why does it hurt so bad?

Did I mention that I have BPD? (that makes these feelings 10x worse)

and I am going through one of the most painful breakups I've ever been through. I am a 27F and my 33M partner left me because I lied to him for two years about what I did in my past. My partner when we first met, when I was trying to tell him about my past, would punch walls because he would get so angry with me for hiding who I was.

I know that the relationship was unhealthy. I lied and he had anger issues and would take it out in front of me.

The worst part about this is that I had to be honest with my family about what was going on. I had to tell them about the monster that I was.

I've been in DBT therapy for a year now and regular therapy for 3, and have made excellent progress, I just think that before I got my diagnosis and before I could get help, the damage had already been done to the relationship because I didn't get help until we were a year in and I learned that all the lying that I had done to protect him and myself was going to be the thing that tore us a part. This entire thing is my fault.

I came clean about everything that I lied about and he couldn't handle it and felt so mistreated that he left.

My BPD makes me feel everything, like my skin is on fire, and I am hurting so much. I feel like a monster. I never cheated on him, I never stepped out on him, but he feels that I have emotionally cheated on him and he will never come back.

When will these feelings of absolute agony pass? When will the crying spells go away? Why must we suffer? Why did I do this to myself? I want to be better, I am desperately trying to be better? Will anyone ever love me again? Can I even survive to tomorrow?

-devastated

That sounds so difficult to handle your partner's reaction @kittlesonhr - sorry to hear they could not handle the mental illness or its results. Some people just do not know how to handle it. That is sad.

I have had to have some self compassion for myself. I did things that I would not have done if I had been totally balanced and not in pain. That is not an excuse but I was a victim of mental illness too. I want to avoid victim blaming myself. I am willing to make a new start.

Hope you get the support to help you get through this difficult time.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

Time does heal broken hearts. It can for you. During this time - when you are deep in grief for your lost relationship - I think you need to sort out what you are and aren't responsible for. You sound a bit confused.

You have no obligation to tell any boyfriend about your life prior to meeting him. I wouldn't recommend lying, but some things are best kept to ourselves. Even in a committed relationship, each party has a right to some privacy. I don't know what exactly your boyfriend is reacting to, but it seems to be about things you did in the past that you are not proud of. It also sounds like you have reformed yourself and are not doing anything right now that you need to feel apologetic about. So him rejecting you now makes me wonder if he really loved you.

In the long run, this boyfriend you've been with may not be a good match for you. The anger probem is concerning. Him getting furious with you does not automatically prove you are totally in the wrong. You may be judging yourself too harshly. I think you are saying that you misrepresented your prior history to your boyfriend. Just how offensive that may have been depends on a few things. For one thing, it depends on whether or not you were deceiving him in a manner that cost him something.

None of us can change even one hour of our past. If you treated someone wrong, you have a duty to make restitution as best you can. That's all you can do. If you're living a reformed life, that's what counts now. You just do the best you can to be fair toward others as you go forward. If you're doing the best you can now, then no one has the right to be hostile toward you for your past.

I think you'll recover from this loss sooner, if you don't put excessive condemnation on yourself.