I Think I Learned Too Late:

I’m sorry, please don’t beat yourself up. Paying attention to your own behaviors that can be a challenge to others is something you can improve and work on changing. You can’t chang others.

I'm felling better today. Much better.

Well, the A/C went out upstairs and its 89°F in my office....LOL

Yes, you mentioned it in the thread above and I also thought that it must have been hugely disappointing to hear and yes, in hindsight it was a very sobering response.

So, last night, my wife told me she wanted to plant a lavender bush outside the front door. Our topography is lots of rock, so i knew, that to do this, meant driving a star drill through pieces of solid rock and pull out the pieces, all the while avoiding the fiber optic cable and the sprinkler pipes.

I told her, "let's do it tomorrow night." (My usual answer to household chores)

It was 100°F when i got home tonight at 6pm. My wife asked if i was hungry and i ssid, "Not yet. I need to dig this hole."

I've procrastinated a lot in my past and i decided to do the opposite. With a hammer and a star drill, i started breaking up the rocks. The sweat was dripping off my face, but i broke through and made a 8 inch hole, 12 inches deep into which the bush fit perfectly.

My wife asked me, "why did you do this right away?" "You always put things off, then forget about them."

I said, "I'm keeping my word and I'm training myself to be the perfect husband for a wife someday. I won't have to ask her out, or pursue her. She'll notice me and she'll see my value, whomever and wherever she might be, but it all starts with a better version of me..."

Then, i watered the plant, put the tools away and im having a glass of ginger ale before taking a shower.

Here's my toughts right now.

I'm flawed, but I'm willing.

I'm broken, but I'm worthy of love.

I'm nothing that anyone wants....right now.

But, in time, the right woman will see my heart, she'll read my poetry, she'll see me as someone she can feel safe with.

I will rise above this, and im not waiting another minute to drown in my sorrow.

I'll rebuild the empire of my soul and my queen will come to me.

Good Morning. Its a beautiful day....Hope you are well.

So, i guess i made a mistake....again.

When i said that i was so happy how i changed my response to planting the lavender bush, she said,

""That’s your ego talking, Ego based living.
“Look at me” “Praise me because I did great “
Over and over and over again.
Ego wants to be praised.
Get out of that way of living!"

So, she has repeatedly labeled me a "Narcissist" because i seek input, or praise, as a way to improve my performance.

I found this online:

"Narcissists rely on praise and admiration to gain a sense of emotional stability that they did not receive in the past. Accumulating these compliments not only satisfies this but also fuels their grandiosity and ego..."

This has really got me thinking that i need to realign some of my personality traits.

Being dumped destroys your self-esteem and it makes you so unsure of yourself to the point you question every move.

Life sure does throw me some curves....

Everyone has an ego and “some” narcissism.

People who are toxically narcissistic feel empowered when they hurt others, they will lift a block just to say hurtful things and then put up the block again. Toxic narcissism is deriving a sense of power by hurting and belittling others.

If you have ADHD, there can be challenges with temper, procrastination, and sensitivity to criticism and often negative self talk. But it doesn’t mean you are a bad person.

I'm not mean at all. Lots of negative self talk. Some ADHD.

I'm so holding on for some kind of silver lining here.

I got a great job, im a decent guy, and i just cannot believe this happened to me. I'm really struggling with this today.

Bummed out today....fighting back tears.

Do you have something you can join or do that gets you out with other people so you are around her less?

I do play in a band every Saturday

What kind of music? Do you do vocals?

I am in a hard rock band right now, a Judas Priest Tribute, but ive sang many different genres.

Narcissist is a word that is grossly overused these days and is often employed as a verbal weapon. That is how your wife used it on you.

I appreciate your perspective on this.

This is where you went wrong and why you got the response you got about your ego.

You did not plant that bush to please your wife. It was more out of spite where “ if you don’t love/want me then I will prove I can do this for someone else.”

I hope the hole you dug is not just a hole in rock. The roots of the bush need room and healthy soil to expand as the bush grows. The roots will need nutrients from the soil for that bush to stay healthy.

Same with relationships. Can’t do out of spite and the heat and the sweat will mean nothing if the task doesn’t leave room for growth and nutrients.