"I need to do this alone"

Hi everyone,

Been in this relationship for two years now (both 36) and things were great until last June when my SO was promoted. Since then, slowly stress took over her. First we delayed permanently our desire to move in together, then she slowly became distant when it comes to intimacy. She reached a level close to burnout. During this period I was trying my best to be supportive, but without any luck, she couldn't see I was there for her. I didn't try to fix things, just been there. Sure, there was a frustration building in me also because of that, because we reached a level where she couldn't stay 1 minute hugged in bed with me. After yesterday being awful, I confronted her, told her some things like she needs to understand she is not alone in this and I have feelings too and this is not doing any good. We've been talking about this since Christmas because we failed to enjoy our vacation. So, after a talk, she said: She needs to get better on her own, as much as it hurts. My heart sank. I left her appartment with my things and she didn't try to stop me. So here I am, crying my eyes out.

A little background: there isn't someone else and never was. She is fighting some sort of depression, almost tried to end things a decade ago. I am saying some sort of depression because she doesn't have a proper diagnostic or she never told me. She is doing therapy, but I don't know if it helps her, I've never seen any type of progress since we've been together, so either she is not taking the advices or the therapist is not helping her that much. She is not taking any pills from my knowledge.

I understand what she told me, I really do, but she let me go, she didn't put up a fight and it hurts.

@PeterPa I am so sorry to hear about the breakup you just went through. That sounds so sad.

You did this in a classy way. You did not fight and squabble about it or get down on your knees to beg for more time. You respected her wish so you can acknowledge how maturely you faced this difficult situation. But it still hurts.

Would you consider a therapist for yourself or a support group for relationships that ended? Another idea is to reinvent your purpose in life. It sounds like you were trying to help her and stand by her. Now the role has changed.

Maybe you could reach out to her by email and ask how she is doing unless that only opens up the wound.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

@CANDC

Thank you for your input.
For the moment I am still perplex.

She did not reach out the whole day, our last exchanges were that I reached out in two hours like a fool asking how could you let me leave? And she replied: are you trying to make me feel guiltier that I feel or make me think again about what I've said? I replied: I wanted you to realize I am going and I feel like you let me go. She didn't reply anymore, just seen.

So at the moment, the sadness is slowly transcending into anger. Anger on the situation I am right now.

@PeterPa
when my partner does not do what I want I feel disappointment. If I let that grow and grow it can become anger.

Anger is dangerous. That can really end your chances of reconciliation. She admits feeling guilty so not sure where that will go, but in my experience if I let that anger grow until it explodes, that ends all trust and may cause serious harm to the relationship.

One way to deal with feelings of anger is to write in a journal all the expectations you have of the relationshiop. Then see how unrealistic some of them are.

Another thing to consider, when someone is depressed, often they want to isolate. Not interacting with others seems to be less painful than socializing.

CANDC