I Think I Learned Too Late:

So, @Open Eyes, how are you doing tonight????

Today was a good day...

And today, I'm totally overwhelmed

I'm so exhausted of being on this roller coaster.

Ok, this means you need to identify what is triggering you to feeling good and then feeling unsafe or low.

Well, not being able to purchase a home on my own income is frustrating.

I'm trying to think positively, but its tough with so much going on in my head.

Understand, yet now the realestate market is extremely inflated especially in CA. Add to that the challenge you have where properties you contributed to financially were put in someone else’s name so you were basically just paying rent and have not built equity

So now you are facing challenges, yet you are not alone with this as many do not invest in property ownership and just rent.

My daughter bought her first home where she was able to rent the lower level and that helped pay the mortgage. She also rented a bedroom with shared use of kitchen and bath and living room. Again that helped with the mortgage. She eventually sold that home because of how great the market got for sellers.

Now you are going to learn how you can do fine in an efficiency so maybe you can look into a property that you can rent to art of it to pay the mortgage. You have to establish more credit yet and try and save as much as you can.

Fortunately, my credit score is in the high 800's and I have zero debt.

Ok, so I am truly a bundle of emotions here of late.

That’s good 🥰. See if you can conserve and save enough for a down payment on a property you can have a part you can rent. Idk much about CA realestate other than it’s very expensive in some areas. Saving as much as you can may even end up where you move to another state.

Keep an open mind. 😉

It's tough. The cost of living is ludicrous!!!!

Now, having said that, I've been to areas where the cost of living was lower and I wasn't happy with the amenities.

I loved Charleston South Carolina.

Yes, cost of living is very high but in some states people are fed up and are moving to other states. Minimum wage gets raised but cost of living goes up so no getting ahead for those individuals.

I lay In my bed on the floor, missing my home, my backyard, my bird feeders, having someone curl up next to you at night, being comfortable, u guess I'm missing a lot of things...

The problem with what you just stated along with what you have shared is that which you deemed as your home was not. Instead it’s in your wife’s name and she sees it as hers. And she doesn’t cuddle with you, that’s an illusion. Instead she is cold and distant in her own world using you to pay bills on HER home.

Can you see this reality? You miss the illusion.

You have said how you saw things as joint/together owned. Well, that’s not how your wife sees it.

Ya, I see it. I'm missing the stability of a home more than anything.

I think one of our human flaws is in how we perceive stability. I used the term illusion with you and was not sure how you would react and that can create a deeper subconscious challenge

I myself had to face some realities that very deeply challenged me. I unknowingly loved and trusted my older sister way more than I should have. I paid a very heavy price and even now I am still working on recovering from the reality I faced about her.

I miss the person I thought she was, I miss the closeness I thought was there. I really never imagined the reality of what I experienced with her. I gave her qualities that were not real but more of a projection. This is very common, so much so that people can think of a character that an actor plays as being the character of the actor. In reality we associate the feeling we experience of this person in character.

I noticed how you tend to fashion a persona with your poetry. You did this with your wife. You tend to serenade her like you are creating her identity. The problem is this is not really going to change her as a person. Yet, when you do this you are creating the positive emotional in yourself. This is common in poets and musicians. It’s a part of their own soul that they share.

Dolly Parton is amazing when it comes to this. Dolly shares a lot of soul even in hard times. Dolly writes the lyrics and the music. Not all artists can do that. For example, Elton John is very gifted, yet he doesn’t write the lyrics. That being said once the lyrics and the music are all together he sings and performs it as though it’s all his own.

You get inspired through visuals and from that you spin a creation. It’s real to you, yet it’s within you, not in the person that inspires. In short you are a bit of a hopeless romantic. When you try to give another person this part of you, it’s YOU that IS and not them.

It's not fun being me.

Today, I just really wish I could run away

I have experienced that myself. It’s part of grieving and personal growth. Growing pains are real.

You have to step up and love yourself. You can learn ❤️