Moving Forward and it Hurts like Losing Someone to Death

I have been with my husband 30 years, 23 of which we have been married. It has been a lifetime of memories good and bad. So many times I wanted to leave him, but I never found the strength. We have two children that are grown now. I have journaled on and off through the years and I read over them from time to time. All the times he destroyed my heart. All the times I ached to leave, but in the end it was my choice to stay. I said it was the kids or that I did not have a job. I had nowhere to go, but in all honesty, I never really put forth an effort to leave. I loved him unconditionally and I still love him deeply. I clung to the hope that one day he would actually act on the things I begged of him. I held onto the couple that once was. And can I say, in the beginning it was so wonderful. He was thoughtful and caring. He thought of me all the time. Little notes and roadside picked flowers. Long talks in which he was willing to show emotion. I truly believed I was with the person in which I would die with. I envisioned growing old, sitting on a swing, holding hands, and enjoying each other. I would never let this feeling go until now. My husband has always been my achilleas heel. I can battle just about anything, but he, he is what wounds me the most. I had an "incident" back in October of 2023. He was the straw that broke the camels back. A week in the psych unit, a therapist brought him in to evaluate my reason for the episode. When he left, she said he is either autistic or a psychopath. There was no sign of emotion and when I stepped out of the room for a moment he threw his glasses. I was told I either leave or accept things are not going to ever change. Even through all this I did not want to give up on us. Fast forward, the last year in therapy I just said I loved him too much. She asked me to explain my love for him and what it meant. She actually told me she has never heard a love so deep. Over the year, she has helped to understand this man that stands will never be the man I cling too from so long ago. That I have been grieving the man I fell in love with, the one my heart was tied to so. I made myself give him 1 last chance to salvage what was left of us. He is still a good man, but we have no emotional connection and it is time for me to move forward. There are a lot of complications in this. For now we must remain in the same house. As soon as I find something to use as a bed I am moving out of the room. I feel good for taking this step and I know it is what I need for me. I must let our relationship go. The thing is, I am grieving the loss of that love, of all that time together, and all the memories we made. I REALLY wanted to grow old with him and that time is not that far away. It just hurts me more to be with him. The list of things he has done or doesn't do is way too much to go into. I am so sad and I am fighting my depression every day (I am biploar). There is so much else going on and I am wanting my parents which grieves me more. I miss them so much cause they always helped me when things were amiss.