What would you do? Need your advice.

Please bear with me. I am dealing with some things and need someone to tell.

I am on the fence about whether I should split from my husband. We are giving counseling a shot soon. We've just had so many problems: me dragging my feet in decision-making, my family influencing my decisions, boundaries with my family, expectations of each other - all even before we got married (even the very night before our wedding - he wanted to kill himself because he was so stressed from my negative emotional dumps during wedding planning). Before that, I had a feeling about breaking up, but I stayed because I saw how good he was to me.

Still 1.5 years later, we are having the same arguments, same fights, same stressors. One of our biggest fights was two weeks ago. He called me really horrible things (out of extreme anger). Each fight, he threatens divorce, calls his parents

Last summer, he got into an argument with my sister about her disrespecting him. She denied that it was offensive and laughed it off. During the trip, which was incredibly chaotic because of my mother's outbursts as well, left everyone on edge. My husband and I would argue in private, and he'd beg me to have some time to ourselves. That's where I messed up.

I come from an enmeshed family. I also have a disorganized, avoidant, fearful attachment style, and emotional dysregulation in times of crisis. I have trouble communicating my needs because I don't even know what I need. Prior to that life-changing argument with my sister, my husband had wanted to jump off the balcony because he was so stressed from the demands of my mother, and rudeness of my sister. I reassured him that everything would be okay. He was in distress and I abandoned him. I felt paralyzed because I loved him but couldnt find the courage to support him.

Fast forward from that trip to now. My sister and I haven't talked for about 9 months. We text about me picking up the nieces and nephews. We text about uncoupling financial things. My mom has pressured me to apologize to her. My husband to apologize to her. My stepdad has encouraged me to have a talk with her. My mom's emotional state has also affected his mental health because he can't calm my mom down, she's "lost her daughters" and now I feel soooo guilty that I feel like they are headed for divorce. It would be my fault that they split. Now, my stepdad is visiting his own mother out of town for awhile, away from my mom.

Vfydyuhkguf6fivovov I am losing my mind every day. I feel numb and can barely see. I cry every night. I have developed bags under my eyes. I can't see myself anymore. At work, I can function as a teacher. But deep down, I feel miserable and cry during my prep times.

Future family events are ruined. We didn't even spend Christmas with my mom. Now graduation season is upon us and I have to decide if I can go to my niece's graduation ceremony and make the drive by myself (I am blind in one eye and can't drive long distances).

I'm not sure where to turn.
I am not sure which direction to go.
If I'd let my then-boyfriend go 4-5 years ago, maybe things wouldn't be this bad. He wouldn't have to carry all this with me. And he'd be better mentally. Maybe I'd be somewhat better mentally. I let him down so many times. I broke him. Feels like we are broken beyond repair. I know he loves me but sometimes it's hard for me to trust.

I feel regret for hurting so many people. I feel stupid for wasting so much time and not listening to myself.

What would you do?

I would encourage both you and your husband to each go to individual counselling with a good psychologist.

You are enmeshed and have guilt.

He threatens divorce/suicide.

Clearly you're unhappy...

If it were me, I'd probably move away from family and work on myself... alone.

The issues you list have a lot to do with you. I wrote this in your other thread in relationship forum, but I think in addition to couples therapy, that you need individual therapy. Your issues require therapy, but necessary changes you need to make will not happen overnight. The biggest is learning how to create strong boundaries with your family. That's #1. Family stress that is external to the relationship is a relationship killer. I dealt with that with my ex husband's enmeshed family, and it drove me up a freaking wall and caused an inordinate amount of stress upon ME personally and US as a couple. You've got to learn how to stand up to your family, or at least to not allow them to become a stressor in your marriage. That''s not fair to your spouse. Sure, when we marry, we also marry our spouse's family, but only to an extent. Our level of involvement with a toxic family is totally up to us, so that's on you to resolve, not your husband, you.

Get yourself into individual therapy asap to address your issues, is my best advice. Best wishes and I hope things do improve!

You seem to take responsibility for a lot that you are not really responsible for. That's like putting a load of rocks on your back that you really have no obligation to carry. Plus it saps your energy to no good end. It's like you think you have to make everything alright for everyone. If that's your goal, you can look forward to a lot of failure. Wanting to make everyone happy does not make you a good person. It makes you foolish. You are wanting the impossible.

Your husband is emotionally immature. That's a reasonable conclusion for me to draw when you say your husband was ready to leap from a balcony because your family were getting on his nerves. It does sound like you have a family that would get on anyone's nerves. But threatening suicide over it is immature and manipulative. You cannot control your husband's depression and suicidal thinking. You're not responsible for his unhappiness.

You do have a responsibility to work with your husband to not be over-involved with your family. He is your immediate family now and your first priority. Saying you're "enmeshed with family" is not a good excuse to not set reasonable boundaries between them and you. I hope the counselor can help you see where you may need to distance yourself from Mom and Sis.

You need to ask yourself why your family has so much power in your life. Often it has to do with money. Your husband and you are starting out and probably don't have much materially. Your mom probably is more established and can give to you. Maybe she pays for the family trips you go on. Ask yourself if you depend on her financially in any way. If the answer is "no," then that makes things easier. Then it's just a case of you being too much in the habit of revolving your life around your mother. That's a habit you can break. Unfortunately, your mom will want to punish you for becoming independent. She will want you to feel guilty that she is not happy. She's had years to brainwash you into thinking that you have a responsibility to please her, no matter what. You don't.

Your problems are deep-seated and serious. I don't think divorce would solve everything either. Stick with the counseling, and see how you might change your approach to relationships . . . with family and with spouse.

I'll bet your husband came from a very troubled family himself. Clearly he has no idea about how to manage his relationships with others, like dealing with in-laws. That has its roots in how he was raised by whoever raised him. Something was very wrong on that front. Give that some thought.