I Think I Learned Too Late:

Yes, that's true, but since i am being evaluated or "graded" over past behavior and not present, i am totally convinced that there was no possible outcome other than ending our relationship, because three years ago, i couldn't react to situations like i do now.

Since she refuses to evaluate me on my present emotional capabilities, then i have no regrets, because i subsequently cannot change our future if i am not given the opportunity to do so.

Its sad. I wish there was an alternate ending.

But, look what we accomplished!

A huge home paid off in only 7 years.

Major remodels

All cars paid for.

Less than $5,000 total credit card debt

Lots of acerage property owned outright.

Go ahead and hate the time i invested in my job, but without that massive, cash income, none of this would have been possible....

I guess your wife is judging from where she is at now and not so much where you are at. That tends to happen at the ages you both are at.

I think so. She told me today that she felt that our marriage of 8 years was "totally finished" about 4 years ago, but she didn't know how to end it and couldn't afford to survive on just her own income. So, we stayed together and kept working towards our mutual goals.

I knew something was wrong, but didn't know how to fix me. Eventually, i had a spiritual awakening and was gifted with this incredible awareness of myself and my surroundings. I started going to therapy and things really started improving for us.

However, according to her, by this time she was just exhausted and was "over it," so we never really got the opportunity to enjoy the improvements.

She told me today that she believes we fulfilled a "soul contract" to learn from each other and that once the contract was fulfilled, it was time for us to move on.

We are both in so much better places now than when we met. In 2014, we were both broke and living with friends/relatives. Today, we've achieved incredible goals together.

However, looking back, there were things that just didn't "feel right" between us. She never really loved physical intimacy - she tolerated it. She blames this on a hysterectomy, which is probably a very good possibility. But, nonetheless, i found myself constantly settling in every aspect of my married life and being told it was "her way or the highway," which this tough, little thing used to say often.

We were meant to be together only for a season. I see that now and i am understanding that this is an evolutionary process.

We met, we grew together, we grew apart and now we are moving forward, as separate individuals.

I was devastated when she sent me the cold, heartless breakup text, but now, i understand it.

We have now both prepared each other for the next journey of life.

Things i have learned from this:

Never compromise your feelings and beliefs for anyone else, no matter how much they tell you that you owe it to them.

If they hate or feel threatened by something you love, walk away from them.

When a relationship becomes a one-way street, or a "my way or the highway" affair, walk away.

If someone is not wildly attracted to you, keep them in your life as a friend, but don't get romantically involved with someone who may only see you as friendship material. (I've done it)

Dating or marrying people with drastically different ethnic and educational backgrounds/beliefs is a receipe for disaster.

Ive now done this twice

Be honest with YOU. So many times, i changed what i wanted to better fit my partner's goals/desires. I only cheated myself.

Beware of Hypergamy. Never reveal exactly what you do when you first meet someone. I work for a law firm, but im also a musician. I never tell anyone i am anything other than a musician, male or female - instant filter.

Never remain silent when something eats at you or doesn't feel right. I spent 8 years feeling like this and its not worth it, no matter if the girl is perfect in appearance.

If you can't find a woman who checks ALL the boxes, don't settle. Just stay single. I know so many people who seem to feel obligated to marry, so they find the best average.

My wife was, to me, a perfect 10. I couldn't find fault with her physically. Emotionally, we didn't match up and we just had very profound differences that made our life a challenge.

Be honest with yourself about what you need.

Don't wait to go to counseling

Getting stronger.

Excited to see what the next chapter holds for me...

In post # 45 you seemed to have finally learned a lot !

( Btw : when I refer to " women " here I say it in general OR personal terms. )

NEVER give yourself up totally to anyone. You stopped growing a long time ago because all you cared about was her.
There's a lot I'd like to say but I just want to mention the main points that stand out to me , ( based on personal experience).

1. Women will cut you off from sex usually because they found someone else more interesting , OR , they go thru hormonal changes after a certain age and/or physical changes due to surgeries etc..
( btw: If you lost certain hormones , you , even as a man , wouldn't give 2 sh*** about sex. )

Women tend to think of men as "children" as they feel they have to be your " mommy " as well as your wife in certain circumstances.

NEVER trust a woman to take care of YOUR finances as you'll wind up paying for your own divorce.

Once she doesn't need your " protection " anymore or becomes financially independent you are disposable.

There's just one more thing I want to say , for now , and that is I get the feeling that you care too much about " the other person ".
In turn , neglecting your own personal growth.

We picked fruit from our garden together last night. It was fun. I have always been able to make her laugh, and still do regularly. We worked on one of her websites together, which was also fun.

She commented last night on how ironic it was that we are forced to stay with each other right now because of the financial situation.

She feels like our relationship was the product of a "soul contract" and we we're brought together to teach each other things about our inner selves, and now that we have both completed that training, there's no further need for us to ge together.

I'm not much of a mystic, but i can accept her position on this.

Interesting points and i appreciate you posting to my "journal."

Fortunately, for us both, everything is protected by a long-standing legal separation. We both have all our own assets and we are choosing to stay together at present to allow time for one very large deal to close. We will divide assests after that deal matures.

I'm still learning.

One thing i learned is love for me cannot be "killed" by the other person's actions.

Well I think there’s a lot of stereotyping here which is perhaps outdated. Plenty of women successfully take care of finances, don’t need a man protect them, not only are independent but are often bread winners..

Now are there women who are fully dependent on men for no good reason-no young children at home etc? Yes, absolutely. Are there women who use men as financial tool and work horse. Yes, of course.

I think the trick is to not settle with such women. I don’t think the message should be “that is how women are”. Then men pretty much doomed. It’s just not the case. Just choose wisely

You can live separate lives and choose to still be friends. You can still love someone as a person and not continue having a marriage relationship.

I love my wife very, very much and i like her as a friend, but I do not feel the desire to continue an active friendship with her once we have settled the finances. She found this a bit puzzling, but to tell me you haven't had any feelings of love for me for several years, but stayed because my income was needed, without ever actually saying so until 5 days ago, doesn't qualify for friendship material in my book.

She's moving to the east coast, and i will remain here in the west, so an active friendship would be impossible anyways.

Good point...

My feelings of grief are giving way to my plans for the future. All the things i gave up to make time for her, i can suddenly enjoy again.

Today marks 7 days since i was told i existed only as a means of financial support.

How are you guys doing today?

Hope you are all doing well.

Be blessed.

A beautiful, sunny day...sitting outside a Starbucks by the fountain.

I just walked into a church for no reason at all.

Back at work today.

I’m sorry that was said to you. It’s pretty cold hearted, can’t blame you for feeling hurt.

It did hurt me. But, I'm trying to get past it. I have just always believed that we could accomplish anything and i knew i loved her enough to get past anything, so the finality of her decision to quit us is really hard to accept.

My therapist told me she was very proud of my response because it showed a lot of growth. I responded to "i no longer love you but only need your income" with a simple, "I Love You."

Im happy that I've evolved into a much kinder, gentler person, even if i feel uber-vulnerable right now.