no dinner again...

My flatmates have guests over for dinner.
This has happened before.
I don't eat dinner then. I have had no dinner tonight.
When I got in from work she was taking up the kitchen and I felt I couldn't go in and ask to use the cooker for 10 minutes.
Now of course I can't go in as they are all in there.

I'll maybe get up in the night and have some chocolate or something.

Like before.

I COULD have done different, but I am too bound by my fears and anger to do so, even to go out and buy some chips and eat them in the park.
Too resentful and proud.

But if I'm trying to 'punish them' they know zilch about it and so it can't do anything...

I am empty and hungry and I am punishing myself. But I'm not sure quite why.

Can you help me figure this out?

Could it be because I am jealous, have no social life, etc, blaming myself for my self pity???

All my childhood family rows pretty much centred around dinner times.

And, like here, it is a kitchen dining room, so no 'escape' as it were.
Well. I'm totally escaped, in my room.

I have always had eating issues, not QUITE anorexic, but I am just under 7stone (43 kilos) and very scared of puting on any weight, I am 5 foot, (153cm)

sorrel

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I dont like eating in front of people either. We are here for you. PM me any time if you need support.

Nicole

thanks Nicole.....

To clarify, its not eating in front of them, its basically 1) I feel a freak and not worthy of normal company (I know this isn't true, but I am very insecure)embarressment, gulit, shame...(Its my flatmates parents, her mother is a psychotherapist)
2)There is no room!

I should have got something I could have had in my room...Like I planned with my GP to do if it happened again..I wasn't hungry earlier...am now....

Its also that empty ache for social company and contact that I am too depressed and immature still to handle properly.

sorrel

hey, this is interesting....I still feel really hungry, but, hey its not the end of the universe...I have aired my feelings and I have felt heard and I feel better...
In the past it has been hard for me to receive help....to really take it in and feel better...

But it worked!
It is starting to do so in therapy now too...

its not what you do its the away that you do it---the ATTITUDE, yeah?

sorrel

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

All my childhood family rows pretty much centred around dinner times.

(quote]

That line hit me hard. I think it says it all.

Generally, I prefer to eat alone, and I think it's because of those triggers from the past. My intimate partners have said that I seem to resent them enjoying food, and I admit that I have that feeling. I think I know where that resentment comes from.

We need to find a way to nourish ourselves in every sense, to find a space that we can feel comfortable in. My space is after my wife has gone to work and I'm alone in the house. I eat my muesli and honey, drink tea, listen to the radio - just me. It's a good time.

I hope that you can find some space to be in.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen

thanks Myzen....yes, that quiet comfortable space you describe is spot on...

I crave company, but its also like it 'carves me up' sometimes..
I both need to feel safe with others....and also to have my own space.

And I understand why you would feel resentful , I think...because you could never enjoy it back then because of the situation, which has like 'destroyed' any enjoyment for you now, and it brings up jeaulousy and pain and fear?

I really sense now how much anxiety is centred around food for me. Also there is a little baby inside me that wants to be fed...(I was fed through a tube in the incubator, until I pulled it out..)
I find it almost unbearable to eat around people I respect and who are in authority...I still feel like a child..

I spent some time in the kitchen working in a retreat centre, even so that did not 'cure' me entirely...

My parents are total food aholics...weekly shop in M and S...meals out in restaurants every time they go on hol in Belguim....(tho my mum takes care now due to high Bpre and cholestrerol, she's 69 too)
They 'hide' in food....as if it could make everything better...poeee!!!

sorrel

Sorrel,

It was good to share that; it's funny how we can get a sense of each other just through our messages. I often think it's easier than being face to face, yes I definitely feel that.

A thing that happens to me, is when I am confronted with a meal on a plate I feel responsible for finishing it. This is especially bad if I'm in a restaurant and even worse if it's a posh restaurant. My wife and daughter tell me that I don't have to finish meals if I don't want to but I just can't see it that way. Of course all this comes from the conditioning.

The retreat centre job sounds good. I did some welfare work myself, and it was the most comfortable I've been. I can still remember one of the guys looking at me one mealtime and saying "You are the slowest eater I've ever seen!" He didn't mean any offence and I didn't take any.

Let's hope that we can keep looking after ourselves, and taking it easy on ourselves.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It was good to share that; it's funny how we can get a sense of each other just through our messages. I often think it's easier than being face to face, yes I definitely feel that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
yes, I really sometimes feel that...

And, conditioning is so strong isn't it...I didn't realise until recently, and especially after this morning's therapy session, how much conditioning I have--negatively-around food and eating...

Last nights discussion on here really helped safely open this up for me, because it is scary stuff...frightening...

When I was a teenager I used to not eat a lot of my school packed lunch, and used to hide bits of it under my bed and in the front room under stuff....really strange behaviour...I wasn't fully conscious of what I was doing I don't think.
I was crying out for help, I sense, but of course my dad flipped his lid as it were when he found out...was very angry with me for wasting food.
And I became very frightened.

What I explored in therapy this morning was my deep pain of longing, emotional hunger for love, admiration, care.....

sorrel