your behavior or situation for it to change and my H so enjoys being stuck I don't think he ever will, so again I will just continue to focus on me and what is best for me at this particular moment.

Hope it is maybe a little cooler for you and you are able to take time to do what you enjoy!

—>And, more importantly, I am not hung up on how communicating that to him made him feel, instead I am happy with how it made ME feel.<---

Well said, and good for you.

It's weird how over time you can end up essentially losing some of your identity, and everyone in the house starts getting sucked into the black hole that is the disordered person and their disorder.

Occasionally, my mind still wanders into territory of things I could do that might help H, but these days it only lasts a second or two before my mind shifts to thinking about where time and energy are better spent- and it's not trying to fix him. It's on taking care of myself and doing things that potentially improve my life, now and in the unknown future.

If I could go back in time and change one thing, it would be to not get pulled into long, seemingly endless conversations that spawned from his disorders. It was so much wasted time that could have been spent doing things that were fun, more productive, and actually rewarding. Too often, those conversations ended up being a vehicle for him to blameshift things onto me. I didn't know better. It honestly felt like I was trying to do the right thing for him, but I now see that it could never have changed anything– and it was very detrimental to me. If he were receptive to change (or capable of it), and wanted our lives together to be better, he would already have been on that path on his own.

Worse yet, in retrospect DD was profoundly, negatively affected by my efforts. Even if she wasn't present, it solidified an attitude in the house that he was in control, even if it was so covert that it appeared unintentional. I wish I'd learned to disengage, and expect an adult conversation (or said my piece and left) rather than allow it to become an endless round and round event. That may not apply to you–- it seems like you are doing well about being in your own sphere- but that's my regret, fwiw. Keep living a proactive life, and don't set a bad example for your kids by mistreating yourself, like I did.

—>it is really an addiction type behavior for him, I do feel lucky it is not something more harmful than it already is.<---

Right? Isn't that a strange thing, that instead of expecting him to be good and engaged, and basically a functional husband and father, we're just glad it's not something worse? It makes some sense when the option to walk away isn't the best option, but also recognized how messed up that is on some level.

Maybe this is what a midlife crisis looks like for that generation? I, too, am surprised at how often I meet people with similar situations, and very often in the same age range.

H’s counseling– I don't think he's going to go back. It's easier to convince yourself that everything is okay when you don't have to be challenged on a regular basis. For as ineffective as she seemed, she may have actually kept him a bit steadier. Over the past few weeks, he doesn't seem quite as stable- he's just all over the place mentally and emotionally– and even physically. It makes you wonder if he'll eventually just repeat the cycle, and get to the point of having another nervous breakdown. He's also seemed more physically unwell recently, so as always, who knows where the truth lies? It took a long time, but I accept that his problems are well above my paygrade. The level of help he needs isn't going to come directly from me.

—>my H so enjoys being stuck←-

That's not really funny, but I laughed out loud. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Hope you and the kids are continuing to have a fun summer, though it's probably starting to wind down at this point?

DD is getting nervous about college classes, but I'm guessing she'll enjoy them once she gets used to the new routine and location. Since the college is only about 10 minutes from home, it means we'll have lunch together most days. I'm looking forward to that!

I'm jumping into this one....

My wife and I first entered counselling in about 2004 or 5. It was because of her post partum depression and issues in our marriage.

Then again in about 2008.

Then steady from 2010 to 2013 with the same counselor. All along, there was something else I was supposed to be doing, something I was messing up on, something I was failing on, something that was in the way.

She alternately blamed me for her lack of a career (we moved away from her employer to a smaller town because she wanted to be a SAHM and we needed to find cheaper housing to do so), to her false starts at an education (three diplomas and two degrees between 2010 and 2020, none of which she finished), to her health issues (NVM that I attended a TON of doctor appointments with her, and became the family cook exclusively for about 10 years as she tried various exclusion diets), to being that she couldn't get support from me (despite paying for daycare WHILE she was home so that she could look after her health and mental health for two years, then again while she was in school online despite all the kids being school age)

I ultimately found out, via this board, and my marriage finally crumbling (and me nearly going insane) that there exist disorders where people appear vulnerable, and use mental and physical health conditions as a reason and a way to manipulate, scapegoat, and control the family.



Where am I at in life now? I'm just over 10 years older than you, with kids that range from teens to 20. The kids are no contact with their mom for over 1.5 years. We're doing good. It's incredibly hard, but we're doing good.

Step on this guy. Set some hard boundaries and expectations. Don't accept blame.

You're effectively a working single mom now. You WANT a family life. So did I, immeasurably, to the point that I gave myself away. But six months after we separated, I found myself thinking, "What did I lose? I lost the HOPE of a family life. But in acutality, I have more time, more peace, and healthier kids than I've ever had before." You're in the same boat.

RDMercer

Hi, I realized it has been awhile since I have been on here. This is just the result of the madness of back to school, not some big change in circumstances. Things are holding steady here more or less. The usual ups and downs. I do enjoy having productive meetings with my therapist where we work on me and what I need to be happy. My H continues to focus and worry about himself. His business is struggling somewhat right now and that never helps anything. But, as I have said before, we just have different philosophies in life where he likes to focus on problems and doesn't want to solve them, more just likes to sit in unhappiness.


As my therapist says, I am very "practical" and logical so I tend to focus more on, "oh that's hard" but "what can be done about it". I don't think I quite realized back in the day how much those differences matter.


Do you think very much that the physical issues go along with mental ones? I have seen that with my H that they tend to go hand in hand. I do like the philosophy of the issues being "above my pay grade". Also because it is so true. How is everything going on your end? Hope you are holding steady!

It's good to see you back.

Also good to know that you're doing well, and continuing forward with personal growth.

Of course, there was a part of me that wondered if you packed the car, and headed for the hills…

And another part that worried if you were okay- though it doesn't seem like he manages to get into your head enough to put you in a bad mental space for very long?

Anyhow, it was good to see your post pop up.

Isn't it odd how people can fall into types that are either interested in solutions, or interested in problems? My H dwells on his problems too- they've essentially become his identity. He manages to get a lot of attention with his ongoing problems too- from medical staff, some coworkers, certain family members, etc. There's probably not much motivation for him to give that up at this point.

At least as problem solvers, we can continue to move forward and grow in meaningful ways. You are absolutely right about what a difference that mentality can make, especially over the long run.

Someone looking in at my life from an outside perspective might not see it as much different than it was a couple of years ago, but I've grown quite a bit as a person. My headspace is a completely different place than it was just a few years ago. Particularly what I'm not willing to tolerate, how I care for myself, and being more proactive in general. I hope you are able to track your progress in a similar way. It's all slow and steady change, and presumably leading somewhere better eventually.

Physical issues are definitely an issue for H. He was always someone who had an idealized vision of himself, but not necessarily in a narcissistic way until things started falling apart. Then he couldn't adapt and adjust to health changes and aging. It's like he can't handle life anymore because it's not some perfect and ideal standard. In all fairness, his physical issues can be pretty significant, but that doesn't mean that life (his and/or mine) should revolve around that alone. You work with what you've got, because we all have to do that, right? In his rigid mind, that only applies to other people.

That doesn't mean I don't feel badly for him, or have compassion, but we all have limits of how much we can give before it becomes too detrimental to ourselves and living our life.

How are your kids doing? Do they like school? It's always hard to get back into the grind.

My DD is struggling a bit with adjusting to college. It's very different from high school- she misses being around her friends throughout the day. Going to a class, then coming home between classes, and the reduced time actually spent at school, are still strange for her.

Since she's not ready to drive (which is fine- traffic can be scary here), I'm her ride, which chops up my day in a new way, but it's enjoyable too. The days definitely don't drag, and they're interesting with her bouncing back and forth, and being here more of the day. Can't complain too much.

Keep on keeping on