I Think I Learned Too Late:

I just need some to hear me. I feel so invisible and the pain that im feeling is almost unbearable. Before i can jump.into what's happening right now, i feel its important to tell you about my history, behaviors and things i have done to contribute to these situations.

I grew up an only child and im now 57 years old. Over the years, i developed a kind of "inflated ego" to cope with my constant feelings of unworthiness. I've always had a quick temper, but get over it fast and i have never been physically abusive to anyone. I have some narcissistic traits of craving/needing approval, but I'm also terribly shy. I was described as ADHD as a child, even though it wasn't widely known in the 1960's.

I never dated as a ypung person in highschool because ofy involvement in auto racing. I never asked a woman out on a date. Instead, i preferred to see who showed interest in me first, to avoid awkward situations.

I was married at 19 (got my GF pregnant) and she left me with a 2 year old after an affair with her boss. I did not date anyone for 5 years after that. I met someone a few years later and we started dating. We got along ok, so we moved in together.

Around this time i enrolled in the police academy and became a police officer, which i did for a total of 20 years. I would also serve 6 years as a U.S. Navy Reservist.

She put a lot of pressure on me for us to get married, so i thought, ok, why not? We were married in 1992 and the week after we married, she quit her job and never worked again. I struggled with two jobs to try and make ends meet. The pressure was immense and after 13 years, i just couldn't take it anymore.

Foolishly and after years of no physical intimacy, a woman 15 years younger than me showed some interest in me and we began talking. A relationship developed and we were together for 10 years. I supported here while she attended colleg. The first 2 years were ok, but she soon became very controlling and manipulative and the relationship deteriorated. She would also become enraged and become physically abusive, then not remember it.

One night, i secretly recorded video of one of her explosive rages, when she literally destroyed our home. This paid off. When the police arrived to arrest me for domestic violence, i showed them the video and a non-prosecution report was taken. After 10 years, i left, but helped maintain a home for her and our son for 8 months. This divorce totally broke me financially and i literally ended up living on a male friend's sofa, trying to rebuild myself in 2012.

After some time, about 2 years later, i met a truly wonderful woman, totally by accident. She was kind, liked my poetry and i fell in love for the very first time in my life. She was physically my perfect woman and checked all the emotional boxes.

We married and it was the first and only time i asked someone to marry me. Every other time it was because it was "the right thing to do." Getting married to her was the most exciting event of my life.

We rented a tiny home up in the mountains and our life was perfect. Those first two years were the best years of my entire life. When i married my wife, i gave away a part of me i had never given away before and because of this, i was about to cause myself unimaginable suffering.

With my wife in charge of our finances, and both of us working, in only 3 years were were moving into our own home. At almost the same instant, we found ourselves helping out her adult son get back on his feet and we got custody of two children (one of mine and one of hers) from Child Protective Services, after they had both been abused.

Things got stressful and i just wasn't able to handle it properly. We started having severe behavioral issues with my 8 year old son from a previous marriage. He got kicked out of school for violent behavior, and would eventually spend time in a boot camp for trouble youths and in mental health residency programs. When he was 10, he physically attacked my wife and i was forced to allow him to return to his mother.

I'll stop the timeline for a moment now at November 2018

Looking back now, i see where i had worked outside the home so much that i had no parenting skills. I didn't see this at first, and i would blame my wife for my inadequacies.

I would get upset when she would ask me to do things around the house that were outside my skillset and i felt that watching a YouTube video on how to do something meant i was an operational failure as a man, husband and provider.

I was absolutely convinced that all of this was not my fault, but in reality it was. I was totally blinded to this fact.

About this time, my wife was going through spiritual awakening. I didn't understand it, but i supported her and i kinda tried to follow along.

In October of 2022, we stopped making love and my wife said that even though i always made her climax the focal point of every encounter, the emotional pain could no longer be offset by the orgasm. This really threw me for a loop, because i had lived years without sex in two marriages. My worst fear were again becomming a reality and i still didn't understand why.

For a while, like always, i didn't accept responsibility for my actions and how they were affecting my wife. My wife had become very empathic, and my inability to understand and assume responsibility for my actions was killing her spirit with negative energy.

We used to go on walks and i would ask her questions about why she felt a certain way or why things happened a certain way and all she would say is, "if you can just hang on until March, things will be ok." I though that was such a strange answer.

Finally, on March 01, 2023, i had what i can only describe as my eyes being opened. I suddenly saw everything i had ever done and blamed someone else for. I became physically sick. I was totally broken emotionally. I immediately sought counseling which i had previously rejected.

Things started to improve for us dramatically. I became calmer, more at ease with life, i became ok with things i had to watch a YouTube video to accomplish, i made headway with my counselor on taking responsibility for these negative traits and learning positive coping skills.

My wife and i have always got along well, still sleep together and still cuddle, but we ate not sexually intimate. We wat h movies, go hiking and really enjoy each others company.

A few days ago, we were working together in the house and i asked here this question. "Honey, do you think we will ever be close like we were before and not just two people combining their incomes?"

She said something i can't recall exactly, but it was something along the lines of time will continue to heal and the process takes time.

This past Sunday, while driving up to visit my elderly parent's, i got a text from my wife. It read, "i have searched my heart and soul and there is no love connection left in this for us. We are only together for the two incomes. I realized that this morning. Sorry but I want to be honest with you and with me."

I was crushed...literally, i felt pain that i had never felt before.

I pulled over and reied, "Wow. I'm speechless. I know you've been through a lot. I'm sorry too. I love you."

I didn't contact her again until i got home the next day. Everything was great as usual, she greeted me, we hung out, watched TV, made t-shirts and it was a very enjoyable time.

We eventually had a conversation. She told me that it was wrong for me not to be able to enjoy a sexual relationship and she immediately released me from my vows so i could be free to find someone to enjoy physical intimacy with.

I was shocked. Abd i told her, "I'm in love with you and i can't turn that off and i don't want other people. I want us. I've been a pain in the ***, but I'm loyal."

She acknowledged that, but said our only real option is to continue combining incomes until we can settle some business ventures. She also agreed that she wanted to keep me on her mefical for as long as i wanted and se offered to give me part of an upcoming legal settlement, even though we've had a legal separation in place for years to protect her assests.

I agreed and we enjoyed the rest of our evening.

Last night before bed, i told her this, "Honey, i love you and i know I'm not fully healed, but I'm willing and I'll keep changing. I hope i can make this time we are together so great that you'll want to keep us together."

She answered, "I'm just not sure you can re-awaken my heart."

So, here i am, doing my best to function at work, an wondering what the furure holds.

Forgive all my spelling errors. Im getting used to a new phone.

How old is your wife?

She is 55

I'm so sorry about what you are going through, and wish I had something wise or comforting to offer.

It sounds, at least, that you are growing as an individual. Even if it's not for her, it is still good for you and whatever your future may hold.

My heart hurts for you. You have obviously been through a lot already and this may be another difficult time.

Are you still in counseling? That seems like it could be a blessing right now?

Yes, im steadfast in my commitment to therapy and healing. I've never felt hopeless, broken, until now.

I was so excited to come home and see my wife and we sgmhatef the triumphs of our day. I picked nectarines for her.

Everyday i ask, "What can i do to make you smile today?" Today, it was nectarines from our tree.

I believe in my heart, despite the harsh coldness of her words, that there is still something there. Maybe its a foolish thought, but i believe that all i can do is make each day beautiful, and eventually, she will feel safe again.

There has never been infidelity. Only my negativity and anger over simple things.

I know that i caused this and i will spend whatever resources i have left trying to change this outcome, even if don't survive.

Nothing could replace what we had

I guess that i am having such a difficult time accepting this.

My family - elderly parents and adult children - all love her and are very close to her and I'm stuggling to find a way to explain it to them in such a way that doesn't reflect negatively on her.

Her adult son is very close to me and her 18 year old daughter, whom we have raised since she was 10, is also very close to me.

I invested everything into this wothout any safety mechanism and i never imagined us not being together and living on opposite sides of the country.

When women are in their fifties they age in different ways and they have to come to terms with slowly losing a youthful appearance. Most women don’t want to talk about it but they do feel they are losing themselves. It’s not unusual for a woman to start not wanting sex. They can develop ways to distance so they don’t experience the uncomfortable feelings that come with aging. There is a strange powerless feeling the woman doesn’t want to experience and doing certain things or talking about it becomes unpleasant.

You are 57 and could experience a younger woman as many men do. It’s not the same for a woman. This creates a sense of vulnerability that women find very uncomfortable. This can be so uncomfortable that a woman may desire ending marriage as a way to escape.

Society tends to be very cruel when it comes to aging women even when they try to do things to retain a more youthful look.

I'm just lost. In so many ways.

I do understand what you are saying and for well over a year she has encouraged me to find a sexual partner so she wouldn't feel pressured into lovemaking.

When i asked her to explain this, she said that we are best friends and get along perfectly. If i had someone that could fulfil me sexually, then that would take pressure off of her.

But, being in love with someone just doesn't allow one's heart to accept anything like this.

At 58, (I'm 6-3" 205 pounds) my sexual desire is greater than it ever was, but its also a very complex thing in that i like to start an encounter a few days in advance with romantic poetry and the focal point of every session had to be her climax. I crave her climax more than my own because it means that i did a good job.

My wife told me once, " why you work so hard? Sex is just a feeling. You get horny, you f**k. That's it. Nothing else?"

But my entire world changed on Sunday with a single text. My elderly parents, who adore her, don't understand what's happening, my children don't understand and i am very aware that i do not want her reaction to my past behaviors make her be cast in a negative light.

Everything i worked for...everything we worked for...gone in an instant.

I'm reeling from this.

She is 5'4" 135 pounds with enhanced breasts (this was done before we met) and a perfectly flat, toned stomach. Everyone tells her she looks to be in her 40's.

But, is what you are saying is correct, then she could feel as you have described regardless of her appearance???

It's puzzling, because things had been going so great between us (I'm even willing to say that i have learned to deal with no sex) and we have fun, hang out, she cuddles with me at night, when i get home, we immediately share how our respective days went, she hugs me, and then on Sunday, boom....i am only with you for the income.

She told me something recently. She said, "I'm fine with zero sex. When i say i have no desire for it, i mean the act itself. Its not you. I don’t want sex at all, and i know that I'm hurting you by keeping you here thinking sex will return. I don't want romantic love or any of that I'm fine living like that."

Oddly, in her breakup text, she didn't say any of this, just that "there is no love connection in this for us any longer," and how can you just suddenly stop loving me???

I almost feel that she's trying to "break me" and force me to leave, but even that doesn't make sense, because we both discussed - and agreed - that our finances do not afford us the opportunity to separate and we agreed to keep combining incomes going forward, at least until a few of our business deals close anyways...

She just explained to you how the sex isn’t the most important part. Yet you also stated how for you it still is

Nature is actually part of this so that males can still reproduce even when older. Childbirth was always a major risk for women. It’s only been fairly recent that the risk has been significantly reduced.

Your wife has been trying to tell you that her interest in sex at her age or stage of life is pretty much nil. That’s why she said that if you still want that in your life to get that need met elsewhere.

The more i try to make sense of this, the less i understand.

My biggest concern now is where I'm going to live. I signed away my rights to all our real estate purchases, so I'm literally starting over from scratch.

That’s a common and genuine concern. Many stay married due to how hard it is to manage on one income.

I told her that she could absolutely depend on my income until her deals close, at which time she can make the move to South Carolina that "we" had been planning on.

Over a year ago, i asked her why she married me.

She said, "Because i saw your potential. "

I don't think i can ever get over that.

Looking back, i know my behavior - my anger over small problems, frequent complaints, low vibrational frequency and negative energy just destroyed her spirit.

Do you think you have untreated ptsd? Being
A police officer and being in the service can create trauma challenges. Have you seen someone that is qualified to diagnose?

You may have ADHD and not know it. Many adults are being diagnosed for the first time because it was not diagnosed when they were younger.

Im certain of it. My therapist is helping me to address it.

PTSD? I'm not sure.

Counseling appointment at 1:30pm today.

Lack of patience can be due to ADHD which can lead to having anger issues. The same is true for PTSD. There are things you can learn to do to gain better control.

My counselor told me that what she sees currently is past behaviors that are still being measured with an "old ruler."

I showed my therapist the break up text and my response, "Wow, I'm speechless. You've been through a lot. I'm sorry too....I Love You."

2 years ago i could not have responded like that.

I had a student who’s father was a police officer. He told me that his daily life was always dealing with angry people. I never thought about it until he said that. Most don’t realize the amount of stress and negativity these officers face daily.