why does it hurt so bad?

Did I mention that I have BPD? (that makes these feelings 10x worse)

and I am going through one of the most painful breakups I've ever been through. I am a 27F and my 33M partner left me because I lied to him for two years about what I did in my past. My partner when we first met, when I was trying to tell him about my past, would punch walls because he would get so angry with me for hiding who I was.

I know that the relationship was unhealthy. I lied and he had anger issues and would take it out in front of me.

The worst part about this is that I had to be honest with my family about what was going on. I had to tell them about the monster that I was.

I've been in DBT therapy for a year now and regular therapy for 3, and have made excellent progress, I just think that before I got my diagnosis and before I could get help, the damage had already been done to the relationship because I didn't get help until we were a year in and I learned that all the lying that I had done to protect him and myself was going to be the thing that tore us a part. This entire thing is my fault.

I came clean about everything that I lied about and he couldn't handle it and felt so mistreated that he left.

My BPD makes me feel everything, like my skin is on fire, and I am hurting so much. I feel like a monster. I never cheated on him, I never stepped out on him, but he feels that I have emotionally cheated on him and he will never come back.

When will these feelings of absolute agony pass? When will the crying spells go away? Why must we suffer? Why did I do this to myself? I want to be better, I am desperately trying to be better? Will anyone ever love me again? Can I even survive to tomorrow?

-devastated

That sounds so difficult to handle your partner's reaction @kittlesonhr - sorry to hear they could not handle the mental illness or its results. Some people just do not know how to handle it. That is sad.

I have had to have some self compassion for myself. I did things that I would not have done if I had been totally balanced and not in pain. That is not an excuse but I was a victim of mental illness too. I want to avoid victim blaming myself. I am willing to make a new start.

Hope you get the support to help you get through this difficult time.

CANDC

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Time does heal broken hearts. It can for you. During this time - when you are deep in grief for your lost relationship - I think you need to sort out what you are and aren't responsible for. You sound a bit confused.

You have no obligation to tell any boyfriend about your life prior to meeting him. I wouldn't recommend lying, but some things are best kept to ourselves. Even in a committed relationship, each party has a right to some privacy. I don't know what exactly your boyfriend is reacting to, but it seems to be about things you did in the past that you are not proud of. It also sounds like you have reformed yourself and are not doing anything right now that you need to feel apologetic about. So him rejecting you now makes me wonder if he really loved you.

In the long run, this boyfriend you've been with may not be a good match for you. The anger probem is concerning. Him getting furious with you does not automatically prove you are totally in the wrong. You may be judging yourself too harshly. I think you are saying that you misrepresented your prior history to your boyfriend. Just how offensive that may have been depends on a few things. For one thing, it depends on whether or not you were deceiving him in a manner that cost him something.

None of us can change even one hour of our past. If you treated someone wrong, you have a duty to make restitution as best you can. That's all you can do. If you're living a reformed life, that's what counts now. You just do the best you can to be fair toward others as you go forward. If you're doing the best you can now, then no one has the right to be hostile toward you for your past.

I think you'll recover from this loss sooner, if you don't put excessive condemnation on yourself.

@CANDC Thank you for your reply. Your words made me feel like I am less alone right now.

@Rose76 I am confused. But mostly I think I am scared. I am scared for the future, since we were planning to live together and my life just feels upside down. I don't know when this will end. I hope it does soon.

You are not alone. You are in this community @kittlesonhr. There are support groups you may bee interested in.

Type in search suipport groups for abandoned wives.

You also may want to see a lawyer and protect any assets like a house that may be in both names. You can go to the bank and if you have a joint account set up a personal account only you can access. Another precaution is to put a credit freeze on all three credit reporting agencie Equifax Transunion and Experiian in case he tries to take out credit in your
name.

If he has a key to get in you could have the locks rekeyed.

CANDC
@ [If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

You and your boyfriend have spent significant time together. Him walking out on you is a really big loss, given the plans you had as a couple. You wouldn't be human, if you didn't grief.

Grief is awful to go through. But it does not last forever.

I read a previous thread of yours and got an idea of the conflict between him and you. It still seems to me that you are taking more than your share of the blame. That will only make you feel worse. He sounds immature and insecure.

I just want to add that the pain of a loss like you've had does not last forever. It will ease up. That could take a few months. Longterm recovery will be helped by you looking at things in a more balanced way. You've put way too much guilt on yourself. If you were not 100% truthful with your boyfriend, it was only out of fear. A real man in love with you would not have reacted as he did. He's got some serious problems and flaws, which he probably won't just grow out of. Ten years from now, you may look back and see this breakup as a blessing.

I wonder what happened to the relationships he had before meeting you. I bet this guy had a pattern of rejecting partners because no one lived up to his ideal of perfection.

You will have other opportunities to be in a relationship. You need to become more mindful of what you need from a partner, rather than just focusing on trying to live up to the guy's expectations. Love is a two way street.

Everyone has a past and that guy could not stomach it.

And no, the damage was not done because you didn't get help immediately. The damage was done because you were with someone insecure, controlling and violent. That was never going to work.

He is judging you for your past, *not* the person you are/were with him. How on earth is that *yout* fault?

I am so sorry to hear this. I also have BPD, anger issues in relationships and want to break up with someone with BD. I fear he would be too hurt and I can't initiate anything because of guilt and fear.
I hope this will end well for you and the harsh feelings will calm down. Working on your health is great, and I hope the time will soothe the pain for you and him (he was wrong in this case, fear mustn't be present in healthy relationships).