Almost a year and still grieving

I am a male, 34. Last year, my girlfriend and I separated after 7,5 years being together. The last 3 years of our relationship were rough and more or less toxic.

I still miss her every day. She was my first love. I always hoped things would be better and we would be happy again. The first months were very hard. I hoped by now the pain would be better, but it's still there.

I have tried dating other women, but I still miss her. It's very difficult to move on. Somehow, I still hope she will come to my home, apologize for leaving me, and wanting to start fresh again. But that never happened and probably never will.

I find it difficult to find new hobbys, meet new people. I still think about her a lot. Moving on is really hard. I have a therapist who supports me, but she cannot take away the pain of missing someone.

I am not as bad as one year ago, but I still feel sad most of the day. And I feel like I wasted so much time. And as I'm getting older and older, I feel like life is going past me and I'm not living it.

Because of this sadness, I have started antidepressants again, but they are not working yet.

I know that mourning takes time. And that with love, there can come hurt. And most days, I can manage. I go to work, do my groceries, cleaning, self-care, sleeping, etc. But sometimes there are days, like this weekend, were I'm lost in sadness and rumination. Where I cannot let go of the past.

Hi @Helmus I am so sorry you are still sad and missing your girlfriend. That sounds rough.

What I have found is that all the losses are interconnected like the underground root system of plants. When I experience loss in one section of my life, it is like the whole system of roots are activated and I feel grief.

The good news is you have a routine started and that can be a help. I find when I have a routine of reaching out to support others for example on this site, it refocuses my attention on the fact others are suffering too.

The most difficult thing for me to let go of is the belief that I had true happiness in a relationship that is now gone. When I write down the things that went right and also all the things that went wrong, or that caused discord, then I start to see that my own exaggerations and idealizations of the relationship are a big part of why I still feel grief.

With my mom dying, I listed all the things I felt grateful for but I also admitted to myself all the times she was overbearing and or controlling. She did the best she could struggling with the mental health challenges she faced. I still grieve but in my mind there is less of a story idealizing that relationship. I see things in less black and white terms. It is not easy and I am trying to take a longer perspective.

You are right, anti-depressants can take a long time to kick in fully. Hope over the long term you see improvements and less symptoms. @CANDC

Thank you CANDC for your reply. It's really appreciated. You are right about idealizing the relationship. I for sure do that. It can be reassuring when you know other people are going through the same thing. For that, I appreciate this forum. But in the end, I'll need to find a way to get over her. I know I will at some point. And I have a therapist helping me as well. Hopefully the pills will work soon.

May all that ypu do be blessed.