Divorce or Not

I just joined this group and I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thank you in advance.

About my wife and I--We have been married almost 13 years and together 16 years. I'm 45, she's 39. We both have our Masters Degrees and good careers. We also have two sons that are 6 and 9 years old. I have general anxiety and take zoloft for it which keeps it in check. My wife has ADHD and takes meds as needed.

My wife and I are currently experiencing a very difficult time in our marriage. My wife recently has stated she wants to divorce and sell our brand new house that we built two years ago.

I don't want to divorce or sell our house. I'm always in favor of repairing relationships, which like everything in life has highs and lows. Over the years we have been together she has said she wants a divorce multiple times, yet we continue our relationship and seemingly get through things ok to the point that we still take family trips, spend time with our families move to new houses, etc. Because of this I arrived at the mindset that her mentioning divorce is an idle threat, something she has used when stressed or when we are arguing.

This time, it seems to be real--but, then again I'm never for sure, which isn't good for my mental health to be so unsure of where we stand in our marriage.

She also cheated on me about two years into our marriage and I found out. She had been having an affair for 3 months and I saw text messages. We got through that and continued to move to new houses and had our second child.

I guess with this new push for divorce on my wife's part, I'm scared, confused and questioning my own sanity at times. I don't know what to think or believe since she has mentioned divorce many times over the years, cheated on me and sometimes has emotional ups and downs (I think due to her ADHD). I'm not perfect either, but I'm pretty chill in my personality. I'm also fearful of how all of this is and will impact our sons.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts please...

You mention your wife takes meds as needed for her ADHD. Does your wife consume alcohol or other drugs like marijuana ?

Well welcome to msf

I’m not sure what to say on the divorce front. My divorce was a necessity. Would she be open to counseling? You could bring up your concerns and have a third party mediator. My daughter is 40. She and her boyfriend have been in counseling since oh, I don’t know, 4 yrs ago? They only go once a month now but it helps them over the humps of this modern world. They were very close to splitting up when my granddaughter was a baby. But they are doing better than ever now.

Hi SoulBlissGuy, welcome. Ugh that's hard. I really feel for you. I am fairly recently separated after 16 years... so I wouldn't give any advice, because what would I know? However it has caused me to reflect deeply on a lot of things.

This seems like an obvious question, but outside of the kids, why do YOU want to stay together?

You have quite a problem because it sounds like your wife does not take commitment all that seriously. I know I'm basing this on scant information, but it also sounds like she is unusually quick to entertain divorce as an option - sort of like, at the drop of a hat. This could be the result of immaturity. Or it could be due to her having a mean streak whereby she thinks throwing out this threat gives her more leverage in the relationship. That's not a nice way to manage conflict.

I say "immature" because what we all need to learn in a marriage or committed partnership is that there will be ups and downs. Anyone we live with is going to get on our nerves from time to time. No two people will be always on the same page. Maybe she got married, thinking it would be one, long continuous honeymoon. The frequent threatening and then changing her mind strikes me as childish.

How you deal with this is the big question, and I don't know that I have any great suggestions. She's thinking that the grass looks greener on the other side of the street, which it can do, although usually that's an illusion. Counseling might be worth a try. I don't think that will change her coping pattern. But I would leave no stone unturned in trying to prevent divorce. It sounds like you guys have intervals wherein you do have success in this marriage.

You haven't said whether or not she has stated exactly what her big beef is. Maybe you could discuss a bit about what issues seem to be in play here.

I believe a couple has an obligation to young children to strive hard as they can to give the kids a stable home. Divorce is awful for kids as young as yours. There are cases where divorce is less awful than staying married, especially where chronic infidelity, domestic violence, heavy substance abuse, or extreme financial irresponsibility is going on. I'm not hearing any of that in the case of your marriage. Maybe she just gets bored. Meeting commitment and handling the mundane responsibilities of everyday life does get boring. That's reality for all of us.

I don't think ADHD is the main driver of your wife's mood shifts or marital dissatisfaction. I suspect she has unrealistic expectations. The threats she keeps throwing out are indeed driving some anxiety in your mind. Maybe you need to be a little less chill. She may be just trying to get a rise out of you. Sometimes getting upset can be healthy, but that's tricky.

I've not offered much advice, but maybe I've thrown out some ideas on defining the problem better. Divorce, IMHO, is somewhat tragic. Especially for kids. I hope it doesn't come to that. However, if she seems serious, quietly get yourself some legal counsel. (You need not even tell her about you doing that.) I've heard that attorneys often advise men against leaving the home because that can be interpreted as you abandoning the marriage. You have jointly owned assets and need to protect your stake in those. I hope this upset settles down.

No, she doesn't really partake in alcohol or THC products. She isn't consistent with her ADHD Meds though, which could possible cause her emotional ups and downs.

Thanks for the reply and I'm also sorry to hear about your recent split. I think I want to STAY together with my wife because I see the potential positives are still there in our relationship (spending time together, date nights, trips, fun activities), but I we are at a really busy time of life where we both have busy jobs and our kids are both in elementary school and in all kinds of sports and activities--plus we have two dogs. So, I'd like to stay together because I feel the things we love about our relationship are still within our reach but we just need to make a little time for "us". Maybe counseling would help too--we tried it once and it didn't really work because my wife made it into a competitive thing. Also, I enjoy being a family unit with my wife and our two elementary age sons. I think however my wife has moved on mentally--long ago. Currently I'm worried, worried about the many next steps--telling our kids, selling our current house, finding a new place to live I can afford and house my kids, shared custody, etc...

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. It's hard to answer many of your questions--I've been with my wife for 16 years and married for 13 and often times I feel like I still don't know her completely, like I"m still trying to figure her out. Based on my experiences, knowledge and experience I feel like her ADHD does drive most of the unpleasant behaviors I listed in my initial post (gets bored easily, has seemingly endless energy, turns everything into a competition, holds grudges, verbalizes EVERY good or bad thing on her mind, etc.) Her beef with me/us is still a mystery to me somewhat. We had a talk a few nights ago and I asked her why she wants a divorce and she simply says she isn't happy and doesn't really elaborate on it--she says it's the same things as always, we don't communicate well, we fight all the time, etc...even though we do communicate fairly well and we DON'T fight all the time. She likes to be "the boss" and I feel like the last few years I've challenged her more in this department and she doesn't seem to like it.

I'm sorry because it sounds serious on her part. Selling a house can be stressful. I hope she realizes that any man she gets involved with will never love your kids the way you do. Women sometimes imagine that they'll find a great romance, and the guy will love the children, like they were his own. It can be hard to love someone else's kids. (I know that first hand.)

I don't know what advice to give beyond - get an attorney. You should each have your own lawyer. I'm sorry for the children. This situation is not sounding hopeful.

Hey again Soul. It sounds like you see a lot of great reasons to stay together. I am glad.

One thing I would say is I wouldn't just dismiss is your wife's saying she wants a divorce as idle threats. One of the hardest things is being able to recognize when how things are for the other person are not the same as how we want them to be. You wife may legitimately not be happy, but she may have been trying and trying for years to make it work because of all the reasons you mention. That doesn't mean there is no hope! But don't dismiss it when she communicates something to you. Because she is communicating something.

I get the feeling you are a decent guy who is trying so hard to make this work and do what you have to. You are focused on keeping your family together, and trust me I REALLY get that.

But, the reason I asked my original question "outside of the kids, why do YOU want to stay together?" is because its really important to understand if you stayed together and nothing changed, would you be happy? If you were being really really honest with yourself.

And the answer to that question is so important. Because if the answer is no, then that's where you need to look. What do YOU need to do for/with/to yourself to be happy? It has to be about you, not her.

I don't mean you should divorce. I don't mean you should be selfish (well I do a little). I mean if you aren't ok with you, then its much harder for you as a couple.

Keep talking Soul!

Why does she keeps saying she wants a divorce? This reflects that there is something in the relationship that is not working for her.

Have you both explored that? From your post, it seems not - i.e. she says she wants to divorce, nothing changes and life continues.. I would not say this is an idle 'threat'.

Take it seriously and explore the 'why' and IF anything can change. Someone doesn't 'threaten' divorce out of nowhere. Something clearly is not working out for her.