Why I can't leave?

I have a boyfriend, who has been with me for the last eight years. I can't seem to leave him. He doesn't love me as I supposed, and we are different, but we are tied together. We have a lot in common, and he is my only friend now (others have left or moved away with the war). I am afraid of being alone because every time I left him, it was very painful. I don't love him as a man anymore, and building a family with him was a foolish idea. But I love him as a friend, and we have a big history together. We both have mental issues and anger problems, I have BPD, and he has BD.

I have no support and no one to help me leave him (now, I spent my attempts and failed). He is not a bad person, but he will never marry me (he said he would only if necessary, but I want a man who sees me as his partner and wants a child). We have both changed a lot, and he says he liked the old version of me more. I think, that girl was foolish; she made many mistakes and kept returning to him after trying to leave.

Also, I never looked at someone else before, but several months ago I met someone special. He went to the war two months ago, so not in my city. I think he likes me also, but we don't speak in messengers without reason, because it would be not fair since I am in a relationship.
My current bf appeared when I did this in the past (speaking with a new man being in a relationship), and things went just wrong after this. I want everything to go correctly now, my current bf should not love me or find someone (I did this before, found a girl and matched her with my ex, and it worked brilliantly).
I want things to go well for both of us because before when I left him with problems, I always returned. I have some sort of dependence.

It was very hard, these 8 years were a challenge for me. I left before too soon and wanted to work on relationships, but it's a dead end. When I left him before I was in such pain that I couldn't work and returned back when the money ended. I think money is a kind of issue, but the main problem is that I can't tear him off my heart. I was ok before when he said no marriage, we maybe won't have children, we should pay equally (when he doesn't do housework equally) and other things, but now it seems he just wants to live comfortably no matter what I think.

I'm in constact pain and fear. I wish I could find some help somewhere. Life with him destroyed in me so much I can't even try more to leave.
If there someone who had similar experience, please tell your story. I am out of ideas.

Going through some serious pain is often part of what it takes to make your life better. I don't think you should give up your potential to become a mother just to hold onto this guy. That's too much to give up, especially for a man you are not head-over-heels in love with. He wants to evenly split household expenses with you, like you and he were college roommates. Please. This guy is cheap, stingy and self-centered. Everything has to be what he wants. And you believe you'll be all alone forever, if you give him up. I don't think that's real likely.

Being from a war-torn part of the world can be a reason why you feel so pessimistic. You've had enough pain and don't want the pain of a breakup, which you've gone through before. You don't want to risk losing what little you have. Without taking a risk, you can't make your life better. There's no guarantee that you'll find someone much better. However, there's a real good chance that you will. You've already met someone you like a lot.

The honorable thing to do is to tell your current boyfriend that you cannot build the life you want with him. End that relationship, before you move on to something else. Accept the pain of loss as what will get you the possibility of a better life.

@Rose76 , Thanks a lot. You said something valuable to me. I am struggling, and I don't have much others' opinions on this. I am very afraid that I am not reliable and deserve only him.
I hope the day when I am ready to try the last time is soon.

It's all about deciding what you want and sticking to it.

You write that you ''can't'' leave him - this is not true. Nothing is stopping you from leaving, except you. You absolutely can leave him.. IF you wanted to. At present, you are choosing not to leave. So, it is not 'I "can't'' leave him' but 'I don't want to leave him'.

As long as you stay in a dead-end situation, you are denying yourself the opportunity of anything different. But at the end of the day, it remains *your* choice and what you want to commit to.

I lost all my connections and have no more money, so it is now complicated. I have no other place to live. I tried several times.
I really want, but I keep returning every time. So that is why I say I can't.
I just have no other place to find some answer. I feel fear every day and exhausted. I know I need psychological help, but can't afford it now.
I just wanted to reach someone. And find out I am still alive.

I have been in this place a very long time, so much longer than I should have. I kept hanging onto the hope that if I stay there would be a chance to salvage our relationship. I to said can't, and honestly we are still in the same house, but I am letting him go. Due to financial complications, walking out the door is not an option. But I have told him that I am falling out of love and I no longer want to share a room. I won't go into it all, but long story short, I have battled myself to leave him for more than twenty years. We had kids, I had no job, but in truth it was I who never left. I still love him sooo much and even though we are still in the same house I am grieving the loss of our relationship. I am learning that I too matter and I need to step away and take care of me. Eight years my dear is a long time. A lot of memories and emotions over those years. Letting go is unimaginable when your heart is telling you no. The pain is unreal and it is grieving when you finally let go. Standing firm is a constant battle. For me, I remind myself that I cannot change him and in all this time nothing has changed no matter how many chances I gave it. I have no friends, but with me moving forward maybe that will change. Honey, I hope soon you will move forward. Hold your breath and do what is good for you. In my experience time does not change anything because you hope for more and don't want to let go of the past. The man I once knew left me a long time ago and I have grieved him every day since. I have changed over the years as well, I just had to accept we are not compatible any more. Sorry so lengthy.

What you need more than counseling is an alternative place to live. In the midst of your country's upheaval, that may be hard to find. But you really need to try. Even a public shelter might get you off the bad trajectory that you're following.

The simple reality is that the two of you can not build a satisfying life together. Not when your goals are so far apart.

Frog4Life,
Thank you for your kind words and sharing. I feel that I am not alone in my struggles, and everything is complicated.

Rose76,
Thank you. You are right, the reality is about that. I am trying to look for opportunities.

I became angrier and cruel inside, and have thoughts I never wanted to have. I know it's my fault that I'm not trying anymore, but it feels like addiction. I used to harsh things.

It is very much like an addiction. The arrangement you are in has provided you with a measure of safety. You don't want to give that up. You don't see much in the way of options. Each day you think, "Let me just stay put right here for a bit longer. There's really nothing else I can do." The problem with that is the price you will pay down the line.

What seems like a solution for today can cause you big problems. Getting free of this man will open up other opportunities for you that you will never even know about, if you stay in the rut you're in.

You describe him as your friend, but is he really? He sounds cold. Between friends there is a degree of love. If you weren't splitting costs and providing him with sex, would he even want you around? Does your welfare matter at all to him? You say that you both have mental health and emotional issues. Beware of making false equivalences. Is he really giving you as much as he takes from you?

This is not about blaming you for anything. You are in the midst of bad circumstances. It's abnormal to not have family to lean on. It sounds like you have no one, except him. I understand you clinging to him. But what if he vanished tomorrow? Is there any kind of public/charitable agency that can place you in a shelter of some kind? Open your mind to all possibilities. What might seem like a step down might actually be the first step towards personal freedom and a chance to build what is rght for you. Life is not kind to those who give up and settle. Doing what is hard now could save you a lot of future grief.

I heard a lot. I was surprised that anyone said his opinion. It's vital for someone who doesn't have much. Thank you, I need to think about it. And maybe a lot, because I won't survive another return, I need to end this completely.
I wish I had a family. I tried to find one, and he is my only family now.

One time I wanted to leave him, he admitted he couldn't appropriately calculate the effort from both sides and makes too little. But later he didn't remember this.

IDK. I thought I would never be involved in such a situation. That's making me think I deserve this. Like we all deserve what we get.

@volsinchy, I agree with @Rose76, it is easy to stay just a little longer, give into the fear of leaving. Grieving now is will be easier than hurting for a lifetime. I wish I would have stepped away a long time ago. I am inching up on 50 and just now learning to care for myself. I always had a reason I couldn't leave, including my husband say he would let himself die. This was a huge one for me to let go. I am not angry, I just want to spend my remaining time doing what is good for me. There were so many tears shed over the years and continuous heartbreaks. Grieving the relationship that I am letting go now will get easier sooner than all the years I gave up.