Bottom of my world dropped out

Well.... Where do I begin. I'm 36 years old and my wife is 38. We have been together for 14 years and married for 10. We have 2 beautiful girls aged 8 and 10. We are currently separated for the last 2 weeks. I've moved back into my mam and dad's and she is stopping in our home. I just feel completely lost and empty. I thought I was a good husband and I've got soo much love for her. The issue is I became so focused on being a dad and prioritising the kids that I lost sight of me and my wife. I stopped spending time with just me and her and did everything as a family. As a result she told me that she felt alone, unloved and abandoned. I will never forgive myself for this. I found her texting some other bloke because she was obviously so alone and fealt so unloved she was trying to get that from somewhere else (even though he's a married man with 3 kids) and I can't blame her. I just couldn't see the wood for the trees for some reason and so I left because I found those messages and now after 2 weeks, I've asked her if there is any hope for us and she said she didn't see a way back. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for this, how could I have been so stupid, I've got so much love for her I'm absolutely dying inside. What also hurts me is that her parents are so lovely and loving towards me and I'll never have that kind of relationship with them again. We are both being very amicable and I can see the girls as much as possible but I just can't stop thinking about her, she is giving me the silent treatment with regards to small talk about me and her but is fine when we chat about the kids. I'm just in absolute bits and don't know how I'll get through this. I just keep thinking of how close we were before kids and even after our first we were still ok, we would make a date day and stick to it but when our second came along, that went out the window

@Banzaiman welcome to MSF. I am so sorry that things are not going well with your wife. That certainly must be disruptive to your whole lifestyle.

Having kids changes the nature of relationships. You sounded like you dealt with it in a mature way but doing things as a family. I am sorry that she does not recognize and accept the changes that come with children.

I do not see how you blame yourself, except I did the same thing when going through a break up. "What could I have done differently?" I kept asking myself. I really never found anything. I just eventually reinvented my life.

Hope you get the support you are looking for.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Wow... My friend you are carrying all of HER guilt. My wife and I have raised three kids and now have a grandson. As stated above, having kids completely restructures how the husband and wife dynamic works. Why? For all the obvious reasons that now you have two children that need your undivided attention. I'm thrilled you were putting so much time into the kids. Where was she in all this? My wife and I experienced the same deficits of feeling buried in the process and not having any "us" time. Absolutely NORMAL. We sat down and decided we would start working on date nights where we would get a babysitter and devote an evening just to us. It might just be for a dinner alone or perhaps dinner and a movie if we were afforded the time. It's amazing how little things like that offer some emotional pitstops in the process of raising kids. It serves as a reminder of why you got together and decided to build a family.

And honestly I'm at a complete loss for why YOU are asking HER for forgiveness. She's not only wrecking the home the two of you built, but she's working on wrecking another family with a different married man. Wow, does she have an empty conscience. I realize this is all fresh and you're still reeling from the sudden upheaval of her exit in your life. But I would take this moment and assess her values as a person and whether SHE was the one who gave this proper consideration. This was a very fixable scenario and her wandering off into the affections of another married man is not something you answer to. Those were her choices, not yours. And she not only ran out on you, but she traded in her kids on that assessment as well. What is she thinking this will fix? How will her kids feel seeing their mother walking around with a different set of kids who already have a mother? Too early to say that? Then why even go down that road if the end result was not attractive to her? Sorry... You need to stand your ground and most importantly stand up for your kids. Okay we can all say you are not guilt free in this, but I'm sorry we all make mistakes in our lives. Anything you've done here is fixable. What she's done is something much worse. She needs to own HER mistakes and realize she is walking away from a family she made with you, while working on destroying another one in the process. Saying she is "lonely" is honestly blaming the kids and that is a horrid guilt trip to place on your children. Way to go " mom". And if her parents endorse that kind of behavior, then they're either not seeing the whole picture or are not the people you thought they were. Stay strong and protect your kids. She's the one that needs some self examination right now.

It is not all on you. Yes, maybe you 'forgot' about her and she also could have voiced feeling alone.

It seems you are civil with one another. Is there any possibility to have couples' counselling with your wife? Or concretely make an action plan with your wife e.g. let's do this, plan to go out there, date night then etc. This way your wife sees action vs. words.

It *is* possible to get the relationship back on track, as there seems to be love here.

I think you are way too quick to take on all the blame and to idolize your wife as the spotless victim. So now she is messing around with another woman's husband all because she is just so starved for luv. Please. I'm sorry, but I don't know why that narrative is what you choose to believe. Maybe you think that, by taking all the blame, you'll have a better chance of winning her back. I doubt that will work. She'll just have less and less respect for you because she sees you don't respect yourself. Stop assuming you know all about her motivation. Of course she's crying victim and blaming you. That's her shirking responsibility.

I think you made a mistake leaving the home. That's your home too. Those are your daughters who don't have their dad home with them where they need him to be.

Wanting to forgive your wife could be a good thing. But it doesn't have to mean you condemn yourself. She messed up. That's forgivable. But you don't have to engage in a bunch of twisted thinking to justify her. That's not necessary. She got bored with her life and tried to make it more interesting by doing something not at all nice. By any chance, is she somewhat immature? That's what this sounds like to me. Her parents may be part of that problem also. I think you would have done better to stay home and tough out this whole situation. If you love her, consider going home. I think that's your only chance to save the marriage. Just walk through the door and say you are staying there. Don't do too much talking. If her texting that guy comes up, just say you are putting that behind you in the past . . . and you hope she will too.

Groveling at her feet will absolutely not make you more attractive to her. It will make you seem like you have no core, but just an inner vacuum. I'm truly am very sorry for the awful situation you are in. You're on the verge of losing so much . . . . . . but I think you bolted headlong and prematurely into making a physical separation happen. I've known marriages that survived wanton infidelity and went on to be good and strong unions. It took the partners growing up a bit. But they did it. Your wife needs to do some work on herself. Try being there for her. Talk less. Listen more. It's only been 2 weeks. Go back. Don't bring up the other guy. At some level, your wife is probably embarrassed. Some things are better NOT talked about. Don't pressure her for any explanation. Go back and act like it never happened. Maybe you'll live parallel existences for a while, not touching or being close. But give it time. You both may eventually move on and put this in the past.

As someone who assumed a ton of responsibility for the kids and was ASSIGNED a ton of blame for a failing marriage I wholeheartedly agree with the posts above.

How dare you be an involved parent!

Give. Me. A break.

Unified teams figure this stuff out together. Her choices matter in all this too.

Any time I did see my former spouse show an interest in the kids, my love and desire for her grew.

And since being separated, I’ve come to find out, an awful lot of women appreciate a man that’s a partner and an involved parent. I’m not saying I’ve been dating since being separated. I haven’t. Im saying a LOT of women have voiced wishing they had an involved-parent for a partner.

I would question….. If you were LESS involved with the kids, would THAT have then been a reason to have distance??? Because you weren’t a partner??

RDMercer

She probably lost interest in your because you seem to be a pushover? Just a thought? If she's going to go and cheat because you're spending too much time with the kids...

To be honest, I think me confronting her has stopped anything further from escalating between them. However, I've asked her to go to counseling to save the marriage but she doesn't want to. I think I've hurt her soo much. It's basically emotional neglect. It hurts so bad that she's willing to throw 12 years away. Her defence is that this didn't come out of the blue, I believe they call it walk away wife syndrome. Yes there were signs, but I'm a bloke, I'm not a mind reader, when she told me she was unhappy I assumed I needed to do more around the home, cooking, cleaning etc. she wanted us to do more things together not as a family, I think maybe she has an unrealistic expectation of a marriage. She's 38 and I'm 36. I know for a fact I will be looking for her in everyone I meet. Once we decide what to do with the house I'll need to save as much as I can to buy my own place, I've never lived on my own before, me and my wife rented for a year, then we got married, bought a house and had our first child in a year. It moved fast but it felt right as it's what we both wanted and I can't even begin to explain what a feeling it was, to find someone with the same values, dreams and morals as yourself. I'm starting to see a councillor now so I'm hoping that's going to help

Well that escalated quickly. Went on a 3 day holiday with her and I've just discovered she's sexting and meeting up with the bloke she claims had nothing to do with. WOW I think moving on when your angry is way easier. She was dangling me along like the, we are separated now and we are both single but we'll not get divorced just incase this affair doesn't work out. FFS I hate myself right now, I gave her the benefit of the doubt when she said there was no one waiting in the wings she wasn't seeing anyone else. She can go to hell

Yeah that's not surprising at all. Her "sudden" jump from the marriage and calculated "outrage" to try and place cause on your shoulders was all formulated as a cover for her own infidelity. In short, she used the classic deflection argument (to create a villain) so she wouldn't have to accept responsibility for her intentions. She's a coward. Cut her loose and start building a better life for you and your kids.