The guilt of leaving someone without means

So I have been married for 12 years, I'm 37, and we've been together for 15 years. In all this time my husband hasn't worked at all. I have built us from the ground up in a foreign country, adapting to the culture and learining the language as well.
Besides that, I've been responsible for all our finances, I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. When he has a bad day he takes it out on me or he stops talking to me for days, weeks or even months. If I ever speak my mind and tell him something is not ok he has just the right words to say and he always makes himself out to be the victim. I am aware that this is a form of emotional abuse but I have only recently come to that realization.
So finally after so many secon chances I have decided to tell him I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. He stopped talking to me again for a few days last week because I didn't want to go out with him at the exact time he wanted so the next days I went to work and lacked the mental focus to deal with work stress like I usually do. That was the drop that filled my glass and I realized I am destroying my life in this relationship. I have had burnouts, been chronically depressed, had panick attacks etc. because of this toxic relatioship.
When I told him about my decision of course he blamed me for being checked out for the last few months. I need connection in order to sleep with him and slowly that connection has slipped away with every little or big disappointment. For example, I work full time so my schedule is stressful and all planned out. He threw a tantruma few months ago because I didn't want to watch some show with him because I just wanted to relax for a few hours. Sometimes he sleeps all day during the weekend which is the only time we have together. I asked him to vacuum once a week at least because we have 2 pets, he said he'd do it and it's been months with just me cleaning the whole house on the weekends. I ask him what plans he has and he just says he never has any plans.
Anyway... sorry for the rant. He blames me of course as usual because I didn't sleep with him in a few months.
I also asked him if he wants to stay in the apartment or if he wants to move away. Again...no plan. His income is not enough to pay for the apartment so his only option is to go live with his parents, whom he hates.
What scares me is that today when I asked him what his plan is he said I should just wait 2-3 days and I will get everything I want. Should I be taking that as a threat? I'm a little scared and I don't want to leave him on the street but he is again completely closed off. He even said there's no point in talking to each other. He is very desperate at this point too.
I feel guilty and worried...

Hi @Arual welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are having problems with your husband. It sounds rough on you.

I am sensing from what you say that he is laying a heavy guilt trip on you. I am not sure but it may even be at the point of "gaslighting" and narcissistic behavior. I am not dieagnosing him just mentioning that this type of manipulation reminds me of people that exhibited this type of behavior.

Are you concerned for your safety? I am not sure what his threat may mean " should just wait 2-3 days and I will get everything I want." It couild be a threat to harm himself in some way or it could mean something else. I am concerned that you have a safety plan to get away quickly if things start to go downhill. A safety plan can mean having emergency numbers on your cell phone, having a bag packed in your car with essentials and paperwork that is vital like ID cards, credit cards, computers, government documents proving citizenship, visas, and plans where to go.

This may sound extreme but you are dealing with someone that is making veiled threats that are directed to unknown people and they have a history of blaming you and doing things to hurt you verbally and emotionally.

I have concern for others too, but you are not responsible for him. He has created this desperate situation by his actions, speech and inaction. The important thing for me is that you stay safe. If that means moving out, then if that can be safely done, it is well worth considering.

Another suggestion is to get a therapist when you can that specializes in either trauma or dealing with narcissistic behavior. It can take professional help and time to work through all the trauma one has been through in this relationship. If he carries out the threat by harming himself, this will be even more needed in my opinion as a peer.

Hope you get the support you need. @CANDC

Hi @Arual I found this article that talked about some of the things I mentioned in above post.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/manipu...8943c5828a978e

You're in a tough situation for two reasons. Firstly, you do care about him, as your thread title reveals. Even if the romantic love has completely withered, you are concerned because he's been utterly dependent on you and seems unable to cope. Secondly, in a state of desperation, he may be dangerous . . . to himself . . . and possibly to you.

Believe it or not, I've been through a situation with some of the same issues. Wait till you hear the parallels. We had been a couple for 12 years, living together for 7. He was an alcoholic who worked part-time, sporadically. He couldn't really support himself alone. By himself, he couldn't afford our apartment. I simply couldn't take the drinking anymore. He was very helpful around the house and did most of the cooking, which he did well. I still loved him. He wasn't violent. His drinking went in a recurrent cycle. When he was at the part of the cycle where he came home stumbling, falling down drunk every 2nd night, I hated being with him. He'ld be insulting and looking for an argument. Then, next day, he'ld be remorseful. On his good days, he could be lovable. I was sick to death of the cycle. So I found an inexpensive apartment and moved out. I was heart-broken and feared loneliness. After 2 days in my own place, I was so happy with my decision. Being alone in a peaceful environment was so superior to what I'ld had to put up with. I did continue the relationship, but would have nothing to do with him when he drank. Finally, I had some control of what I did and didn't have to put up with.

I would advise you to consider getting a different apartment for yourself. If you stay where you're at, you'll have a harder time making him accept that you are finished with the relationship. He'll very likely keep showing up at your door. He'll always consider that apartment to be his home too. That's what happened when I previously had gotten my boyfriend to leave. I had even given him the money he needed for the initial expense of a place of his own. He ended up losing it, becoming homeless and showing up at my door. I didn't have the heart to not let him in. But, once I got a fresh start in a place of my own that he had never lived in, I knew I would never again feel I had to let him in there.

My story had a happier ending than yours will. Two years later, my guy stopped drinking and we became a close couple again. But I was never going to be forced to live with drunkeness again. My decision to leave him had been one of the best decisions I had ever made.

In your case, you are married. I would advise you to first see an attorney to find out what legal obligations you might possibly have toward him and what possible claim he may have on assets of the marriage (such as savings.) Also, you want to be sure you don't incur any liability for any debt he may rack up. If he harasses you in some way, the attorney can best advise you on how to legally constrain him from bad behavior. If his parents are reasonable people, you might want to tell them that you will be terminating the marriage. Get your ducks in a row first.

I can't think of a single good reason why you should stay in this marriage. At age 37, you are still young enough to really build a new life for yourself. There is the potential of finding a new someone, with whom you could have a normal relationship. What's likely to happen to him is sad. His life is ruined by the kind of person that he is. He probably would qualify for some kind of a psychiatric diagnosis, but that's not a reason for you to have your life ruined by staying with him. He'll never look for any kind of help, while he has you meeting every one of his needs for physical support. Staying in this marriage would be like offering yourself up on an altar as a sacrifice, all to maintain a man who has no regard whatsoever for you. He's strictly using you. When you leave him, he will fall apart. Let the social safety net be what he can rely on. At least he has parents. It's too much for you to be his sole source of support. There are alternatives. Let him figure them out.